Episode #5022
Days until contract expiration: 561

Sign-offs
* "Camping is nature's way of promoting the hotel industry."

Boners (brought to you by chicken strips)
1. "You Gotta Watch These People": Parents are seeking the job of a Chicago public school teacher who used a sixth-grade Muslim student as an example in a discussion of terrorism last week. The teacher speculated that the student might be considered a terrorist when arriving at an airport security gate. The student has refused to discuss the matter with the press, but his brother indicated that the student was teased relentlessly afterward and came home from school crying.

2. "Throw a Shrimp on the Chin": One paramedic was fired and another suspended for six months after they behaved inappropriately in the house of a man who was having a heart attack. One of the paramedics ate the patient's celery, and another put a prawn (shrimp) on the patient's chin in hopes of cooking it whilst administering shock treatment with a defibrillator.

3. "She's My Wife": A Wisconsin appeals court threw out video evidence against David Johnson in a case that claimed Mr. Johnson sexually assaulted his comatose wife by having sex with her. Nursing home attendants became suspicious of Mr. Johnson after seeing him touch his wife in a sexually explicit manner. Police set up a hidden camera and caught the man in the act.

The Chicago teacher is Boner of the Day.


Pay-More Shoes
Festus is currently somewhere between child shoe sizes and men's shoe sizes, which makes finding footwear somewhat difficult. Gina went to several stores, including Dillard's, with no help or assistance. She finally took him to Nordstrom's, where a very friendly clerk spent a great deal of time with Festus and managed to find him some acceptable shoes. Mrs. Bill jokingly suggested that Gina could have just taken Festus to Payless Shoes.... HAHAHAHA!

In another tale of actual customer service, Gina purchased a gallon of milk from the Harmon's grocery store, but found that it was two-days past the sell-by date when she returned home. She found her receipt and went back tot he store. No problem. The clerk didn't even need to see Gina's receipt. When they didn't have another gallon of the milk that Gina purchased, she picked up two half-gallons instead and was willing to pay the difference. No, no. Not necessary at the Harmon's.


"Red Ryder carbine-action, two hundred shot Range Model air rifle BB gun with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time"

After the broadcast with the band and poor people at The Gateway, Kerry made good on his promise and purchased a BB gun to take care of that carpet-bagging squirrel that stole Skillet's home. It was a genuine Red Ryder - and came with the gun, safety goggles, and a tin of BBs. The only thing it didn't have was a coupon for Oval-tine. Kerry loaded it and placed it right next to the back door. A few days after, Kerry gets a text message from Sue informing him that The Damned Squirrel was tearing up the patio furniture again. Kerry encouraged her to shoot it! Sue didn't want to shoot it, she just wanted to scare it away. She hit the chair, but it wasn't going anywhere. Kerry is going back to the drawing board. He spread black-pepper all over the patio furniture. Now he just needs to get a noise-activated tape recorder to capture the squirrel's sneeze.

'Coon Fear
Apparently the raccoons were stowaways on Bill's latest camping trip. Perhaps they held to the bottom of the car like Robert DeNiro in Cape Fear. The first night, they attacked the unlatched food boxes, stealing the bread and cookies. The second night, Bill ensured that the boxes were latched, but the 'coons just pushed the boxes off the picnic table and ransacked them again. Bill's no fool, however, and put them in the car on the third night. They sure outsmarted those damnable critters.

Neglected News
Val Kilmer is pregnant with Carson Daly's little request. Tara Reid was devastated and tried to drink the town dry...again. Hannah Montana is dating some church-going, 20-year-old man-junk.

Picking Your Battles
Joe is just fine with tent camping, but he knows that Gina would never survive. To that end, he gave in and purchased a really nice, really big, really comfy camper. Well, mostly comfy. It doesn't have a Heavenly Bed in it, so Gina needs to find one o' them egg-crate thingies. Joe cannot, however, put up with the fact that the trailer has the word "Extreme" emblazoned upon it. He wants Gina to bring home a bunch of Radio From Hell stickers to cover it up. So, if you see a big trailer advertising "Radio From Hell", be sure to ask Joe for a sample of his Wild Oats' brand organically farmed fishing worms.