In the Invader Zim episode "The Sad, Sad Tale Of Chickenfoot", junior paranormal investigator Dib sets out to debunk the urban legend of Chickenfoot, a half-man, half-chicken monster. Once he finds Chickenfoot, Dib realizes that it's really just an employee from the local Chicky Licky who got stuck in his mascot costume. As humans are almost all simpletons in the Zim Earth, Dib seems to be about the only person who sees the giant zipper in Chickenfoot's back. As he chases him down, Dib is heard to shout "You're not a freak! You're just stupid!"

With South Carolina governor Mark Sanford's recent bizarre, hypnotic histrionics over his intercontinental affair with una chica Argentina, it's clear that the Republican Party has become the official Chickenfoot of the United States. Anyone with half-a-brain can recognize all of their moral grandstanding as little more than guilt and shame for their leaders' failings and faults. Overcompensation, thy name is GOP. They've appointed themselves guardians of the sacred, unchanging fortress of heterosexual solitude called marriage, but it's become clear that they are "defending" an institution they seem to understand little about from a "threat" they understand even less.

After all, gays aren't destroying marriage. Straights are doing it all by themselves. For all their talk of how holy and inviolate marriage is, conservatives seem awfully mum about the proliferation of drive-through wedding chapels, divorce, adultery, and the true sentiment behind "til death do you part." It's not entirely their fault, since marriage has become more of a sub-section of unchecked capitalism in this country and less of a solemn union of two hearts, but they certainly aren't helping their cause. To quote Cate Blanchett in Elizabeth: "I hardly think you should lecture me on the subject of marriage, your grace, since you have been twice divorced and are now on your third wife."

Let's take a look at the marriages of prominent Republicans, almost all of whom disapprove of gay marriage and gay equality in general.

Governor Mark Sanford (R-SC): Marriage is between a man and a woman and a "dear, dear friend" in another country.

Senator John Ensign (R-NV): Marriage is between a man and a woman and a campaign staffer who is also cheating on her husband.

Senator David Vitter (R-LA): Marriage is between a man and a woman and a woman who charges by the hour.

Senator John McCain (R-AZ): Marriage is between a man and a woman and a heiress you date while your divorce is being finalized.

Former Sen. Larry Craig (R-ID): Marriage is between a man and a woman and an undercover cop in a airport men's room stall.

Former Rep. Newt Gingrich (R-GA): Marriage is between a man, a woman who is served divorce papers while recovering from uterine cancer, and a woman he marries six months later.

Rush Limbaugh (R-Bizarro): Marriage is between a man and a woman, then a man and a younger woman, than a man and a younger woman again.

Ted Haggard, former megachurch preacher: Marriage is between a man and a woman and massage therapist who poses in a thong in adverts in the back of gay magazines.

Britney Spears: Marriage is between a man and a woman who get drunk in Vegas and get married on a whim.

Carrie Prejean, former Miss California 2009, future Anita Bryant footnote: Marriage is between an opposite and an opposite (although maybe she just means between Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat).

As you can see, marriage is in safe hands. With so many fine, upstanding examples of marital fidelity and virtue, how could they fail? Maybe we need a Defense of Marriage Act to defend marriage from Republicans.

--JKM