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Published : 3 months, 1 week ago (Fri, 22 Aug 2008 15:37:39 PDT)
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Intro: Sagasu is one of my more serious fanfics, it's writen purely by my own knowledge
a lot is probably incorrect. I never finished this story but I hope that one day I will.
The main theme is 'lost' it's a theme that I have written many poems about but never a story
so I was very curious how I would do, up till now I think it's all right.
Sagasu
Author: Kasumi
Pairing: ShinyaxKyo
Genre: romance, angst. sort of SF
Summary: Shinya has lost his memory and has to find out what happened a month ago, but if it’s a good idea…
disclaimer: I do not own dir en grey, but the therapist is mine! :D
note: this is a fanfiction about love and horror+more… but it won’t contain very much yaoi scenes, just to let you know.
“Mr. Terachi do you know why you are here?”
“Call me Shinya, my name is Shinya, terachi is my family name. Not mine.”
“Shinya do you know why you are here?”
“I do not know the answer to your question, I am absolutely sorry mister.”
“Do you know what you have done… Shinya?”
Shinya replaced his left leg under his right leg.
“I do much things, every day again.”
The therapist frowned. “Are those cruel things… Shinya?”
“No I am a normal human. I do not do things that are not normal.”
“All right then, what did you ate yesterday?”
“I can’t remember very correctly. I am sorry mister.”
The therapist nodded. And Took a picture from his desk. And hold it up to show the other men what was on it: A young blonde haired Japanese men of averaged age. That was smiling nicely to the one who took the picture.
“Do you know this men?”
Shinya felt nothing change. “I do not. But he seems to be a happy person, I am glad for him.”
“Good that’s a start.”
“Thank you mister.”
The therapist lay the photo back. “ Can you remember anything from the past month?”
As this was asked Shinya looked around in the quite empty room, only seconds later his eyes felt on a child’s drawing. “Who made that?”
“My daughter, but could you answer my question please.. Shinya?”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“I can’t remember anything from this month.”
“All right, I misunderstood you.”
“Doesn’t matter mister. But the time is over.”
He looks at the clock and noticed that Shinya was indeed right. “I expect you to be here tomorrow at 11AM. Have a nice day… Shinya.”
“Arigato.” And Shinya stood up and bowed politely.
“Sayounara Shinya.”
“Sayounara mister.”
~
Shinya walked over the crowed streets, not focusing his eyes on anything particular. He didn’t feel anything besides emptiness and confusion.
He woke up today in a cold room. It was a room in a hospital… but a hospital for people with psychical problems. And he was completely normal.
Just one person in the world. He said himself.
Soon that day he had to speak with someone, who explained him that things would change from now on.
What happened to him was not told. He only knew that one whole month had erased itself from his memories, wanting it or not.
And it seemed important that he’d remember that month.
Not to him but to his therapist.
Nothing was clearly everything seemed to be drifting away from him. To a place he couldn’t reach.
But wasn’t there any chance that it was supposed to happen? Wasn’t there a reason why’d lost his memories?
No answers, just questions.
Had he done something wrong? Was that why he had been asked that? Or was it just one of the main questions everyone who had to ‘luck’ of coming there was asked?
He opened his door and walked inside his house.
Soon he noticed that his house had changed for as good as he could remember.
Emptiness, nothing more then a few objects without a personality.
There lay a letter on his table;
Dear Terachi.
Due a few important things, we had to take several objects and other personal belongings of you.
We apologise for this. And hope that you won’t mind.
If there is anything you need, then you can call us.
Mr. Yamakumo.
Why not? What could be wrong by stealing someone belongings? Like it could harm me?
Shinya put the letter back on the table like he never touched it and walked upstairs to his bedroom.
~
Endless stars, in an endless heaven of colours.
Meanings or no, the stars would always be there.
You could try to reach them, but nothing would work.
~
Cold bet sheets, cold winter nights, alone always.
Afraid never.
~
The sound of a clock ticking, ticking… not wanting to stop ticking… not wanting to stop….
Not wanting to leave him alone, and sleep.
10AM, time to wake up.
And leave the never ending dreams of the most unrealistic things a person may imagine.
But dreams are nice because they end.
No one want’s to know what will happen if not.
~ Owari ~
note: all right just as you probably noticed it’s kind of confusing now but I will slowly reveal what happened in that ‘lost’ month. And the idea is inspired by a nicci french book so just to let you know ^_^
some more info: this fic will have as main theme Shinya’s and Kyo relationship but as well a bit of cruel things. Don’t expect much jokes… or much fluffiness ^^’’
all right *is very curious *
~~~~
Author: Kasumi
Pairing: ShinyaxKyo
Genre: romance, angst. sort of SF
Summary: Shinya has lost his memory and has to find out what happened a month ago, but if it’s a good idea…
note: I will take things slowly, so please be a little patient with this story, and the questions I choice are important so just think… ^^’’
“Terachi you are too late.”
“Shinya.”
“Shinya, you are too late.”
“Am not.”
“Just…” The therapist looked at the main clock.
“Just don’t mind my silly behaviour.”
“All right.”
“How are you feeling today?”
“Same as usual.”
“And that is?”
“Confused.”
Mister Yamakumo took a pen from the table and made a note. “That is logical, don’t fear the feeling.”
“I don’t, mister.”
“Very well, now about something else: what is your sexuality?”
“Straight, but do not ask me such silly questions. I have told you I am absolutely normal.”
He ignored that and took a look at his paper.
“Have you ever felt a sparkle because of looking at a male person?”
“No I am only interested in woman, but mostly I’m much too busy for them.”
“Thank you for answering”
“Why are there things missing in my house?” Shinya asked cold as ice.
“Because we have to make sure that things won’t go to fast. If you would find things out to fast… things could go very wrong.”
“Like everything is all right now.”
“Psychical problems cost time to heal, you have the medicine but it first have get used to your body, understand Shinya?”
“No.”
“All right then. I just meant that it will take some time for you to remember everything.”
“I know.”
“Good, now another question: have you ever hurt a person/animal in your past? Meaning really some damage not just a little.”
Shinya sighted and stared bored at the clock.
“No.”
“Ever had thoughts that other people could think are strange?”
“Everyone has such thoughts some time, but with this I don’t mean anything.”
“What is your reaction to blood?”
With this Shinya’s expression changed lightly.
“I have problems with the sight of blood, it makes me faint easily.”
The therapist smiled and wrote something else on the paper. “Well… so you can leave for today but I will give you some homework all right Shinya?”
“That is fine mister, I have nothing else to do.”
“Good.”
~
Shinya sat on the table and was reading a book mister Yamakumo had gave him. It was called: One foot in the grave. And it could easily be called a children’s book.
Why he had to read it was a mystery to him.
But as he tried to read every page, other thought entered his mind. Like why he couldn’t see any friend or family now. And why it was so important to do remember everything.
But the answer would come, he thought.
~
Cold dreamless night, under a sky of stars.
Sweet poems lighted by the moon’s glow…
~
“So Shinya. Found out anything?”
“The book is a children’s book, and one I wouldn’t usually read mister.”
“All right. Then I will tell you something: you read it two weeks ago.”
Shinya blinked and focused his eyes on mister Yamakumo. “Ow.” He said and continued; “Did I bought it myself or was it a gift?”
“It was given to you by the one you loved.”
Shinya looked with more interest at the men.
“But… I can’t remember that I ever had someone given me such book.”
Yamakumo smiled. “That is because it happened in the month you have forgot.”
“I see.”
Yamakumo still smiled and looked at his desk. “Today I will give you something else.”
Shinya nodded. “What is it?”
He took an album from his desk and handed it to Shinya.
“A photo album.”
“Why that?”
“That question is to you to answer Terachi.”
Shinya touched his cheek and thought.
“It is of a vacation I had?”
Yamakumo smiled. “Open it.”
Shinya did what he was asked and opened the little book.
And soon beautiful mountains and temples were shown.
“This is Kyoto.”
“Indeed it is, know why?”
“No… I have visited it a long time ago.. but didn’t really like it, … actually I prefer to visit every place once. So I see no reason why could have been there again.”
“That is something you’ll have to find out… Terachi, ehm Shinya.”
~
Shinya lay on his bed starring at the various pictures, all in all he had nothing to do else. He was free from work for another two months… and he people were forbidden to him… as his therapist said: ‘this process takes some time, other people could turn it upside down… and after all that isn’t what we need. Is it?’
But to Shinya it didn’t matter. The only thing he wanted to know is why it was so important to his therapist that he remember everything…
Normally it only matters to them that they get paid. And won’t have to do extra hours of work.
~
Shinya walked on an almost empty street of Tokyo.. just a little street… in just a big city.
Whatever it was… that picture of that young men with the blonde hair couldn’t disappear out of his mind.
It was stuck in his brains…
Such a simple common picture, of a common person.
Probably made by a common person as well.
What was his name?
To who did he smiled so happily?
In what kind of situation was the picture made?
Why had it been showed to me?
And all in all who was the person? Did I know him?
Did I like him? Or was it something very different…
“Shinya! Shinya! Wait!”
Shinya turned around to see who was calling him… and soon saw a red-haired man running towards him… smiling
And who was he supposed to be?
~* End chapter two *~
Lol this fic is so bad XD
Anyway I just wanted to say that I haven’t done any research for this fic, which is simply because I am very lazy and I need to put some stuff in this fic.
Ow yes a few of the questions are like totally stolen of a test I once made XD lol admire my creative spirit~
And are you seeing were it’s going? Know who the red-haired bimbo is? If yes ..good! I wanted to clear some things up soon… cos this fic shouldn’t take so much time. Yes I know I’m babbling on and on.
Feel free to think whatever you think and tell me ^_^
Just don’t throw with rocks or kozi’s kay?
Ok thanks.
Kasumi kimoto
~~~~
Title: Sagasu
Author: Kasumi
Genre: Romance, angst and sort of SF
Pairing: Kyoxshinya.
Warnings: None yet, but there will be one later.
note: important: I forgot to mention that this is an AU fic.. not that that is important.. but you have to keep in mind that some things will go very different from what happened in real. And I don’t know the exact date when diru started. So if something’s not right feel free to tell me
We’re gonna take things fast so fasten your seatbelts ne?
And who was he supposed to be?
“Hey dude, don’t look so surprised at the sight of this beautiful men… seriously.”
“Who…”
The figure walked closer to Shinya and lay his hand in his shoulder. “Calm down Shinya, no need to panic.”
“Who are you, how do you know my name?”
The figure frowned and looked confused just as Shinya.
“We are like in the same band, remember?” He smiled and looked into the dirty sky. “Ow yes I am Daisuke… but just call me Die kay?”
Shinya nodded softly and tried to remove the hand.
“I have never been in a band, and I’m am awfully sorry mister but I don’t know you.”
~
Shinya opened his eyes hand saw a grinning face in front of his…
“Good morning Shin-chan!”
The said man frowned. “Were am I?”
Die removed himself out of Shinya’s sight.
“In my humble home.”
“What am I doing here?”
“Resting.”
“But.”
“You began to act weird so I kicked ya on the head to place everything right again… but you fainted.”
“So you decide to bring me here?”
“No I decide to let you die on the streets of Tokyo.. that’s why you’re here.”
Shinya shook his head and stood up from the bed he was lying on. “I’m leaving. It was a pleasure to meet you Die.”
Die looked up from his chair. “Now already? We haven’t even played poker!”
“Play it with yourself.”
“Shinya what has happened with you?” he stood up and walked close to the said men. “Did Kyo hurt you before he left?”
Kyo? Who is Kyo? What is Kyo? Did I know that person? Or is this Die… just seeing me as an other person? Thinking I am someone else… but same name same looks…
“I am very sorry but as my therapist wished I cannot talk to anybody.”
And he walked out of the little apartment.
~
1 week later.
Seas filed with purple liquid, dreams filled with the pain of tomorrow, thoughts as overwhelming as the nights shadows, voices sounding as scared as the cry of the death…
“Shinya can you take a picture of me here? I want to remember it” Some unclearly figure says.
“All right just one second.”
-click- and a picture was made.
“Thanks shin” The sound of soft lips touching skin.
“Ne let’s go back to our hotel room before it gets to dark.”
~
Eyes open slowly and look around the room.
just a simple dream, imagines created by the mind.
A soft feeling of the wind against his skin. A light pain in the head. The sound of a heart that’s beating slowly…
Someone who knows me.
Someone whom I have knew.
Die. He said I’m his friend.
He said I was in a band.
He said that Kyo could have hurt me.
But who is Kyo?
Kyo, Kyo-I, Kyo-san, Kyo-chan…
Just one name. No pictures. No surnames.
Just one thought, nothing more, nothing less.
~
“So Terachi tell me what you have found out.”
“Shinya.”
“Shinya tell me what you have found out”
“I have been in a band and I have known two people called Daisuke and Kyo…”
The therapist smiled. “Good Shinya. I am proud of you.”
“Domo arigato.”
“Now I have to tell you that I have spoken with mister Andou and that I don’t want you to see him anymore, all right?”
“Hai mister.”
“So have you found out who Kyo is already?”
“No. But I would like to.”
The therapist smiled. “ He was your love.”
Shinya’s eyes opened wide. “Nani?”
“He’s 22 years old, has blonde hair but originally black. His real name is: Tooru niimura. And he played in a band called la:sadies.”
“Ow..”
“He was your boyfriend one months ago. But he left.”
“Are those a lies?”
“Nothing more then the truth.”
“But that means..”
“That you are not so normal Shinya.”
“That’s not what I wanted to say, he was the person on the picture you showed me right mister?” Voice soft as the cold wind that blew outside the building.
“Hai that was Niimura.”
In a soft voice, almost a whisper: “Then I dreamed about him.”
Yamakumo wrote another thing on his block-note. And leaned comfortably back in his chair. “Hm I’m good at my work.”
~
Lies, lies …. How can a person be sure if one’s telling the truth? How can I be sure that what I know is the truth?
Anyone, everyone could have just lied to me, a play… a mean dirty play, it could have been.
How can I know the truth? How can I be sure?
What do they want from me? There’s nothing left.
Nothing left of the person I used to be, I can feel that it’s just a simple mask I have put up. A polite other personality. Not me, no not me… but someone else… A person who should have been me…
But I am just a person that’s nobody anymore. Nothing’s left of me. I have no friends because I do not know who my friends are anymore. It’s pathetic, sad… the only thing that I can do is trust that men who is just doing his job. A job with a goal that I do not know.
I’ll have to wait until it becomes clearly… the reason why I have lost my memories, the person I was.
The sight of people walking over the streets…
Kyo is nowhere to be found, the person I loved is not with me… he’s not here to tell me the truth.
A boy who drops his bag accidentally on the ground…
A car that comes with high speed driving over the streets…. A loud yell and the sound of something hitting skin.
I loved that person I don’t know anymore. I loved him deeply…. But did he love me?
~*~--‘*’ Owari ‘*’--~*~
notes: *this was such a kumi-ish chapter ne?*
1. so the Die and Shin stuff was kinda weird 0_o
2. Shinya is starting to get paranoid! :D that’s fun… I <33 crazy men.
3. The therapist decide to tell Shinya something because it was time for that… yes it was :P deal with it kay?
4. I think I need a beta reader XD my words program decide to stop checking my typo’s….~_~
5. who is actually reading this? I have a strange feeling that I can name those… hahaha lol
6. You know… This is like another Shinya fic… and that surprises me… really. I guess that I just like to write him.
7. you know I used to write people with a really, really mixed up personality… do you notice that?
All right that’s all for today… I’m hungry so..
Byeeee *waves* Maybe I’ll go writing some more of Tsuyamono... or wait I won’t ahahah! I’m reading something nice :D
Kasumi kimoto
http://www.livejournal.com/community/jrockyaoi/323956.html
http://www.livejournal.com/community/jrockyaoi/329873.html#cutid1
~~~~
Title: Sagasu 4/?
Author: Kasumi
Genre: romance, angst and blah :D
Pairing: KyoxShinya…
Rating: pg/13. Nothing to be warned for at this moment..
note: I think that it would be important to tell that Shinya hasn’t just forgot that ‘one’ month, no he has forgot more then that. Let’s just say how it is to feel some emotions … he has forgotten how it is to be alive.
And you’ll hopefully see that Shinya has come to a turning point, so I hope you’ll see more clearly how he looks at stuff ^_^
what happened in other parts?
Shinya learned that Kyo was his boyfriend and that Die had saw him as a friend. Shinya had dreamed about Kyo and wanted to know if he felt the same for him(Shinya)
The therapist felt proud of himself and yes.. he told shin some things bout Kyo.. blalahhaha
Enjoy
I walk trough the dark silent streets of Tokyo.
Hearing nothing, seeing nothing, smelling nothing and feeling nothing… all except emptiness…
Endless emptiness.
And I am alone. Always alone.
Even if a person would hold me now and say it loves me.
Then I would still be alone. Because I do not know how it is to be together. To be happy because of the others presence.
Embrace me, love me, seduce me, lock me up deep inside your heart.
I’m waiting, waiting for that person that did love me, did he?
I want to hear him, smell him, see him, feel him…
~
Die sits next to me, he’s laughing about a joke Kaoru just made. Kaoru is a person I have met in that month as well. He’s nice but serious…and does his upper best to look manly.
I try to smile, I try to laugh… but I can’t. I have forgotten how to.
“Shinya it’s your turn now.”
I look up at Die, and then at the play-board.
“What kind of person is Kyo?’
“Ow he’s the quiet type, mostly locked up in his own world. But when you know him better… as you told me. He’s is a sweet person with a good heart. His lyrics are depressing though.”
He smiled at me on that picture… he knew me well.
“Did he ever say something about me?”
Die smiled. “yes he said that he never wanted to separate from you, The little shrimp.”
Never leave, never be alone… always with you
“Oi shin still alive baby?”
Light, blinding light.
“Yes … just … ehm it’s my turn ne?”
~
“So how are things going Shinya?”
“Quite well actually.”
“Good. Then I have something else that I want you to do. All right?”
“Yes Mister.”
“I want you to make a diary for your lost days… so you begin with day one and then two etc. And you will have to write everything you remember from that day. OK?”
Shinya nodded politely. “All right.”
~
The sound of a voice, words after words..
Sentence filled with meanings, poem-like.
On a way it’s difficult to understand what it’s hiding.
The slow melody, the soft guitar… the drums at perfect timing. The sound of the bass flowing with the rest.
But the voice… so real. Like it’s telling you something. Just with the sound…
taken away by the wind, never again to reach you.
I can’t touch you, I can’t hear you, and I can’t feel you.
the season that coincides with my memories
The summer it was, then it was that I fell in love with you. But which day? Which hour? Which minute…
And whenever I think of a you that I never knew… my heart aches.
I want to reach them, my memories.
The petals that have fell of the sakura tree, because blooming time is over…
They slowly flow away with the soft wind.
To never be found again… because they will be replaced again… by time...
~
Shinya starred at the face of Yamakumo, how he hated the sight of him… Just the fake smiled that could always be found, the fake bleached blonde hair that had been painted too many times, the perfectly black suit with that un-matching pink tie, expensive brown sunglasses with fake diamonds, that voice that seemed to be full of self-love. Everything together made him simply disgusting like a rock star with the wrong attitude.
But he, Shinya had to stay with Yamakumo because of some difficult arrangements. And bla bla bla...
“Shinya How many girlfriends did you have?”
“Enough.”
“That is no answer.”
“I Know. But it’s personal so I won’t tell.”
Yamakumo smiled. “Ah so, not many then.” Silence. “ Ever had dirty fantasies?”
“No as I have said so many times before: I am a very normal person.”
“Normal enough to join a rock band and start a homo-erotic relationship?”
“And that is no question either.”
~
“You know… I am not allowed to call you.”
“Because of that Yamashit guy?” Die said trough the phone.
“Yeah he wants everything to go slow and carefully...
He’s such a ‘professional’ like very much.”
Die played with his bracelet. “At least he helps you.”
“That’s true… but he has a reason I don’t know yet.”
“Could be hun… but maybe he just thinks you’re totally hot.”
Shinya made a disgusted face. “And that is simply gross.”
“I know. But it happens ne? Anyway I’m giving this sleep-over part… care to join?”
“Rather not.”
“Please.” Said with a begging voice.
“All right then I will come in about 20 minutes.”
“You would have come if it was a porno movie party too ne?”
“Ja mata!”
~
Bodies spread over the floor, the scent of alcohol and tabac everywhere. Soft voices whispering pointless things by the affect of the strong liquid. People hallucinating as return for using drugs. The sound of people asleep far away in their dreams… The panting in the other room.
The cloths and blankets covering the floor…
The soft ticking of a clock… tick. Tick. Tick.
Shinya starred fascinated at the magnificent illustration.
Like in a horror movie, so pretty but no scent of blood. No dead bodies just people who had the luck to be themselves and drink for their luck of tomorrow.
They know… how their life has been, they have chosen to bring themselves in such situation.
I as well. I am just like them. Drowned in the water not knowing how to breath anymore.
The sight of the stars shinning to be beautiful tonight.
The moon not half, not full… lighting up the left creatures on the earth. And slowly… the sight of the sky becoming more clearly…
So slow… like the ballad of ones life. Slow with it good sides and bad sides…
And then the sun comes up. Awaking the new day.
~
“So Shinya Terachi you are?”
“Hai Fuyoko-san” Shinya said politely.
She smiled nicely, real. “I am very curious why you wanted to talk with me, could you answer me?”
“Now as I told you trough the phone I have problems remembering some things, and you told me you could show people such things by hypnotising me.”
She smiled once more. “That is true, but never forget that there might be a reason why you have forgotten things.”
“I Guess so.”
“All right we will begin tomorrow.”
“Arigato, And sayounara…”
And he left….
Smiling at the thought of finally doing what he should have done much earlier.
Kyo I will remember you…
And then when I do, I will find you…
~*---*--*.*-- Owari --*.*--*---*~
Notes:
1. I think that I feel satisfied with this chapter.
2. I feel so proud of shin-chan! He does so many things his therapist has forbidden him to do :D
lalalla Ow yeah! These lines: taken away by the wind, never again to reach you. AND this one: the season that coincides with my memories are from taiyou no ao normally I don’t use stuff from other things …(not much) but when I downloaded the lyric I thought that it fitted the fic quite well. And some lines written in italic in the beginning are from a poem I wrote long ago :D (yeah I have a poem book)
3. Shinya feels his love for Kyo very clearly now, it’s like he’s still in love because feelings don’t flow away… you know?
4. and as well he is becoming more like he used to be.
5. lol does anyone actually know where I can find a beta-reader? Lol I like checking other people fics but my own.. no thanks XD
<333 ya all…
Cookies and spoons…
Kasumi kimoto
other parts:
http://www.livejournal.com/community/jrockyaoi/323956.html (1)
http://www.livejournal.com/community/jrockyaoi/329873.html#cutid1 (2)
http://www.livejournal.com/community/jrockyaoi/333452.html (3)
Sagasu 5/?
Author: Kasumi
Pairing: ShinyaxKyo
Genre: romance, angst. sort of SF
Summary: Shinya has lost his memory and has to find out what happened a month ago, but if it’s a good idea…
disclaimer: I do not own dir en grey, but the therapist is mine! :D
note: sowie this chap cost me some time as well. And ehm it’s a kind of filler chapter as well.. not with much poem-ish things cos that’s that :P and Ow well I have chosen to make some place for unexpected situations.
Don’t mind the fact that it’s unrealistic please ^^’’
I walk trough a small way, very slowly… footstep for footstep. I have no idea where it will lead me because it’s hardly familiar to me. This way.
And as I walk further, I hear soft voices: giggling, laughing, talking, whispering.
Seconds have past, or minutes?
I see a door, it’s brown and opened…I walk trough and see a living room. Uncommonly decorated.
There’s a couch with two people laying on it.
One on top of the other, with long brown silky hair.
The other one is blonde. Both have no shirt left.
The blonde places his lips on the other ones. Softly and gently. Not what you would expect from such a person.
I keep my eyes focused on them. Like their art.
Art I have seen before but not know where.
Because I see that the blonde one… is Kyo.
I recognise him from the picture… the picture where he smiled so brightly and the dream where he was so happy.
But… who is the one with the brown hair? Did Kyo cheat on me and then left Tokyo… to escape from me? From telling me the truth?
I open my eyes and see light, only light.
~
“Welcome back Shinya.”
“Domo arigato Yamakumo.”
He smiled, showing off his perfect teeth.
“So this time we won’t be talking about what happened in that ‘lost’ month… but how it could happen. All right?”
“Hai.”
“As you probably already expected there is a reason why you’ve forgotten those days. And that is simply because something traumatic has happened to you. And actually we shouldn’t use the word: Forgotten. Because your brain has hidden it deep inside, the memories. And only with the help of me… you can remember what happened to you.”
“So it was something bad?”
“Hai.”
Shinya changed his sitting position.
“Like what?”
Yamakumo smiled again.
“Murder, rape, teasing, close to death situation. Etc.”
“Ah, I see. So you know what happened?”
The therapist almost wanted to open his mouth. But thought a little instead. “No.”
“You do.”
“Time is over, see you tomorrow.”
Shinya nodded and stood up. Preparing to leave…
“One thing..”
“Yes?”
“If there’s anything you feel much fear with, tell me… because it’s possible to get phobic.”
“All right.”
~
“Hey Kaoru care for some tea?”
“Sound nice.”
Shinya walked to the kitchen and filled the can with water, placing it on fire only several seconds later.
“So Shin. How life going?”
Shinya smiled and sat down on his chair.
“Quite well, thanks for asking.”
Kaoru played with a string of his black hair. “You know… when you and Kyo were together. You were different. But not as much as when I first met you after you forgot everything…I think you are going the right way of becoming like you used to be: a 19-year-old-boy.”
“Baka! I may not be 21.. or older but I shouldn’t be called a boy either!”
Kaoru smiled. “Calm down I was just joking. And to be honest you act older then you are ne?”
Shinya frowned. “Older then you!” A little laughing. “It’s hard to believe you’re 22!”
“Hey I’m still young too!”
“Pieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!!” The sound that tells you the tea’s finished.
~ 3 hours later ~
It was late in the evening and both Shinya and Kaoru were sitting on the couch in the living room. In front of the colour TV, watching a movie which was close coming to an end.
“Ah you know Shinya… now Kyo is gone far away, you could pretend I’m him.”
Shinya smiled sadly. “If things were that simple. And even then… I wouldn’t. Love is not to be given away by ones self. It gives it’s self away.”
Kaoru moved himself closer to Shinya and stroked his cheek softly. “Ow just give me time and that’ll happen.”
A soft touch of lips touching lips…A hand that moves under Shinya’s shirt.
“This is not what I want.”
A grin. “And what if I do not care?” Another hand going down to the zipper of Shinya’s pants. “I’m just a human of flesh and blood. Maybe I will take what’s mine ne?”
A hand slapped against the black haired men’s skin. colouring red. “No one owns me. And Kaoru I thought we were friends! If you wanted to fucking rape me then why didn’t you told me that right away?”
Silence and a body that slowly moved itself back to the corner of the couch. “Gomen.. I can explain.”
“Hm?”
“Yamakumo called me and asked a favour… and in return he would pay me some great cash.”
Shinya’s eyes opened wide. “What!? Are you serious? Isn’t this just a lie to get me satisfied over your shameful behaviour?”
Kaoru shook his head and took his cigarette pack from out of his pocket. “Ne I won’t lie to you… It’s true.. he asked me to seduce you into a relationship or just a night with you… you know have sex with you?”
reality is so cruel? Reality is so mean?
Reality is so human.
“Bu-ut why?”
Kaoru smiled sadly and lighted a cig that he had just took out of pack. “I need the money very much, you see my guitar needs some repairs.”
Shinya stood up.
“Then fuck me.”
“Eh?”
Shinya looked disgusted as he pulled Kaoru up from the couch and caught his lips in his. “Just fucking do it!”
A kiss that was being returned.
“I don’t understand you…”
“You need money, I need to know how it feels to.. to.. you know.”
Clothes being thrown off roughly. Lips meeting lips…
And skin hitting skin as the stars shone brightly trough the window in the living room. Lighting two people up who were both filled with disgust and confusion.
~*---*---*~
“Good morning Shinya, may I say that you look quite exhausted today?”
A sad smile. “That is because of you”
The grin on Yamakumo’s face faded away.
“How come that?”
“You have asked Kaoru to have sex with me, so I did.”
Just simple words, meaning almost nothing if you don’t know what brought them.
The all so familiar smile returned to his lips.
“It makes me glad to hear that, did it gave better insight in anything?”
“I can simple say, mister. That it showed me very well that you’re paid very well.”
“Right.”
“And that I am a important client to you, mister. You are not just doing this job for me, it’s the police ne?”
~* Owari *~
ah notes down stairs ^^;
side story: for just one night.
Kaoru-chans POV
Love is just a simple thing. You give it away, and when you’re lucky it’s given back.
Like a trade. You can chose if you want to give it, and want to receive it.
But if it was so simple…
Then I would have chosen to not fall in love at all.
Then maybe, I could have felt different.
But once it started. It costs time to disappear.
So Shinya, like it or not… I will try to make you love me.
And how many times I tell myself: it was love at first sight. I know that the candle was lit when you touched me with those soft, elegant fingers.
Just those lips against mine… were able to make me melt. O well.. I know your heart is still with Kyo. Even if it’s like you never met him. Your heart is his and not mine.
And that’s something I will have to live with because… it’s not different. Things are like this. This is just life.
Still I can easily say… Shinya I don’t care you fucked me because it was only to remember how it felt. Loving you is enough for me, I don’t and won’t expect your lips against mine again. But…
just let me look at you.
Just let me smile to you.
Just let me be near you.
Just let me be.
I guess it’s selfish to not think about your feelings.
But as an old saying says: love is just selfish, let it be.
Ow at least that’s my saying.
~* Owari *~
notes for side story:
1. I thought the chapter was too short so that’s why there is an side story :D
2. I hope I made clearly that Kao-chan adores Shin but actually feels happy about it and doesn’t mind it.
3. weird it is though ^^;;
notes for chapter 5:
1. Ow well I hope you noticed that shin was under hypnoses at the first piece.. did you? Eh ^^”
2. what I wrote about that Shinya has forgotten things cos of traumatic situation is not made up… it happens in real as well.(but then they just forget the happening heheh) and some people get phobic for something completely different later.. oh well mostly it happens years later.. but I would love to make Shinya afraid of something like: toilets XD no wait! Bananas!!!
3. ah don’t you like mister perverted bad mooded Shinya? Ow well I do! Ha! I hope that you very surprised by his decision with the other mister called Kao!
4. Yamakumo.. Yamakumo! Oh gosh his character is great because he thinks he knows very much and is doing his work rather well.
5. the police? 0_0 Shinya what have you done?
6. I love notes.. seriously :D you too?
Note to my beta reader: I would still love it if you could beta read my stuff but for this chapter I wasn’t able to send you the fic ^^’’
important note: Ow well I have reasons why updating took me so long so it’s not that I’m lazy or anything. And I will be going to my grandparents for a week so I won’t update then.. I’m very sorry for this..
other chapters:
http://www.livejournal.com/community/jrockyaoi/323956.html (1)
http://www.livejournal.com/community/jrockyaoi/329873.html#cutid1 (2)
http://www.livejournal.com/community/jrockyaoi/333452.html (3)
Last part that I never finished:
Shinya lay on his couch and flipped trough the photo album of his forgotten vacation with Kyo, the person he loved.
the memories we shared were sweet,
at least that is what I like to believe
that we lived in a paradise like reality
just to love each other
I should visit the hypnosis lady again, maybe I can find out
who the other person was in the dream, Shinya thought while he turned
the next page revealing a photo of him under a blooming sakura tree.
This must have been in january, he decided. taking a risk that the location was okinawa
and not somewhere else.
~~~
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