I thought I'd share this delightful message with you :

"Ok Mewissa, I wead your livejournal and I think it's time I give you that talk about the birds and the bees. Not actually that, but that your journal is as much a barrel of laughs as "Prozac Nation: Young and Depressed in America", i.e. tis rather depressing, and that worries me because you are my lovechild and
ought to be happy purely because of that fact.

Anyway, I tend to make a joke of things but this is actually going to be a serious message, of sorts. Earlier on towards the end of our conversation I was potentially rather a bitch but that was because you, my dear sweet love, were rather hostile towards me to say the least, so I was all like "Hawwwww WHIT!" and whipped my knife out to give you a good slashing, as I tend to do, but can I just reiterate that I was not for a second criticising your choice of career, I was speaking in a light hearted way but was saying that's really bad if I hardly see you, because I love you so much, so that was to be taken as a compliment, not an insult, so I was confused and taken aback when you seemed to think I was insulting you when I wasn't saying anything wrong. But I understand you were angry because of your dad and how he's reacting to the whole thing, which is such a shame, but I obviously don't agree with your dad or his behaviour here. I think if he loves you he should support you, financially and emotionally, whatever you want to do, unless you want to take heroin and move in with an old man, in which case it would only be right to stop you! SO PUT DOWN THAT NEEDLE YA JUNKIE! ;)

But please don't think I don't respect you or what you want to do with your life, because I just want the people I care about to be happy, and that's all that matters, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that job, I mean there are so many worse jobs a person could have and you obviously know and care a lot about horses so it seems the perfect job for you anyway, and I think it's good you said you don't care about the wages, because money is so much less important than happiness and personal fulfilment etc. And it was purely with the idea of happiness in mind that I was like NOOOOO at the idea of you never seeing me or never being out with us, because I think people need people to be happy and funfun party times, and I would personally not like to be a surgeon for example because they have to work really bad hours, or so I see in Grey's Anatomy<3, and I'm the kind of person who needs time for sex (and not in the broom closet at my work with my colleagues, as the people in G.A tend to do!) and parties and writing extremely long messages to my friends on myspace, as this message promises to be! But at the same time I do imagine myself in the future as some extremely career driven powerful woman, so I can relate to that in that sense, and I think if being with horses is what makes you happy, and if working hard and being a big workaholic makes you feel all happy inside yourself (as Garrie would say!) then that is great, and you should do exactly that, but please make some time for me, even if it is just a quickie in the broom closet! ;P Can I say, pleeeeeease come to Phil's because it was a great time last time with you there and you need to be there for me to take more pictures of, haha, and you can stay with me again! I miss youuuu! :( It seems ages since I've seen you.

I have so much to say it's hard to figure out what order to put in. I will quote one of your entries so it's easier to understand what I'm responding to, then I'll give my response. -
"It's like a horrible big massive black hole that just fucking sucks everything into it and leaves me standing, as usual, all by myself. And i can't quite work out whether it's me, it's me, it's me, or it's everyone fucking else. is it me? could it possibly be me? i've come to realise over my tiny little existence that yes, i have problems, yes, i have some sort of fucking obsessive compulsive disorder, fucking OCD, or something else that makes me so fucking fucked up it's too unbelieveable to even imagine what goes on in my brain, and i always said that i don't need or trust people, but at the end of the day, it's fucking me, because i'm the only one that sees the problem. i'm the only one that makes a mountain out a mole hole. i'm the only fucking one that has this big massive black hole of a fucking big massive black hole problem in my stupid brain. and i can't seem to shake it, i can't get rid of it, i don't know how to get rid of it, how do i get rid of it?
i need to talk to people, my problems don't feel a little less painful unless i tell someone, and i've come to figure that typing it all down on this stupid website, that no-one fucking reads or even fucking cares about, helps just a tiny bit, makes it all just a tiny bit less bearable than before.
i've also come to realise that saying fuck continuosly makes it all seem a bit better, saying fuck fuck fuck is like a cure, a fucking medicine, to this big massive black fucking hole wherever it is, whether it be in my brain or my heart, it feels like it's in my chest and i can't. i just can't. what if the hole goes away, will i be ME again?
i wonder if there's anyone out there who is as fucked up as me, who can read this and nod and completely fucking agree with me, if you're that person, male

or female, then please just tell me?



and i've also just realised; there's a fucking tear in my eye. it's a sign of fucking weakness and i fucking loathe this tear."

Since you said if there is anyone male or female who can read it and nod and completely agree and who is as fucked up, I thought that was a good sign I should respond because I fit the bill perfectly! (the male or female part has still to be determined!) Now, I can say in the past 2 months since I've been single the life has been breathed back in to me and I feel infinitely better and everything is so amazing again in comparison, but as you know, for a year and 4 months I was in a pretty god awful relationship, which may seem a minor thing but obviously I think you at least partially understand the degree to which Julie made life difficult for me, but I think nobody truly understands, because the very idea that people were angry with me to the point where some people were pretty shitty to me as I told you about at the time when they dingyed me after I said I'd come out etc, and all of them moving me down on their top friends, which garrie has admitted he did purely to "send me a message" and I think he believes I should thank him for that, and fair enough maybe it's true all of that spurred me on to break up with Julie, but only because I was pushed to make a decision by the fact I felt so backed into a corner that I spent many a night laying for hours on my bed staring at the ceiling thinking how it would be easier just to kill myself because there was no way in hell out of the situation I had let myself fall in to, with a girlfriend who made my life hell and with the most wonderful people I had met in my life on their way out the door without a backwards glance to me. That's how I felt anyway.
So I was like SHIT I'm totally truly alone, and I thought about how at welly before I met christine, erin d, claire etc, and you were in killie so I hardly saw you that much and erin t was always with adam so I was alone the majority of the time and as I've told people I used to cut myself at that shitty time, but then my life got transformed by meeting more people and how we all started going out all the time and I felt like I finally found people I belonged with, but this year I felt like I was losing those people, which was the tip of the iceberg on top of my problems with Julie specifically, so I thought to myself I would give anything even to feel the way I did back at welly then because it wasn't half as bad as knowing what you're missing out on.

But really the point I'm trying to make is you asked is anyone out there as fucked up as you or who knows the feelings you described- the phrase "big massive black hole" that you use reminds me of quotes from "The Bell Jar" by Sylvia Plath such as "I felt like a hole in the ground" and "I felt myself melting into the shadows like the negative of a person I had never seen before in my life", and when I read those quotes at the time I felt so amazed at how well it described exactly how I was feeling. I felt like a lifeless reflection of my old self. I felt like every part of me that I ever admired or had any respect for had disintegrated, and that my life had disintegrated along with it. I used to spend so much time inside my head shouting at myself for not doing what I knew was right, for not breaking up with Julie or for ignoring her telling me what to do, and I would say to myself "You're such an idiot. You're so pathetic. What are you doing with your life?" but I would ignore myself every time and I would try to drown out those thoughts because even thinking those things made me feel worse about myself, because I felt like I was not only the opposite of how I wanted to be, but it was so abundantly clear that I was the opposite of how everyone else wanted to be, and I continually let people down, time after time, but if I had done any different I would have been made to feel 10 times worse by Julie telling me how awful I was for not doing what she said, because she was so depressed, on anti-depressants, on the verge of suicide, so if I loved her I would do whatever she wanted to make her not depressed. But all that made me the depressed one, and I had to get some stupid bakini with a skirt attached to wear to Aquatica water park in florida because I was too embarrassed to walk about with the shitting scars on both my thighs that are truly horrendous, to me anyway, and that's just an example of how insane I was during that time because I cut myself so badly, and I even cut my arms a couple of times in the heat of the moment, which I had never done before, because I usually did it with a more cold calculation or something, and I used to lie in bed thinking things like "I am dead." because that's what I felt like. I used to cry at least once every single day, and that is not an exaggeration. I Used to cry so much and so hard I felt like I was going to literally be swallowed up by something probably like a "big massive black hole", and I sometimes wished that I would be. Julie would go on and on at me every day in a rage until I had no choice but to cry and then apologise for nothing and beg her forgiveness to get her to be happy with me again and then she'd cheer me up and make it as though she was the only one in the world to cheer me up or make me happy, so often said there is nobody who cares about me like she does, she always said my friends don't even like me and stuff. It was a 16 month mind fuck and I am thankful I'm still alive tbh!

Now, I invite you to tell me all the reasons you can think of behind your bad feelings atm and I will do what I can to help or just listen or whatever you want. I am here for you. And I just wanted to tell you my story so you know that I know how it feels to feel awful, and even reading a book such as "Prozac Nation" or "The Bell Jar" are great examples of other people who have experienced exactly the same feelings, which are generally described as depression, and I agree it is so good to have someone to talk to about these things, and if it wouldn't depress you you should read Prozac nation, because it is depressing but it also shows there are other people who feel that, and believe me you can't be as crazy as Elizabeth bloody Wurtzel who wrote it, because she is actually quite a fanny, but you have to feel bad for her at the same time!! But can I say, you know, if you really have all these feelings that you don't
understand and it's really getting you down you could actually speak to someone, like professionally, which may seem a shocking suggestion, but I considered it many times over the past year, and it's nothing to be ashamed about if there is actually, for example, a chemical imbalance and/or outside problems that are getting you down, it is so helpful to have someone to talk to and get it off your chest, which could just be a friend, but obv someone with a degree in the thing knows the best advice to give and whether it is an actual medical thing! Don't be shocked by this suggestion, I'm just saying you should do anything in the name of your health and happiness to make sure you are feeling as good as you should and possibly can be! And I love you.

And that's the other thing that needs to be said, that you need to realise how much we all actually love you, because I know everyone is always so happy when they hear you are coming to anything and I wish I could see you ALL THE TIME and you know Gaynor and Erin t were discussing the fact that they think it's really cool how much you love horses and how you're going to work with them because most people don't have so much of an interest in animals, and it's a nice thing. And everyone is really excited about your party, and you know if everyone read your livejournal they would be like WTF because I know that everyone would be saddened to think of you unhappy, because we all love you and everyone sees you as such a good laugh, and I would hate to think you were feeling bad inside. Sad is bad! K? Really, I know there isn't anything to say to make everything better, but I want you to know I am here to talk to you and I want to give you the advice that the darkest sky comes before the dawn, and as impossible as it may seem, the time will come when you feel so much happier so just hold on till then and try your best to make it happen as soon as possible! I know there isn't much good advice that can be given here, but trust me on that one.

One reason I'm worried about not seeing you is just that I never ever want to lose you as a friend cause we've remained friends for so long in different towns and different schools, so I would hatehatehate for that to end!

And by the way, crying isn't a weakness, it's a biological NECESSITY, and it is only human to feel like crying from time to time! Or at sad movies!

ok, well I am going to leave this here and hope what I've said is ok.

xxx

p.s. About what I'm saying about my relationship with Julie, the relationship was awful and in Julie's emotional state and desperation she wasn't in the right place or time to have a relationship and it made her so paranoid of losing it and me because she thought I was the only thing in her life, so I just want to say I'm not saying she's a bad person, because that's the last thing I think, and I will always care about her and want her to be happy, I just had to get away from the relationship with her because it was sacrificing my own happiness."


I know it's very long but it made me happy to hear it. Although i probably don't seem it, but i'm one of these horribly insecure people that believe that no-one notices me, that no-one really cares so getting a message like this really is a nice surprise. It's from one of my friends Caitlin and i'm not quite sure what else to say but thank you.
At least someone understands.
I know some of the stuff in the message is quite personal, but i truly believe that she won't mind that i put it up here. and if she does in any way i can obviously delete that stuff out. 

On another note, i had a dream about Spike last night. quite strange, but delightful at the same time.
heck, i miss owen already.