from kahea in the city:

so what about you? what's your dream job? are you doing it now? if yes, how's it going? is it everything you hoped it would be? if you're not working at your dream job right now, are you working towards it? or have you, like myself and so many others, almost resigned yourself to the fact that maybe the dream job was always supposed to be just that - a dream?


i don't really know that i've ever really had a "dream job." i mean yes, i've had jobs that i've wanted to do. but i've had so many of them that i could never really pinpoint just one thing that i ever thought would be the "be all end all."

but the first grown-up (well, "grown-up" i guess), thought-out job i remember really wanting was to work for mtv news. to be the girl version of gideon yago. and i actually took steps to make it happen. i interned for the mtv news department. and tried really hard to make a name for myself there in hopes that it would lead to something more.

but that job wasn't what i thought it would be - or the internship wasn't at least. i did a lot of tape dubbing and transcribing while sitting in a closet. a few people knew my name i guess, but most of the place couldn't pick me out of a lineup. i never felt like i was actually making any sort of impact there. i wanted that more than just about anything, but it just...it wasn't right. i didn't fit. and it took me doing that internship to know it. i had to try to know it was wrong. and it was wrong.

i definitely felt like one of a million there. but this was even more obvious since i was simultaneously doing another internship in which i felt like one in a million.

the only reason i took the internship with geffen was because they said yes before mtv did. and of course i couldn't change my answer after mtv made me an offer. so i did both.

and something weird happened. i started to love being at geffen. really love. the VP of the department (who would later become my boss) not only knew my name, but would stop and chat with me. and compliment me on the work i did. and notice that i was around more than any of the other interns. that i came in before he did and stayed after he left.

and i started to get all these new responsibilities. ones i really liked having. and i was learning a lot about music and the business and web development. and i got some really cool perks like free tickets to shows and free cd's. and i got to hang out with people like snoop dogg and lifehouse. i was actually excited with what i was doing and not the idea of what i was doing.

when things were good there, they were really good. the best. long hours and hard work, but fun. so fun. some of the best people i've ever known. people who were like me, but not; who brought out the best in me and help me to be happier than i'd ever been.

that job became my dream job. because my only dream has always ever been to be happy.

and i was really happy.

but things started to change. they always do. restructuring and layoffs and shifts in responsibility and the feeling like i was stagnant. and the feeling like if i stayed there, that's all i would be.

and so one day as i was reading this music blog i am on all day every day, i came across a post that said tooth & nail was hiring a new media person. frankly, it was perfect. the timing of it since i wasn't actively looking but had been considering starting a job hunt. the job itself since it was something i was completely qualified for. the company that was home to a bunch of bands i really liked. and the fact that it was in seattle, because i was ready to completely overhaul my life.

so i sent in my resume.
and here i am.

and obviously if you've been reading anything i've written for the past few days, i am back in that place again. where things have started to change. and there has been restructuring and layoffs and shifts in responsibility. and i feel utterly stagnant and i have a hard time believing that there's much more i can accomplish here.

which is weird to say. because for awhile this was my dream job too. all those good things and times at geffen happened here exponentially. incredible people and music and work and bands. and getting credit for things. not being treated like a department assistant for once. some of the best times of my life.

for awhile, i was really, completely happy. and there are moments when i still am, but they keep coming fewer and father between. and...that's okay. because i don't think there's supposed to be any one dream job that stays our dream job forever. the dream job is attainable. and really very easily attainable if you want it enough and are willing to do what it takes to get it.

the question for me is not if you can get your dream job. it's if you can keep it - keep it your dream. i'm 24. do i really think that what i consider to be a dream now - or considered to be a dream five, ten or fifteen years ago - is what will be my dream five, ten or fifteen years from now?

the truth is that we are all one in a million as long as we believe it. because it is true. you are the only you that will ever exist in the world and i am the only me. of course there are other people who might have the same "dreams" that we have. and yeah, maybe those people are smarter or prettier or funnier or nicer or better in any and every way.

but do they want your dream more than you? will they work as hard to get it?

i mean let's face it. if you don't even try to reach your dream, you'll never reach it. ever. life doesn't give handouts. things don't just fall into laps. you don't get what you want by not even attempting to get it. if you want a new pair of shoes, you have to go to the mall. or at least stevemadden.com. sure, you might come away empty-handed, but you might also walk away with the cutest magenta wedge heels you've ever seen, and on sale for 50% off.

i thought i had a "dream job." and i started the path to getting it. i never got there. i never became gideon yago. but as serendipity would have it, i may have found something even better. two somethings even better. and i'm not going to lie and say that everything has been perfect and everything is perfect. it's not. but that's life.

i don't regret a moment of what i've done with my life. i don't question it. i don't wonder. i've made some missteps, sure. but i'd never consider them mistakes. being involved in things i knew i didn't want to be involved in was what helped me realize the things that i loved.

even now, all this bullshit...i know it's bullshit. but i'm actively trying to work through it. things don't just happen to me. i let them happen. and i should make them happen if i want them to. it's been hard, and i'm not sure if i'll get back to how i used to be, at least not here. but at least i'm trying.

i haven't run yet. i wanted to. i really, really wanted to. but i know that if i keep attempting to right my life, to make myself happy again...it'll happen. as long as i try. something will present itself, and probably in a way i can't even begin to foresee.

but i like that. i like the not-knowing. it's the only thing that makes life worth living.