Jack was always the first one to admit when they had failed. He was not fond of sentimentalisms or desperate attempts of saving things that were already lost. It was nothing but waste of a time that Torchwood couldn't permit itself the luxury of wasting. In Jack's hundreds of years of field experience, either as a freelancer or as a Torchwood member, he had learned, at a high coast and excessively pain, that time was something they did not have. One minute on alien countdown could mean the entire planet vanishing. You just never knew what would you be pulling up against. Whenever someone died, he just faced it. Moved on. At times, he would find profitable to have just one or two deaths in the exchange of thousands of others. He wasn't, after all, the leader of Torchwood Three by chance. And as so, he had to make decisions that an ordinary human would never find itself capable of doing. It was the difference between Jack Harkness and the others. He was used to the affronted faces and protesting. The swearing, even, and the disappointment. Had far more than once been considered a cold heartless bastard. He wasn't, really. Rather he thought himself as strong. In fact, it took him all his strength to be at Torchwood all these years. And the scars that would melt away on his skin, deeply pierced his soul. Never healing.
Very few things would indeed make him resist and keep going.
Like finding the Doctor.
Like Ianto.
He just wasn’t ready to let him go.
Captain Jack Harkness used to have a goal in his life. His never-ending days were all meant to find the Doctor. The hard days, the painful deaths, the lonely nights. Those were all worth, because he had and would find the Doctor.
But when it finally happened, the captain came to realize there was much more about it he didn’t notice. His work at Torchwood was a way of surviving decently. He needed the money, and, more importantly, he needed something to occupy his days until the Doctor was back. It wasn’t until he decided to leave it behind that he understood how much his prototype of what a decent life was had carved on him.
His team, his agency, his work. He missed everything. He loved the Doctor, on a way he didn’t love anyone else. But Torchwood had become part of Captain Jack Harkness, and Captain Jack Harkness had become inseparable part of Torchwood. He was Torchwood.
And then there was him. That boy that got into his nerves trying to force his way into the hub. Jack picked his team very carefully, each and every one of them - the ones that were there now, the ones that had been before - were his choice. Recruited after a sheer deep analysis.
Only one of them made his own way into it
Like Torchwood, he didn’t realize how much he actually meant to him until he vanished in thin air, right before his eyes.
He was stupid, he was naive, he was supposed to know better. Never to underestimate what an alien or it’s artifact could do. Hadn’t him seen enough? Hadn't him been at the oh-so-great Torchwood London? Stupid. Just stupid. He deserved it.
Jack didn’t.
Part of his responsibility was to watch over the others. As the leader, he was supposed to keep them as safe as he could. Defend them with his life, specially since he had so many.
He failed. Blamed himself.
Gosh, what he wouldn’t give just to know where he was...
Ianto, at first, was just the receptionist. They needed one. One that looked good on a suit and could appear more reliable and less nuts them the rest of the team. Then he made the coffee, the godamm best coffee he ever tasted. He cleaned up after them, erased their tracks. He told good jokes, and always had some smart statement to make. He was the first to get there, and the last one to leave. His local knowledge toped all, and he was also very good at poker. That was the Ianto he knew before.
Owen used to say he didn’t have a life, and sometimes Jack felt guilty about it, as if Torchwood was draining the best years out of him. A young man such as Ianto should go out and have some fun, meet people, get drunk and have sex.
Well, he had sex.
It was impossible, specially for Jack Harkness, not to notice Ianto. He proved to be a lot more than just a mere receptionist. He became part of the team. And part of Jack’s routine.
Having relations with his employees was something he used to avoid. Those things never ended well. He was not one of falling in love, and regular people with time of death... Well, they just expected a lot more than he could give. Ianto didn’t.
The Welshman tried to resist as much as he could. But it was undeniable. Since day one, that strong irresistible attraction was just there. Although also trying to fight it, Jack didn’t have a hard time giving up the struggle of his personal rules. It wouldn't be the first time. After all, it was sex. And Jack was sheer utter sex, of the finest quality. It was his duty to share it with the World. Otherwise, what's the point of being blessed with the talent and the looks and with an immortal and never-ending hunger?
He couldn’t really say if it was the suit, the eyes or that sense of humor that made him go against his own breakable rules. Every time he did it, and everything went terribly bad, with people getting heartbroken and retconned, he would swear to himself it was the last time. Bullshit.
So when it finally happened, he felt guilty. Again. However oddly enough, not as guilty as Ianto. Jack was the one to leave, the one to not answer the calls, to pretend that nothing happened the next morning. Wasn’t used to be feel straddled. Although, at the action time, the straddler was really him.
Ianto was even colder than he was, could pretend even better not to notice the other. Not even a mischievous look, or a provocatively arched eyebrow. His good morning and good night smiles he would stretch through his perfectly outlined lips were unbelievably chaste. Even if Jack could hear the moans and snorts that would slip through them during late hours of the night just by focusing his eyes at it.
And even after Jack would give him his finest demonstrations, Ianto would, with a hitched breath and blush on his cheeks, seem numb and guilty. He would dress up and leave. Not a goodbye kiss. Even Jack could be more considering than that.
Each and every time Jack would try his best to make Ianto come after him. He never did.
Aside from feeling shamefully used, it made him want the tea boy even more. Ianto could play hard as much as he wanted, but when Captain Harkness spun him around and pressed his perfectly shaped body against the boy, he would quiver. Ianto could not resist, though obviously struggling.
That got the man to make his theories. Thought perhaps he was ashamed of the fact he was with another man. Maybe he was religious. Or maybe he had someone else. Jack didn't know much about his life outside Torchwood, aside the profile he got from Torchwood One. And apparently there was not enough time left for him to actually build a life outside. It wasn't until the disaster took place right under his nose he realized how much for granted he had taken Ianto. It had been all about sex, and how good sex was, and why wouldn't he come after more on a daily basis. Never about his life, or his feelings, or his thoughts, or even why his eyes would hide a sheer sadness at times.
He had someone else. A cyberman hidden on the underground of his Hub.
It changed everything. He nearly killed Ianto. Could’ve done it, if the others didn’t stop him. That relapsing irresponsible kid had put their lives in danger for a dead girlfriend. Had used Torchwood to try to save her, except it was impossible and he should've known.
Jack should’ve retconned him, and sent him out. For some reason his softened heart couldn’t. He allowed the criminal to stay. And that was when the whole relationship fragilely built between the two men changed.
From a job Ianto took to save his girlfriend, Torchwood became his life. From an affair he tried to deny, Jack became his meaning. Ianto never mouthed it, Jack just knew. Ianto had been fighting his own need for Jack and the crescent admiration for the man, while internally dealing with the fact that he was there to help Lisa. Lisa, with whom he was going to marry and have kids.
When there was no more Lisa, and Ianto could not face his boss the same way again, Jack felt compelled to use the moment to break it up for good, put and end before it got worse. And he did, for some time.
It took them a while to get back together after all. But, eventually, it happened. After an honest conversation, some major arguing, and the comprehension that resisting each other was just impossible. Jack didn't mind much about letting the others know, sometimes accidentally be witnesses to their hot passionate affair. Ianto, on the contrary, would rather maintain appearances and keep a professional distance in order to be loyal to ethics and moralities. Boring.
When it came to the moment of deciding either to go with the Doctor or to stay in Cardiff, the Captain thought of everything he built in there, of his responsibilities towards his team, towards his institution, and... Ianto. He missed Ianto. He actually missed Ianto. While he was being held captive by the Master, the one thought of, was Ianto. What ever happened to him. It made everything worse, really, when he concluded that by that time, the entire Torchwood team was already dead. His anger just grew, and it gave him strength to resist and fight. And avenge them. Avenge Him.
While chained to the wall, dirty, sweaty and still looking good, Jack perceived it would be nice to ask him out on a date. Properly. Get to know him better. There was so much about Ianto that remained unknown, so much he hid behind the cool blue eyes and the uncomplaining attitude.
So he got back.
“I came back for you. For all of you.” he said then. It was not a lie in all, he had responsibilities towards the others as well. However, his eyes were at Ianto the moment he answered, and that, perhaps, illustrated more than he would’ve wanted.
He loved his laughter. He smiled a lot, politely or sympathetically, most of the time. The true spontaneity moments when he would let go and just laugh, were rare. Before. One of the things pleased Jack the most after his return was the way Ianto was laughing so much more now. Leaving the kids on their own for a few months actually did them good. They grew closer, stronger and were more friends then ever. Ianto was definitely part of them now. He laughed more.
God, he loved his laughter.
It just couldn’t be that Captain Jack Harkness was actually...
He would feel as desperate as he felt about any of his teammates. He would feel the same fear, the same need to yell , storm and brake everything around in his inability to save them. Wouldn’t he?
Inside his office, elbows resting on his the desk, hands together, fingers laced, and a blank look across his face, he asked himself a thousand questions without really finding himself capable of concentrating in any of them. His idea was to focus and come up with anything helpful. But as he slumped on his chair, all that came to his mind were memories of Ianto. Jack had a morbid feeling, his stomach twitching, for it seemed like Ianto was dead already, and he was mourning over his lover and dedicated employee.
He just wasn’t ready to let him go.
“Jack?” Tosh’s sweet voice snapped him out of his thoughts, and he looked up at her. When did she get in?
Tosh was just as devastated as the others, but when their eyes locked, Jack saw something different towards him, something perhaps none of the others would feel: compassion. The Captain was taking it as professionally as he could, to all appearances. Tosh, however, knew better.
“I was thinking... Maybe I can come up with a device that could track him down. Was thinking of a way of opening the box up without activating the transport mechanism. As far my alien technology knowledge goes, there should be a key to deactivate it. I don’t really know how far I can go with this, but... It’s all I’ve got.”
Jack continued to stare at her, in silence, considering what she had just said.
“Jack?” He heard her.
“He could be anywhere." the man began speaking, as he found his mind flooded by thoughts diverging from the main point of the conversation disposed by Toshiko. "At any time line. The race that built that thing... They stole technology from the Time Agency."
Jack had red some very limited information about the creators of the device on the old dusty Torchwood catalogues. Most of the working material and research they needed could be easily found at the computers. The catalogues were archaic and sometimes forgotten. There wasn't really much as how to find them, where they'd come from or more detailed information on physical description. He felt, though, like sharing it with Tosh. Even if she was incredibly capable, a genius, really, what he had found on those dusty lines over the catalogues was a constant bucket of cold water on his head.
"They were rascals", he continued, "Criminals, wandering around the universe to steal and murder. Constantly being caught, going to jail, getting execution penalties. So they started to come with things that could help them escape. And that... thing... Is one of them. Perhaps the most powerful one. Whoever touches it gets automatically transported somewhere random in the Universe, in different time lines, so there’s no way to follow their track. It’s brilliant, really.” He said, on a sad tone, concluding the concept was way too perfect to be undone.
Tosh was silent. With everything Jack said, didn’t seem to be any options left other than wait and hope. But she was not a quitter.
“Still. We know he’s not dead, so we have to try.” the woman said, after a few seconds of ponderation..
“We don’t know if he’s not dead. You have no idea the kinds of things out there...” His eyes darkened, as he remembered the horrible things he had seen around the universe. In fact, the probabilities that Ianto had been sent somewhere safe were as insignificant as the chances of them being able to track where it was.
“Jack.” Tosh said, determined, approaching his desk. “We can’t give up. Not without trying. It sounds like your trying to convince yourself he’s gone.”
He was.
“I’m sorry.”
Jack was always the strong one, to remain steady when all the others lost their balance. But his strong nature got him to face everything with more pessimism and darker eyes. That was killing him, Tosh could see. He was fighting his own urge to just admit Ianto was gone. If he did, he would crumble down. If he persisted, he would be going against his own nature and maybe keeping a spark of hope that never really existed. Either way, Jack would ache.
Tosh lowered her tone, her voice sweet and comprehensive. “I understand. Really. But I’m willing to give it a shot. I don’t know yet, but there is so much we didn't know, so much we solved by trying. I’ll come up with something.”
Jack took a deep breath. That’s exactly what he didn’t want. Someone to push hope into him.
“Ok.” He agreed, succumbing to the persistence he usually denied.
He took his wristwatch off, and handed it to her. “Here, take it. Perhaps it can help.”
“But, Jack... You never... I mean... That’s...” Man and watch mixed together. She never really knew what it was for sure, it seemed to do all sorts of things. Whenever she was getting to a conclusion about it’s real main function, Jack would use it for something entirely different. All she did know was it definitely was not meant for keeping track of time.
“It doesn’t matter. Just do whatever you can. Just... find a way.” His voice was down and low, and his eyes were more sad than she had ever seen. When she looked into his deep beautiful blue eyes, she knew he wasn’t just giving her his watch. It was a plea.
“I promise.” Before taking the watch, she held his held for a moment, strong. And that was all she could do. Promise to put all her effort into it. Time traveling was something she had no idea what it was about. But tracking things down was her one areas of expertise. That she could do. And she would. Ianto was a dear friend to her, someone who she spent hours with in the hub. They seemed to be the ones who liked it the most, a closer connection to the wires, the metal and the acid air revolving it. Ever since Jack was gone, they grew much closer. When Gwen told her what had happened, Tosh lost her ground.
Jack needed some space to his own. So Toshiko just turned around and left the room, to leave her boss with his thoughts. Ianto and him had something going on that neither one of the Torchwood members would dare to give a name. But you just had to look at them, whenever they were together, to know how much they liked each other’s company, much for Gwen‘s desperation.
Ianto was the only one who seemed to be sure, all the time, that Jack would come back. Like he trusted him, even though he knew so little about their boss' past, about who he was, or even where he’d gone. He was right, after all. That relationship was beyond the two men comprehension, even. And Tosh suspected her boss had never realized precisely how dear his employee actually was to him.
Ianto Jones had to get back.
