I need to call A today, but I am eaten up with self-doubt.

I have convinced myself, through the course of the week, that she doesn't like me and that rejection is imminent. That the revelation of my inexperience was fatal. My mind has dwelt on how quiet she was following it; how she just stood there looking at the stars and didn't say anything at all. Maybe she was really involved in looking at the stars. Did I think about that? Yeah, I think that's probably likely.

If she rejects me, so what? That can't be the end. I can't stop here. But this was such a rare circumstance that brought me out of my decade-long dating slump. How can I recreate it? It was the first time in a decade that lightning struck and it dawned on me unequivocally that here was a girl who was into me. It gave me the confidence to pursue her and ask her out, confidence that was rewarded. I'm not sure that confidence is still sustained. Now what pushes me onward is brazen stubbornness. I'm actually scared witless and fearing every new step, but very curious to see what may be next and unwilling not to try.

Am I really afraid of rejection? I have been hurt many times. I'm still alive. And I'm pushing onward. I am anxious about rejection. I am expecting it paranoiacally. But I'm gritting my teeth and driving myself towards what seems almost certain, because I realize that it's not as certain as it seems, that my expectations are wrong. Will this paranoia go away? Being rejected again would certainly be a setback, but would it be the end? No, I don't think so. I am maturing. I am learning.

And in truth, I learned the other day that I largely misjudged A's initial attraction to me in the first place. In my mind, I had charmed her, swept her off her feet, sent her home thinking about me. That time and the next time I saw her I read strong vibes that she was into me. But she told me that the first day had actually been a very shitty day for her -- it had been Valentine's Day, the first since her most grievous breakup, and that she was in no mood to be charmed at all. Was it just the perception that I had charmed her that gave me confidence? The self-perception that I am charming? Am I charming? Can I be charming? Can I do this again? Not only present myself as charming, but confidently believe myself to be charming, enough to give me confidence to ask someone else out?

Who would I ask out? The other half to the rare circumstance of A is that she was someone new who was into me, someone I had not already labeled as sorted as "friend". There are certainly a good many friends I am attracted to, girls I would gladly ask out, would be happy to do things with -- but I fear crossing that line. I feel they have already labeled and sorted me, too, as "friend". To cross that line seems a recipe not only for my rejection, but for the undermining of the friendship. For example, there is a girl I will call B. I once had a raging crush on her, but when it became clear to me that she wasn't into me, I settled her comfortably in my mind as "friend". Yesterday I talked to her online for the first time in months, and told her about my dating angst with A. She is a friend, right? I can ask her dating advice. Then last night I saw B at a party. She observed that I had lost weight and said I looked good. It was just a friendly compliment; I know this for a fact. But I in turn said that she looked good, too. I also meant this as a friendly compliment; a mere reciprocation. But after I said it I thought, "Wow, she really does look good." I could sense an awkwardness from her. I could sense the thought, "He doesn't still like me, does he?" Or was I thinking too much?

B is an unusual case, since I did once burn bright for her and flirted with her a little more overtly than I have with other friends. I once implied fairly undeniably that I was interested in dating her, and met a very awkward silence and then didn't hear from her for a while. I took this as being shot down at a low altitude, and I am very glad to be her friend again, and I know better than to pursue her. But what if she did mean her friendly compliment as a little more than friendly? ... No, I'm not going there.

But going out is patently about doing fun things with someone you enjoy spending time with. Does it necessarily demand romantic interest? Couldn't I call up B and go on a trip to a battlefield or an old home? Sure I could. It might be better to invite a group, to alleviate any unusual tensions, but I could do that.

Are there any other girls I'd like to ask out? Sure. But crossing that line is still intimidating. I can ask friends to do things, to meet for coffee or lunch or such, but this only impinges on the line. This is usually interpreted as merely friendly. And this is a fortunate thing, as it does not threaten the friendship in any way. But crossing the line into romantic interest -- making a bold statement that I am into the person -- is something I have never successfully pulled off. With A it was different, since though we did meet several times as friends, we never fell into the rut of being mere friends. Even when we went out for lunch and no lines were crossed, I paid for her meals and they can be considered early dates.

Talkiing to B also raised another issue. She suggested several times, sweetly and with good intention, that I should hang out at the Baptist Student Union and maybe meet some girls there. I wanted so much to tell her, "B, you don't know me anymore. Most Christian girls would reject me in a heartbeat if they had any inkling of how liberal I've become." But that shell, the image of a "good Christian", is rigid and solid. I am a Christian, and I don't want to deny Christ in any way. I just have different beliefs than many. I had hoped that as people got to know me, they would see that I am different, but I am realizing that if people see me as a "good Christian", they handle me with kid gloves. B certainly does. On our date the other day, A early on was talking fairly openly about sex. Later on during our ride home, we were talking about music and I let her browse my iPod. I have a good bit of Christian music on my iPod. There was no more talk of sex or anything that might be objectionable to a "good Christian". I want to show her that I am different; but how? If I come right out and say, "I'm not like that. I'm more liberal than you think," what does that say about my faith? I am in a strange place with it anyway.

I think I should somehow bring up faith with her before this gets any worse. She is a Christian, too, but has never once mentioned her faith. I think it is important in a relationship, of any sort, to understand where the other person is with regard to matters that are important to them. And my faith is important to me. How can I bring this up? I am so afraid of making people feel they are being judged. We talked about church just a little the other day. But I am not a "church person" either. I fear these stereotypes. I desire frankness and openness.

What I really need is a mind meld -- total understanding with none of the work.

I will call A in a little while. And hope this isn't yet the end of our story. What I really want more than anything is to continue seeing her, doing things with her casually, without it becoming so weighty. I need to learn the rules of this game. I need to let her know that I'm not pursuing something serious right now.