Title: Why Do I Cry These Tears For Love When Love Is Unfamiliar? (Chapter 9)
Author: xkillerxangelx
Rating: R overall(just to be safe)
Pairing: Eventual Brendon/Bob Bryar, past Brendon/Ryan, Past Bob/Frank, (possible future Ryan/?guy/?guy)
POV: 3rd
Summary: Brendon is going through a lot, the loneliness of being a semi-closeted gay is the biggest problem but so is his self-destructive behavior. Bob has been through it all, he's seen it all. Will he be able to help though?

Brendon’s heart has learnt of love but what about Ryan? For Ryan to find love he has to remember the only love he had ever felt, but that love has forced his mind to block out the feelings, block out everything until all he is remains a lie, a lie he is barely aware of. How can he rewrite himself? How can he awaken feelings that even his subconscious couldn’t handle? Is the past worth revisiting, or will it only ruin him even further, until there is nothing of Ryan left at all?
Disclaimer: As true as the fact Bob is sitting on my couch crying cos Brendon dumped him for a porn star transvestite named Punch. Yeah, so true.
Author Notes: Okay, yay for me updating when I said I would lol I’m thinking of making Ryan’s past into an actual story, if I ever get time, what do you think of that?
Thanks to everyone who is still reading and commenting :)

Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8


Chapter 9

Ryan was scared. Frank had been waiting for him to talk but he hadn’t been able to, so now Frank was making it happen. He wasn’t comfortable talking about his past in front of Mikey, even if Frank thought he was dead to the world, he told Frank this.

“Oh my god, and the feeling of having your cock pushed right inside a really tight ass is just…wow. The feeling of having one in you is even better and it gets to the point where-”
“I’m not that fucking dead!” Mikey threw his book to the side and rushed out of the front while Frank just sat there giggling.
“Well there’s that problem sorted. You have to talk now, or just say you can’t and I’ll let it go.” Frank looked at Ryan expectantly.

Ryan sighed before looking around, subconsciously looking for a distraction but finding nothing. He sighed again before Frank placed a reassuring hand on his arm.
“Okay, I need to tell someone, I never have, not even Spencer.” Ryan took a deep breath and looked at the ceiling as he spoke, figuring it was easier that way.

“There was this guy who used to always bully me, calling me fag and stuff like that. I kind of ignored him because I knew I was straight, or at least I thought so. Eventually it got to the point where he kept shoving me and then punching me or anything really to cause me pain. I didn’t really understand why he did it, I knew for a fact that he had a gay cousin that he was in contact with. I felt sorry for him because he was so narrow minded, until I found out why he did it, then I was just angry.

There was this little bush area in a reserve park near where I lived and I can’t even remember why I went there that day since I hadn’t really been there before. Anyway, I ended up turning a corner and seeing him sitting against a low tree, just staring ahead with tears running down his face, looking completely heart broken. I wanted to laugh, to see him finally feeling as low as he made others feel should have given me satisfaction but the laughter died before it got anywhere close to my mouth. He just looked so sad and I was dying to know why but wasn’t sure whether I should let him know I was there or not.

I watched him for a while and saw he had written something in the dirt. After he left I went over to see what it was and was surprised to see it read ‘I’m gay and I have the right to love and be loved in return’ but he had crossed it out. I was angry then, he had been such a hypocrite but I suddenly wanted to know why he thought he should be loved and at the same time like he wasn’t allowed to.

The next time he shoved me into the wall to abuse and threaten me I stared him in the eye and said ‘I have the right to love and be loved in return, no matter the gender’. He was so shocked and ran out of there straight away. He left me alone after that but I still wanted to know more about him so I sought him out. It took a long time and a night where he was completely smashed to admit that he was indeed gay. After that he kind of shied away from me, as if I would make his life hell and he just wanted it over with.

I obviously realised my desire to know more about him was a more than friendly level. I just wanted to talk to him and be around him and try to help him and…I was so into him. Of course I made the first move, he was too shy to do anything because he knew I wasn’t gay, I was just an outlet to him, he had never actually believed what he had been saying to me. We dated secretly for about five months and I was so in love with him and then we slipped up and we were nearly caught and my mother pieced it together and said that if I was gay I would be disowned and…she said some other nasty things.

I don’t know how but she convinced me to end it with him, without even mentioning him. I’ve never forgotten how he looked when I did end it, I cried for five days straight, I was so depressed and suicidal. After that I refused to even look at another guy, not because I was afraid of my parents but because I never wanted to hurt someone like that again, to have a moment of hesitation that would end the only thing I ever really wanted. I fucked up so bad and this thing with Brendon just made me realise I never really stopped liking guys; I just made myself believe I did. It wasn’t homophobia that made me repress my sexuality; it was the look on that guys face when I broke his, and my, heart.”

Ryan was staring out the window by the end, completely absorbed in his memories. Frank was trying to pry his jaw off the floor. He hadn’t been expecting that. He had though it would be something to do with a drunken kiss or being forced to believe homosexuality was wrong but for breaking someone’s heart, and a guys at that, to make you force yourself to be straight, it somehow made more sense than all the other reasons. For those who are bullied you always have hesitation when your secrets are brought to light, you’re waiting for the blows but also looking for a way to avoid them. Frank had no idea how to help Ryan out of his problem. Ryan could admit what was going on but it was clear he wouldn’t change his mind anytime soon.