You know, I cannot even put into words why Jordin Sparks and the general humorlessness of the VMAs bothered me so much. Somebody help me out. I mean, it made Katy Perry's banana-peeling seem positively witty and un-self-conscious in comparison. Something is wrong when you make Katy Perry look witty and un-self-conscious in comparison, America.

(Also, everyone involved in the production of that show should be shot. I only watched for fifteen minutes, and I managed to spot three separate stagehands doing their jobs. You wear black because you're supposed to be invisible, kids.)