The moment I saw the gun, my pupils dilated swallowing most of the green in my eyes. My body jerked when the bullet came in contact with my thigh, the horrific pain shooting up like a forest fire. I think I met Jen’s eyes for a second, in mine shining the blades of hurt and betrayal before everything slipped away and I was back there again walking the corridor.

* - Here 10-4, central, I’m going in… - the rain was pattering against my uniform and the bullet-proof vest I was wearing.

- 10-4, central here, requested back up will arrive ASAP.

- Roger that... – I turned the radio off and climbed the stairs slowly, my hair was wet and matted to my skull. I was still a newbie and so wanted to prove myself. The old wood creaked beneath my boots but I didn’t pay attention. My gun jumped one, two, three times. Three bodies fell on the floor. I continued down the corridor towards the last room I hadn’t checked. My heart was pounding but in a good way. The adrenaline was even making me smile. I was going to bust him... I was careless, of course. The moment I was in front of the door, the floor creaked again. Then there were these fifteen deafening shots. The wood in front of me splintered to bits with huge holes in it. Then there was this cold creeping upon me. I looked down almost calmly and saw blood dripping from the seven holes in my chest. I put my fingers there and expected only water, but the liquid was thicker. It was blood. I looked up, still not realizing what had happened to me even as my knees hit the floor. The door opened and the piece of shit walked out as if he was in his garden. A spasm went through my lungs and I bent forward, more blood spraying from my mouth.

- You didn’t expect that, did you? – The shrill laugh echoed the walls. – They are my favorite special bullets. They are called cop killers. They go through any bullet-proof vest known to man… But you can see that. – Another laugh.

I was completely on the ground by then, I just concentrated on breathing in and out and the whole floor was covered in crimson. The pain was so intense my brain couldn’t comprehend it and was trying to shut down. But he was laughing at me. I raised my glazed over eyes and my trembling hand leveled the gun at him and pulled the trigger. Then everything went black. The last thought I had that I was going to die on the floor, like a dog, with a criminal as I said my last prayer.*

My body jerked seven times with the phantom bullets piercing my skin. I was panting, my eyes still focused on nothing as I relived my nightmare over and over again. My heart was hammering against my chest in painful waves that made my knees weak.

-         Jay come back to me! Here right now! – I shouted to him shaking his shoulders still with a gun in my hand. Then I shook my head at Chris. He came slowly and his hand lifted putting a gun barrel to my head. – What are you going to do now Jay? – I put the gun to his head. – Our lives depend only on your choice. If you make the wrong one we are both dead. – I said with a cold voice and my eyes were running over his face with pain that I was doing this to him. Because he was the purest love which could ever exist.

I could feel somebody’s hands shaking me. God, I was dying, why would anybody be touching me?!

- G-g-g-get away… - I stammered sharply, barely being able to talk and shoved blindly at the body in front of me. There was a loud thump as something heavy fell on the floor. I crawled backwards until I felt the wall at my back and just sat there with my knees drawn to my chest, my blind eyes cast to the floor and my breath wheezing in and out of my lungs. Strong tremors were going through my body as I felt the blood soaking my clothes and the floor around me. I couldn’t see there was no blood. Not long now probably… it would soon be over.

      - We have to stop. He can’t handle it. – I said.

      - You are both dead you know that right? – Mike’s cold voice came from the stairs.

      - This is the first try Mike! He needs time!

I let the gun to fall from my hand and went to Jared. I gently shook his shoulders removing some strands of hair from his eyes.

- Jay my love…come back to me…listen to my voice please. I didn’t want to hurt you but you have to get over this fear. – My voice was trembling I never thought that could be this bad.

Then I heard a gunshot. Steve’s gun was up and his rubber bullet hit me in my back. The pain was so fucking strong no matter how much I was used to it.

-         You crazy…bastard… - I moaned trying to control the circles running in front of my eyes. – He is in shock and wont do anything are you blind! – I shouted.

-          That is bad for you then. – Chris smiled and raised his gun and I closed my eyes, that was going to hurt.

I huddled in on myself even more, burying my face in my knees, it was a surprise that such a big man could bundle up in such a small trembling ball. The cold rain of that nightmarish night was pouring over me and the coldest wind I have ever felt was stealing the breath from my lungs.

I heard the gunshot and then I felt strong pain in my leg.

- I’m going to put this pistol in your ass! – I moaned.

- You want him in this condition…He froze…And he can only get out of this hole to   protect you. Sorry pal… - Mike said and I saw his gun also using me for a target.

- You are so…fucking…dead… - I couldn’t finish the sentence because the sound of the shot filled the basement.

A low keening sound came from my throat, the moaning of a trapped and wounded animal as I jumped visibly with every shot. I was soaked in cold sweat. I barely registered that the bullets weren’t hitting me but my muscles were jittering so madly I couldn’t be sure. I was supposed to do…something…

- Jay…come…back…or…you won’t touch my…ass…soon…because it will be…full…of…bullet…holes… - I moaned hearing how Steve loading his gun again. – You crazy morons! – I said. The truth was that this wasn’t the first time for me. My first time had been when they taught me how to ignore the pain.

Oh, the trembling was still there. I lifted my head a bit and I saw Jen… But the people around him, they were just one person… the one that had broken me… And the laughter, it filled the air like broken glass. They were shooting him. I could see the blood over his chest, so much blood.

-         N-n-n-no… - I whispered brokenly and got up, my knees shaking so badly I could barely keep upright. Then my gaze switched forward and I could see that laughing face. There were tears in my eyes but I didn’t feel them. I didn’t feel the first shot, I just staggered a bit, or the second. Not even when I broke one of the identical noses before my eyes. I didn’t even feel the blood in my hand as I smacked somebody across the face with the cold metal of the gun. I think I dislocated a knee of one of them somewhere. There were no more shots. Then my legs gave out and I fell to the floor again and everything went black. I was in peaceful darkness. And god help me, I didn’t want to wake up.

-         I told you he’s not ready! – I shouted and took Jared’s head on my knees giving him gentle little kisses trying to wake him up.

Steve nose was bleeding and Mike was holding his knee.

-         He is damn strong Jen…If only he could get over this fear we could destroy your mom and Ramirez before they could even blink…

-         Fuck them now Mike! Can’t you see what is really important for me? It’s Jared! And I just hurt him and betrayed his trust! He saved me just two hours ago…We shouldn’t rush it…

-         Huh…It seems that you really love him…

-         No dude I just gave him my ass…of course I love him!

-         Too bad… - Mike mumbled. – Now they got you both.

-         We won’t let them catch either one of you Jensen… - Chris said and put a hand on his friend’s shoulder.  – I’m going to call David.

-         Not David! – I raised my head.

-         You jealous of your boy?

-         No. I trust Jared, but I can’t trust that horny cock David…he is always jumping on every hot male…

My head lolled like it was made from rubber in Jen’s hands, my lips were as blue as ink and my body was still shivering strongly.

-         Help me take him into the bedroom. And don’t even think of calling David. – I looked angrily at Chris. Mike and Steve helped me move Jared and while they were destroying the kitchen I sat on the bed next to Jared.

I had a clear idea that he probably wouldn’t want to see me but I couldn’t leave him alone now. My kisses were all over his face, my hands were on his naked chest.

- Please Jay open your eyes. Please…forgive me… - I was whispering in his ear.

At that moment I gasped and opened my eyes sharply. I pushed him away and scrambled back on the bed not sure where I was. The next thing I did was grip the first t-shirt I saw and hastily put it on. Then I blinked at him and my eyes flashed in pain for a second before my face hardened. I swung my legs over the bed wincing with the pain from the bullet and stood up slipping on my holster and the gun in it. The other two bullets had landed in my chest. Everything was a blur but I knew what he had done.

-         Jay please listen me! – I took his hand and stopped him. – I had to do this…But you never told me how serious it was …We need you…I NEED YOU! Without you I’m no one…And the only one who I can trust to cover my back is you and no one else. This is the only way which I know will make you face your fear…It’s not like when I  kiss your scars and you stop feeling ugly…this fear is stronger…You should see yourself Jay…You were like a lost kid… - I pulled him into a hug. My heart was breaking. And if all depended on me things would have stopped after my bullet. But my pals were tough guys. – Please forgive me Jared…

-         You violated me, me and my mind… You may love me, but you didn’t have the right to do this. Not to save us, not for anything… - I whispered in his ear the same way I had said “I love you” before. – I would have killed them if I just hadn’t been so shaky. I would’ve pulled their heads from their bodies like melons. And I would’ve enjoyed it. You made me a monster. You don’t know how close you came to losing your friends, so let them cover your back. I need some time. – I put my hands on his shoulders and broke the circle of his arms going down the stairs with a dark expression that had never before been on my face. The guy whose nose I had broken almost bumped into me.

-         Hey, dude… - the look I gave him actually stopped his words and he just stepped out of my way.  I was still limping, a bit with both legs now but that didn’t stop me from going out the door in record time.

His words devastated me. I felt like I lost my heart.  I felt someone sit next to me and put a hand on my shoulder. It was Chris.

-         Mike went after him. He will watch his back.

-         It doesn’t matter...I hurt him…and I betrayed him. He can’t trust me anymore…I guess there was a reason for me to not fall in love all those years…It’s my destiny to be alone. – I said with a sad smile.

-         Dude… - Chris didn’t find words to continue.

I walked and I walked and I walked until my bruised legs wouldn’t hold me up anymore and I sat heavily down on the bench in a park I had found myself in. I put my face in my hands and had to work to hold back the tears. I managed but not easily. God, I felt so betrayed…

My phone rang. I answered and heard Mike’s voice.

-         Better come to the park dude…Your man doesn’t look very good… - he said.

I felt the biggest fear ever in my life, fear which I had never felt before. I ran out jumping in the Chevy Truck driving as fast as I could. Then I saw him on the bench so lonely and so hurt because of me. As I walked towards him, my legs were shaking. If he pushed me away now I wasn’t sure how I would handle it.

- I don’t know what to say to convince you how sorry I am about this Jared…I should have  known that you were not ready…But I was so blinded by my need to save us from those people…I guess you are never going to forgive me, maybe it’s better like this. With you far from me and far from my mother…But I want you to know that you are the only person which I have ever loved in my life… - I kissed his neck gently and then the fear took my throat I turned around and started walking to my truck with slow steps. I knew that if he didn’t say something similar before I left, I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I would lose the love of my life and I guess my mom would win her favorite toy.

- Don’t get in that truck… - my voice sounded hollow and broken but I couldn’t just let him go. I had not moved from my place but I had turned my head in his direction a bit. My eyes were red and my face was white but I had managed to keep myself in check.

I turned around slowly.

- I didn’t mean to hurt you Jay…

- I know... but you did. – I cleared my throat and looked at my hands again. They were trembling. I stuck them in my pockets. – The fact that you lost my trust doesn’t mean you lost me. I’m just angry at you right now…

- Our relationship is built on trust Jared…If I have lost your trust this mean that I have lost us…

- What you lost you can get back…

- How…I thought that I could remove your fear the same way I did with the scars…It seems that I was wrong and  I can’t turn back the time… - I felt my voice start to tremble.

- I think that at some point you were trying to stop them. A point for you… - I leaned back on the bench, exhaling slowly and stretched my legs with a grimace in front of me. – Things went a bit out of control as I remember trying to explain to you… Nevertheless, I had a feeling you would do something like that, so it is partly my fault…

Finally I got to the bench and put a hand on his shoulder.

-         It wasn’t your fault Jay. I’m just scared…My mom goes so far with this and that Ramirez guy…You have too much potential and five of us could smash them. But I can’t reach you…I can’t reach what is deep inside of you and you never talk about it...

-         If I don’t talk about it, I can pretend it isn’t there… - my voice was even quieter.

-         But it is… - I sat next to him. – Do you have any idea how you look when someone pulls out a gun? It wasn’t you…You even didn’t know where you were and you were more like a lost child. And if this happened in a serious moment Jay we would both be dead. I can easily take a bullet for you, just to know that you are alright…

-         I died six times in that operating room. That’s how many times my heart stopped, the second time for a minute and a half. Maybe I just came back wrong… - it was hurting me even more to talk about this because it meant admitting it was true. It had happened to me, not to somebody else.

-         When I was six years old kid my mom locked me in the biggest freezer at our mansion, just because she caught me with an ice cream sandwich. It was so cold minus ten degrees. I started to cry but the tears froze on my cheeks. The pain was unbelievable. I died that day too, but my mom’s loyal dogs saved me and no one could understand about this. Those people disappeared and I couldn’t find them when I got older. I have some idea of what you are fighting Jay…And I know how hard is to deal it. I won’t push you anymore when you are ready, just tell me and I will be next to you. A relationship is not only trust, love and happy moments it’s a lot more than this. You have to face the problems and the bad moments with the person next to you. And I’m here for you Jay…No matter that you don’t trust me right now. I am and I always will be here for you…

-         You have to promise me that you will never do something like that again, ever. – I said, trying to keep the waver out of my voice. I couldn’t bear it if he betrayed me like that one more time. The uneasiness hadn’t left me and I still felt shaken but it was a start…

-         I know that you think that I betrayed you but I didn’t. When you get over this fear you will understand what I actually tried to do. I love you too much to betray you…And believe me I won’t do this again even if I have to risk my own life.

-         Okay. – I said after meeting his eyes intently for a few seconds, then nodded. – Good.

-         Will you let me kiss you? – I asked with very low voice.

I turned my head towards him and my eyes slid over to the ground for a moment, thinking. Then I nodded again, a bit unsure.

- Jay? – I took his jaw with my fingers and turned his face to me. – If you don’t want me to kiss you, you are free to say it.

- You…can kiss me. – I said in the end. Kisses wouldn’t make things better but for a while it would seem like it was okay between us.

I closed my eyes and my face came closer to his. My lips were finally close to his…My tongue drew the thin line of his perfect lips, gently and barely like a spring rain.

My eyelids fluttered and I pressed my lips firmly against his, parting them to allow his tongue in. The wind wheezed around us and my heart clenched in bitterness.

-         I am never going to hurt you again Jay…never… - I said before my tongue gently invaded his mouth looking for his to start a slow passionate dance.

My tongue slid over Jen’s, tasting and remembering. I swallowed and knew that with time I would be able to believe the words my partner was saying.

I could feel how insecure he was even when I kissed him. My heart filled with sadness and guilt. How could I know that what had helped me so much could damage him so much.

- Do you want to go home? – I didn’t want to torture him with my touch again.

- Yes… - I nodded after clearing my throat and climbed to my feet with a muffled curse and a wince