So I haven't so much kept up with this, but here goes with a new entry for a new year.

Where to start...

It's been such a busy holiday.  I feel like I just got here and it's already time to leave again.  I haven't accomplished anywhere close to what I was supposed to and I have no idea how and when I'm travelling back to North Bay.  I was planning on at least organizing my life here in Kingston but things have been so chaotic.  There's been tons of stuff to do with my family and Kathleen and my mom's been really sick so that's added stress to the whole situation.  She gets really dizzy a lot (sometimes to the point where she is on the floor and can't move) so she can't do as much as she's used to.  I think it's driving her a bit batty (as it would anyone I'm sure).  She sits and watches the TV with sunglasses on becaue apparently that helps to keep the dizzies away a bit and she can't drive herself around anymore because it's when she's sitting that it comes the worst.  She is still waiting for a consultation but she at least got into the naturopath today so hopefully the "witch doctor" as dad calls her will be able to help a bit.  It makes me feel a bit guilty for going away 'cause it seems like it's starting to tire dad out a bit dealing with it by himself, but at the same time, it makes me glad 'cause it's really hard to watch it.  I feel selfish saying that, and really, when push comes to shove, I'd rather be here to help, but still.  I'm also thinking that the added stress of someone else in the household when she's not used to it might not help her.  She was saying that it might be something called Meniere's Disease and apparently if diet and other easy treatments don't work, she'll need to have surgery on her inner ear and will most likely lose all of her hearing.  That's kind of a frightening thought.

Moving on from that scary topic: resolutions.  I need to get more on top of school this term.  I've been cramming everything into the last minute or handing stuff in late way too much.  The problem is, it's not because it's hard or I have too much (though there is a lot) it's because I can't motivate myself to do it.  The work for classes is so pointless and has given me such a pessimistic viewpoint that when something with a point comes along, I still can't bring myself to do it.  It's a vicious cycle that will stop.  Today, I went and spent a ridiculous amount of money at Indigo and one of my purchases was a planner entitled "Procrastinator's SOS."  I don't know that it will make that much of a difference but it has fun things to read every week (I suppose to aid in the procrastination process).

Another resolution is to take more control of my life.  Since approximately the middle of September, I've been slipping into a bit of a funk and I'm really not liking how it's making me feel.  I can blame teacher's college, living between cities, the breakup, whatever I want 'till I'm blue in the face but it really has little to do with those.  This year, I'm going to try to stop blaming anything or anyone but myself when I feel crappy and I'm going to do something about it.  I'm going to start taking care of myself again because I'm definitely not healthy.  I'm going to make sure that I have some "me time" every week (more of my Indigo purchases come in here - woo for reading for pleasure!!!).  Mostly, I'm going to start thinking about and planning life with a positive outlook.  It sounds all touchy-feely and lame, but I think it may work.  I've realized that I have to make myself happy and stop relying on everyone else around me.  Don't get me wrong, my friends and family are beyond wonderful and I am so very thankful for that.  But the fact that I have all of this is not making me happy.  I enjoy my friends and family and the time that I spend with them, but when I get time to sit alone and think, the funk comes again.  This means that I need to change the way that I'm thinking and find whatever I need to do to make me happy because it seems that I'm the only one not doing that. 

I have a feeling that paragraph makes no sense at all, and that's ok.  The fact that it's in writing (even if it's incoherent to most) will hopefully help me to feel like I have to do it.  Speaking of this positive outlook and controlling whether or not I'm happy, another one of my purchases today was a book called "Notes from the Universe."  It looks very intriguing though I haven't had much of a chance to go through it yet.

I'm also toying with the idea of moving to Ireland for a few months.  I don't think that I can go for a whole year or more to teach, but I think that it would be really good for me to go for a bit since I've never traveled and I need to prove to myself that I can do it.  I've never been away from home for that long.  (Home being Ontario)  I've also never been on an airplane or traveled farther away than New York City so yeah, I think it's time to broaden my horizons.  Plus, according to the Ontario College of Teachers, I will most likely be unemployed for the next 2-3 years anyway so why not leave for a bit?  The next step is seeing if I can afford it... not likely.

Even though I'm hating my classes up in North Bay (with the exception of 3 or so), I'm still liking the idea of teaching.  I was in a grade 7/8 class last term and it was one of the most wonderful experiences of my life.  I was scared at first when I learned that it would be that age as I'd much rather high school kids.  Adolescents have so much drama and by the time they're in grade 7 and 8, they tend to develop attitude problems.  I had a wonderful bunch of kids in my class though, and my associate teacher was more wonderful than I could've ever imagined.  She was great with the kids and I learned a lot from her but she treated me as an equal from day one.  It was wonderful.  I got a good evaluation from both her and my advisor from Nipissing.  He told me (after watching a lesson that I didn't think went very well) that he would hire me.  Unfortunately, he's not on any hiring boards, but it's the thought that counts I suppose.  The best part about the teaching was the kids though.  On my last day teaching them (Nov. 30) I came back to the classroom after lunch and one of the students was outside trying to keep me out of the classroom.  She went inside and they blocked the window so I couldn't see.  Finally, one came out and told me to close my eyes as he led me to the front of the classroom.  When I was told I could open my eyes, I saw the whole class gathered in the opposite corner facing me.  My associate started taking a video with my camera and the kids read a poem off the board that they had written entitled "An Ode to Ms. Lutz".  It read: M is for the marvelous things you do; S is for the sweets you gave us; L is for the lovely way you bring a smile to our faces; U is for the unique teaching strategies you have; T is for the terrific musical skills you have; Z is for the zoo that is our class; We will miss you dearly!  They then presented me with a signed, framed copy, a card, and a bottle of wine from my associate with a chalk holder.  It was so hard not to cry.  When I came back to visit in December, they were all so excited when I came back and were asking if I was going to teach them again.  They'd still come and ask me questions or make jokes with me or catch me up on their stories.  I can't even describe how happy I was coming out of the school after that week.

I also find that I'm really missing theatre.  The Grand Theatre here in Kingston is reopening this spring (hopefully) and the director that I used to work with when I was a stage hand back in high school is running the first show.  I've been out of contact for a few years obviously, but my uncle has already been asked to be a part of it (he's not sure what he's doing but likely either SM or ASM) so I can hopefully get in on it.  I just learned today that they'll be doing Beauty and the Beast so I'm really excited.  I also bought some theatre books today (yes, it was a very large bill).  My favourite may be the Avenue Q book that is actually orange and furry.  It's kind of awesome.  I really, really want to do a show!  I've even considered auditioning as well as going for stage crew for shows.  I'm not sure what's given me the urge to do that and it will probably never happen, but maybe...

Tonight I saw the movie "Once" and it was rather incredible.  If you haven't seen it, you should.  The scary thing was that about 1/2 an hour or less into it, I got this overwhelming thought that it would be fun to make it into a stage show and do it.  It's a musical and features a lead male and female with a few supporting chorus and follows a song writer and a girl that he meets on the street.  It was so wonderful and has put me in such a creative, artsy mood.  After it ended, I actually went and played piano for about 2 hours.  It makes me want to write songs, but I may just stick to amusing myself by making it into a musical.  I highly doubt that I'll ever be involved in producing the stage version (if there ever is one) but it may be something fun to keep me busy with something fun and to keep my mind off of other things.

Anyway, this has been very long and wordy.  I also doubt that it is even close to grammatically correct (sorry Laura).  I don't so much know how to hide things behind links either... I should learn that.  Anyways, kudos to you if you made it all the way to the end of my long string of word vomit.  Maybe if I make this a habit, posts will get more coherent.

I hope that everyone had a wonderful holiday and that we all have a wonderful new year :)