My imagination really disgusts me sometimes. I freaking love Twilight. Tonight it finally happened. After nearly four years of going against my better judgment, forgetting, forgiving, not caring, I stumbled upon it. What I had fought so hard for and against, for really no reason. Just to see. See if it was all real. If it really happened. See, once it ended, it was like it never happened. I forgot...

Good Lord. I've missed so much. Literature is food, but music is water. You cannot fully feel either until you have them together.

Ah. I'm home, in my room. Alone. Outside it's dark, rainy, and cold. Inside the heater is on, the room is dark save my bedside lamp. I'm at my desk, door closed, closet clean. Michael is at his house working on pictures, mom is working in the office, brother is at work, Jane is at school. Cats are sleeping. Rain is pouring. Alone time. Already studied. Already delegated group presentation topics...

One week 'til. I'm a mess. Some time in the past month I lost the ability to delineate my feelings, normal from extra-normal. I'm stressed, I'm exhausted, I'm drained, tired, and numb. I'm unrealistic, annoyed, frustrated, depressed, excited, anxious, tranced, confused, and extremely happy. I'm nostalgic and sad, independent and lusty, crashed and burned. Sick and tired, needy, clingy, lonely, prudish...

I have panic moments. Not when we're shopping for bleach and paper towels, not when we're spending time together, not when we're registering for gifts or attending family gatherings. I have panic moments alone at night. I'm sad I'll be leaving my family, the only home I've ever known or had, my kitties who are like my children, my routine, my home, my comfort, everything. Ever since we got engaged...

I'm so tired of Michael on his steroids. He's being passively mean, there's a constant edge to his voice now, and his temper has just shortened to a nil. I know he doesn't mean to be like this and it's not his fault. I just can't hardly stand it. I am afraid to bring up any topic of conversation because I know he'll just turn it around and whine or get ticked off (and he does), so we'll just spend...

Well, not a lot to do right now. I've hit a dead end with all my packing, and there's not much more I can do until we start actually taking stuff to the apartment, which we can't start until they call us and say it's ready, but we can't head down there this week at all because Michael just had all four of his wisdom teeth out yesterday and shouldn't be driving for several days. I've been living in...

Music is the most seductive thing I've encountered. It takes me to places I've forgotten about completely, and don't reckon I would have remembered without it. I used to live in my mind, daydreaming constantly and stealing away to my heaven to live most of my day. I was escaping nothing, I just wanted to be there. I've always known what my heaven would be like. There are several, each with it's own...

Smells are funny. Every time I smell tea tree oil I am forcibly reminded of a phase of my life I've made myself detest. Thing is, the smell makes me happy. I remember summertime, and sunsets. Walking through the woods; new, happy people; and the strongest sense of freedom I have ever experienced. This is the same period that contained so many mistakes, heartaches, embarrassments, and everything else...

Reading the blogs of girls with eating disorders is mortifyingly fascinating. Maybe because I've been inclined towards it for several years now. I've always been quite sensitive to weight and nutrition issues, and this has only increased as I hit the danger years for the illness. Even now, I feel guilty for not doing any sit-ups or any kind of exercise today, or this week for that matter. I really...