I nod to the hidden car close to mine and I saw Mike disappear in the darkness. My pals will step back until Jared confronts this issue and I would have to fight my own guilt. I took his hand and helped him to stand up and we slowly walked to the car.

I reached the car without saying anything and slipped in, folding my legs carefully. I looked out the window and the silent calmness of the trees in the night rustled by the wind. A small sigh escaped me. God, I was screwed up.

I turned the key in the ignition and my Chevy truck made a loud sound before it started. My shaking hand fell on Jared’s knee and draw some calm circles around it.

I didn’t look his way but my palm covered his hand, the heaviness in my chest easing a little. Then I remembered the gun he pointed at me and shivered lightly.

I hit the brakes

 

- What the hell do I have to do to stop think about what I did, how I betrayed him! – He almost shouted. – I can’t continue like this Jared. Seriously…It’s too much. I never  loved or cared for anyone until  I met you. And God Damn…this is what I do. It was the same way that my pals cleared my fears. And I didn’t know how serious your fear is because you never talk about it! Take the car and go home. The gang has left already. I think I need a walk. – That was too much for me really. To see his dark gaze with the accusations there was just breaking me into pieces.

- I can’t drive, my legs hurt. – I said my eyes sad and tortured. – And excuse me, but you are not going to take a walk in the middle of the night with your mother out there. I’m sorry, I won’t look at you… - I turned my head back towards the window.

- Jay I know you are hurt…And I realize it’s my fault. But… - I swallowed heavy. – I have never felt like this about anyone before…And my heart is breaking when I see you like this… - In my gaze came a little shine of tears but I did my best they to keep them back. – I just… - I couldn’t continue.

- Give me a day, Jen. Just one day. I need that time to get myself together again, okay? – I ran a hand through his hair and the side of his face gently. I wanted to be there for him right away but the aching in my chest wouldn’t let me do that. I was still shaken, not in shock but not in a good condition either. I still saw the laughing faces in the dark from time to time.

- As you wish Jay… - I said with pain in my eyes pushing my face in his palm and swallowing my tears back.

- Okay… - my palm remained on his skin a few moments longer and then I took it back. – Let’s go home, what do you say?

- Let’s go… - I said and got the car going again on the road. But I couldn’t say even another word. The guilt, the sadness and the pain were strongly killing me inside.

Soon we stopped in front of the house. I took a deep breath and climbed out, staggering a bit when the chilly air hit the cramped muscles in my legs. I started walking towards the door.

I followed him with my head down between my shoulders. This was killing me and I didn’t know how much it would hurt if he stepped back even for one day. It was like the weight of the world was on my shoulders.

I opened the door, looking carefully around before going in. I thought I heard the rain but when I looked outside there wasn’t any. I tiredly scrubbed a hand across my face and started up the stairs towards the room we shared.

- Do you want me to use another room? – I asked trying to cover the pain in my voice.

- No… You can go to bed with me… - I stepped into the room and slipped my jacket off and then the holster. But I was going to keep the t-shirt, at least tonight.

I saw how he was undressing but keeping the t-shirt. And no matter how much I wanted to see him in all of his beauty I didn’t have the right to ask about that. So I didn’t say anything. I just undressed myself, keeping my boxers and lay in the bed with eyes looking into nowhere.

When I was in my t-shirt and boxers, I climbed in next to him, lying on my side. I shifted towards his heat until I was pressed against his side and wound an arm around his middle.

I closed my eyes and finally when no one could see me, one single tear fell down in the sheets. I hurt him a lot and despite this he hugged me now. My palm covered his hand and I went deep into my guilt. I had made a big mistake and I couldn’t turn back time.

I had managed to go to sleep eventually, at least a bit calmed by Jensen’s warm presence close to me. We would get back to normal, eventually.

I still couldn’t fall asleep. I was just listening to his breathing going slower and calmer. Finally Jared fell asleep. And I was left alone in the dark room with my heavy thoughts. It didn’t look like I was going to get much sleep.

A few times I jerked awake by the sound of the phantom rain on the windows, but there was none. Then I went to sleep again and it was all peaceful.

I heard him awaking but he was back to his nightmares too quickly to calm himself. And again it was my fault that he was having these nightmares. I squeezed the sheet and cursed myself.

Finally after several hours the nightmares went away and my body calmed completely.

I didn’t sleep at all, I was watching how the daylight kicked the darkness and listened to Jared’s breath. What I could do to erase the pain which my own hands had caused.

At some point in the early morning I stirred, lifting heavy eyelids and peered around the room sleepily. It didn’t seem Jensen had moved at all during the night, I doubted he had gotten any sleep.

The sound of Jared’s breath changed. I guessed he was already awake but I still didn’t know what to say or do. When I kissed him last night it was different like he was not sure that he wanted me to kiss him. That was such a mess. Why is it so painful to be in love?

I shifted my eyes to the window and I hugged him a little tighter, the tips of my fingers going lightly over his chest. I was feeling a little better, the panicky feeling in my stomach had all but vanished.

I closed my eyes when I felt his fingers on my chest. Was he really awake? Or maybe he was close to waking up and he still didn’t realize that the man lying next to him had actually hurt him very badly. It seems that with that shot I not only hurt him. I hurt myself too. And I didn’t even think about the pain of my pals bullets. I was used to that pain. The problem was that I had never felt so scared to lose someone. And only the idea that Jared could leave… made me feel empty.

- Jen? – I whispered my voice as light as the touch of my fingers.

- Good morning Jared. – I said with a little trembling voice.

I thought I was mostly okay now and I wrapped a hand around my lover’s shoulder turning him on his back. Then I kissed him, I wanted to make that trembling go away.

            I opened my mouth to invite his kiss but I was still afraid I would hurt him again. One single tear slipped away fro my closed eyes. I closed them to feel this kiss deep in my heart. I didn’t rush his mouth, I just enjoyed the gentle touch of his lips without even using my tongue.

I wiped away that tear, he had tried to help me. It wasn’t his fault I was just too messed up. Nobody could help me, not Jen, not God… The path to hell is paved with good intentions, as they say. My tongue slipped into his mouth making slow circles.

My hand slipped to his back and started following every single muscle through his t-shirt. I had lost his trust and he didn’t take it off last night and I didn’t want to rush him about this. The first time I had made it a success because I didn’t betray his trust, but now it was different. I moaned from feeling the touch of his tongue. The kiss was so gentle that it made my body feel like it was floating. For me at this moment, there was only one thing…Jared.

I shivered lightly at the touch of his hand and whimpered a little, sucking on his tongue passionately. God, I had forgiven him the moment I saw his tortured expression.

My fingers desperately pushed his neck closer to me. Just closer, and I took everything which that kiss could give me. I was trying to beg for forgiveness showing all of my feelings with that single kiss letting him suck my tongue, until my body was burning under his.

I pulled Jensen flush against me, chest to chest as our tongues battled in their love dance. My fingers tangled in his hair and I drank him down as if I was in the desert and he was my river.

I could lose myself in that kiss. Just for a second I stopped it. I had to say it.

- Forgive me Jay please forgive me…I didn’t want to hurt you, you are all that I have…You are my life.

- I forgive you – I touched his lips. – I forgive you. I think… I think it is okay now. – I was feeling better.

- Can I…Can I… - my voice was trembling I wasn’t sure that he would let me do it. – Can I touch your skin under the shirt? – I barely opened my eyes. Maybe for him those scars were an ugly view but for me they were the most beautiful thing which I had ever seen because they were his scars.

- Yes… - I nodded, burying my face in his neck and sucking on the skin there. I knew he wouldn’t reject me and I had regained enough of myself to be able to do this.

With shaking fingers I lifted up his shirt and removed it from his body. My palms slipped on his chest gently touching every single mark.

-         I love them the same way that I love you. They are the most beautiful thing which I have ever seen, just because they are part of you… - I could barely talk because of his lips on my neck. My body arched back and I whispered his name pushing him closer.

-         I love you, Jen… - I whispered hoarsely before sucking on his ear hungrily, my hips rubbing against his. My chest trembled with every touch of his fingers.

I couldn’t say anything because my world was crashing down and for me, the only thing that was left was his touch and his hands nothing more. I was moving in his hands like a snake, until my hands  touched every single centimeter of his body.

I moved us until I was on my back and he was on top of me and I wrapped my legs around his waist, creating some friction through the little clothes we still had on. Then my lips found his again.

I felt how my blood started to boil. Despite the long and sleepless night I felt refreshed just because he forgave me. The tips of my fingers slowly followed his long hip then back to top of his chest and making little circles on his stomach until my lips covered his.

I shivered audibly at his touch, my breath coming out a little quicker now. The muscles on my stomach shifted in time with his touch.

- Are you sure Jay… - I asked between the kisses.

- Yes... – I repeated again, sucking on his lower lip.

- Thank you for everything… - I moaned with an adorable note in my voice. My lips kissed his slowly and then I moved to his jaw and his neck just to suck that pulsing area of pleasure.

I tilted my head back with a hissed breath and closed my eyes, running my fingers through his hair as my body vibrated in tension. I couldn’t stay angry with him for long, as I had figured out. Maybe that was the point in loving someone.

I sucked his neck without leaving marks. I wanted to do it this way. I wanted to apologize with every single part of my body. My lips went down to his chest. First I kissed him the place where his heart was beating feeling every single bump. Than I followed the line to his nipple and bit it gently drawing circles around it with my tongue.

My back arched a little and I moaned a long and strangled sound. My hand clutched feebly at his shoulder and the fingers of the other idly traced the muscles on his back. I was feeling… better. His touch was erasing the bad memories and they no longer seemed so frightening.

I closed my eyes again his moan was so amazing after all that had happened yesterday. My muscles trembled when he touched the place that Chris’s bullet had hit but this was the sweetest pain ever. I moved down following the line of his stomach. But I didn’t go down to his cock. I found the place where I SHOT HIM and started to kiss it over and over again.

I hissed a little in the beginning when his lips found the tender place with the black bruise but then I was washed away by the pleasure again and I shifted on the bed impatiently. He was trying to kiss it all away.

- I won’t hurt you again… - I mumbled against the sensitive spot and my tongue gently touched it without hurting him until the tips of my fingers were following the edges of his scars.

I let his words sink into my mind, the truth in them that little by little I was beginning to believe in again. I writhed on the bed in my hunger for him shivering all the time but now not because of the cold rain.

I could feel his shivers they was amazing. My lips went back up to his and I took them in a deep kiss until my body was slowly dancing against his. I had never wanted to be this gentle in bed, not before I met Jared, and not before I saw him like a lost child. Now I wanted to give him all my love. I could feel how our erections touched each other under the material of our boxers and I moaned strongly feeling it go deep into his throat.

- I want you… - I whimpered between the kisses, my hips sliding over to his. My body had gone out of control, my veins were on fire as I drowned in his taste and touch. My skin prickled wherever it came in contact with his.

I quickly removed my boxers but for his…I did it slowly centimeter by centimeter when I uncovered his manhood I kissed his shaft gently before completely removing his boxers. Then I took the lube and made my fingers wet looking for his entrance. I started to massage it with slow circles without entering him.

I writhed under his knowing fingers, biting at my lower lip and my darkened eyes met his. In them shone the sparks of love, passion and even trust. It had come back, even if a bit slowly.

- I love you… - I whispered before my finger slid slowly in his body. And I kept watching his dark eyes full with feelings.

- Me too… - I uttered a choked sound of pleasure, feeling his licked finger enter me and I clutched his shoulders, drawing in a deep breath.

- Easy Jared… - I whispered gently biting his neck until my finger moved in out, in out again and again and without him even realizing it, I added another one.

I hugged him to me with my eyes still closed and I trembled under the ministrations of his fingers. God, it was amazing… On my face an expression of bliss was imprinted.

All the time when my fingers slid in him I was kissing his face, his lips, his neck…just everywhere where I could get. Every single touch of mine was pure love. And really I would die before I ever hurt him again.

Okay, he was a quick learner alright… My chest was rising more rapidly with each movement of his fingers inside of me and it was so goooood… And I believed him – he would never hurt me again.

I kept giving him my kisses and feeling the in out of his body and the sweet tightness of him. Everything was perfect. I felt how his muscles were inviting me easily now. Without lifting my head and still gently kissing his neck I asked him with a husky whisper.

- Are you ready Jay?

- Yesssssss – I hissed, levitating somewhere in the clouds of pleasure. His hands had robbed me of my ability to control my own body. I pressed my chest against his almost desperately.

- Good than… - I said and with my free hand I opened the lube again to prepare myself for him. I felt that I couldn’t get more slippery than this and slowly took out my fingers. I kissed him again before my shaft entered him just a little.

I bit Jen’s lower lip, moaning a little when I felt him enter me. So slow and careful my chest tightened from all the feeling he was pouring into me with his magical touch. I arched, trying to get him in deeper.

I smiled for first time after our little trip in the kitchen. I felt that he forgave me and this was the happiest moment in my life. Slowly I gave him what he wanted I entered deep inside him, all of me dying from pleasure in his tightness.

I screamed a little then, clutching him to me as if my life depended on it. The unbelievable pleasure erupted within me like a volcano and I was swept away by the ocean of love and passion that slid over me.

While I moved in and out of him my lips didn’t stop telling him words of love. Between the words I kissed his neck and shoulders until finally I took his moans deep inside my throat by sealing his lips with a passionate kiss.

I was out of control, sounds of pleasure escaping me almost constantly as he slid in and out of me. My tongue tangled with his passionately as I drank him down with a feverish hunger. The lower half of my body lifted a bit so I could take him in deeper.

I made a deep moan in his throat I couldn’t enter him more than this, he took all of me and still wanted more. My hand slipped between us and took his dignity and I started to move it up and down, up and down making a circle with my wrist around the shaft until I lost myself to the sweet devastation of his kiss.

I had my arms locked tightly behind his back as we rocked together in the same rhythm on the bed. My mind was swimming, so was my vision, bright colors that danced in and out of sight. I arched again with a heavy whimper and bit on his lower lip.

Our bodies levitated in a passion dance with every single move in and out, in and out I could feel how the sweat on my body falling on heavy drops on his chest. My hand kept working on his manhood over and over again making strong strokes. It was amazing we were like one body, one soul…

A fine trembling had begun in my muscles, the love he gave me turning me on as much as his body inside me. I was making low mewling sounds in the back of my throat as he continued the passionate assault that was driving me out of my skin.

At some point no matter his experience before I could swear that Jared is a pure example for innocence, just the way how he looked in the basement like a little lost and scared child, and then the pain and the silent accusation in his eyes. Just perfect…A man who deserved to be loved. And that’s what I was doing, giving him all the love which I had hidden in my heart for thirty years waiting for someone who deserved it. Just in and out, in and out like an ocean wave caresses the sand on the edge of the beach.

I met his gaze and I was sure in that moment that we were one and that my heart was shining out of my eyes. I let him see all there was to see, all of me, every time I was hurt, every time I felt lost. And every time he had made me forget everything with his touch and his love. Now there were no scars, no fears, just Jen.

- I love you… - I could barely talk when I met his gaze. It made my heart bump faster and faster in my chest. It was so real, he said everything with his eyes. My hand lifted up to touch every single line of his face. I gave him a shower of kisses all over his face, my other hand kept going the gentle work with his dignity. My moves inside of him became more passionate and filled with love.

- I love you too… - I whispered back hoarsely and bit my lip again while my body was carried more and more towards the edge with every stroke he finished inside of me. It was like he had hands all over me, touching and stroking and the feeling he was pouring out. I loved him with all my soul at that moment. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t be able to forgive.

I hit that hot spot in his body after that I sucked his neck on that place where I could feel every single beat of his heart, which was beating for me right here, right now. My hand and body start to follow Jared’s heart rhythm.

I howled with ecstasy as he hit me right where he was supposed to and the fire sped up in my veins stealing the breath from my lungs. My inner muscles clenched tightly around his pulsing shaft in response.

- Oh…Jay… - I moaned when I felt his muscles catch me. He wanted to kill me in the sweetest sin ever. I couldn’t stand it like that and my movements became faster in and out but still filled with love and passion until my hand made a mad dance around his cock.

- God… - my eyes rolled in the back of my head and my breath sped up. My body began to shake and a few moments later I reached my peak with another scream that filled the room as I emptied myself in my partner’s hand.

I looked him in the eyes and smiled with love. Then my hips started to make a little bit faster moves still caught by his strong muscles. I managed to hit that spot one more time before I came apart deep inside of Jared. My head lay tired on his shoulder. I hadn’t slept all night but it was worth it.

I shuddered and whimpered a little when that spot was hit for the last time, then blinked up at the ceiling and wrapped my arms tightly around my partner, lifting us both up with the rhythm of my heavy breathing. I pushed my nose in Jen’s hair with a small happy smile.

- Don’t let me go Jay… - I asked and hid my face on his neck. It was so nice and warm…

- I won’t. I won’t ever let go… - I whispered tightening my embrace. He was my light, after all…

- I love you so much… - I said lying in his hug, so warm and safe. He was my hope.

- Me too, Jen. Me too… - I kissed his temple gently, my hands making slow circles around his

Chapter 15 coming soon...