inside my head. ">
I found myself cutting off people who reminded me of Jack. It hurt too much to see life going on when mine had come to a bitter end. I didn’t want to rejoice over their happiness when I was screaming in pain inside my head.
I didn’t want to hear about how sorry they were for my loss. How strong I am for raising our son by myself. It wasn’t as if I’d been given much of a choice. I had to get up everyday and take care of my boy. I had bills to pay, groceries to buy. I had to go on, but I died a little on the inside every time I received someone’s condolences.
After my little breathing crisis, of course it wasn’t an easy week to deal with. Mostly, I was allowed to sleep, and I took advantage of that. On the few occasions when I was allowed out of my room, it was only as far as the couch, and even then it was under protest. I wasn’t allowed to cook. I wasn’t allowed to clean. I wasn’t allowed to do anything that would stress my lungs.
Then there was the issue of Jensen. I couldn’t tell if I’d done something wrong or had pissed Jensen off in some manner. After my little bronchial attack it was like a switch had been flipped inside him. He still laughed and joked with Bryce. He was unfailingly attentive, but there was a distance that I could feel, and I wasn’t sure how to approach him about it.
If I sat on the couch next to Jensen, he’d get up and settle a throw around my legs, and then go sit anywhere but next to me. After a few days of this, I stopped coming anywhere near him, and tried not to let the hurt reflect in my eyes.
By Tuesday I was feeling up to napping on the couch, with the TV turned down low, when my doorbell rang. I shuffled to the door and was surprised to find Mike on
the other side. He leaned down, swooped me up in a bear hug, and twirled me around.
“You stood me up Saturday night, beautiful,” he laughed loudly as he set me on my feet.
“Shhh,’ I urged him and tried to stifle my laugh, and then my cough. Jensen had been filming all night, but had still insisted on playing nursemaid. He was currently asleep in my guest room.
“Sweetie, you look like crap,” he blurted with a frown. “Should you be up?” He grabbed my elbow with a steadying hand when I weaved on my feet.
“I was lying down when you showed up,” I frowning at him slightly.
He laughed and picked me up in his arms and kicked the door shut. The problem I was discovering with being surround by these big guys was the fact that they could pick me up and sling me around as they wanted. I never felt threatened it was just rather un-nerving.
“I’ll be more than happy to take you to…”
“What the hell is going on?” Jensen scowled from the hallway. His hair was sticking up on end, and he had a crease on one cheek. Most of all he was pissed as hell.
My breathing was a little too fast from the cold air Mike had let in, and a harsh barking cough ripped from my chest. Mike quickly set me back on my feet as I fought to catch my breath.
“Fuck.” Jensen growled out, and started towards me.
“It’s okay.’ I gasped out. Jensen ignored my feeble attempts to wave him off. His arm was warm and secure around my back.
“What’s wrong with her?” Mike demanded with a frown.
“Okay, Sparky.” Jensen murmured softly, as he led me to my bedroom. He guided me towards my bed, and moved quickly towards the bathroom. I could hear the sounds of water being turned on.
“I have a little chest cold.” I wheezed at Mike, when he paused in the doorway of my bedroom.
“You have a severe case of bronchitis.” Jensen bit out as he emerged from the bathroom, closing the door behind him.
“I just, um, came to give you crap for standing me up Saturday night.” Mike looked uncomfortable.
“Standing you up?” I scowled at him. I had no memory of even making a date with Mike.
“I mentioned I was going to be at the Karaoke bar, and that you should maybe come along.” he muttered, watching as Jensen shook out my prescription.
“I told you that I probably wasn’t coming,” I breathed, trying to keep it light.
“She was in the Emergency Room,” Jensen informed him harshly. His lips were drawn into a tight line. For once, I couldn’t read the expression in his eyes.
“Shit, Olivia,” Mike gasped. “Are you alright?”
“I will be,” I panted. “I’ll have to catch the act another time.“ And coughed weakly.
“Yeah,’ Mike watched Jensen moving around my room. Jensen had a closed off expression on his face. Mike’s gaze flickered to my unmade bed.
“Mike?” I coughed.
“Yeah,” he seemed to shake his thoughts off. “I’ll catch you on the flipside, Liv,” he cupped my cheek, but I noticed he was looking at Jensen when he kissed my forehead. “Take care of our girl, Ackles,” he smirked at him, and strolled out of the room.
There is a tense silence as the front door closed.
“I’m sorry we woke you up.” I offered, hesitantly.
“Don’t worry about it.” his tone short and brisk. His face was a carefully blank mask, except for the tick in his jaw.
“Jensen?”
“Don’t let all the steam out.’ he told me, and stepped out of my room.
I finally slid off my bed to make my way towards the bathroom, and quietly closed the door. Like a coward I hid in my room for the rest of the night, confused by the mixed signals I was getting from Jensen.
Between them, the guys worked out a schedule. Jensen took Bryce to school in the mornings. He came home, made sure that I did my breathing treatment and took my medications, before crashing in my spare bedroom.
Jared picked Bryce up in the afternoon. He brought home any odds and ends that we needed. Then they both helped with dinner and any homework issues before they left for the set.
The impending issue of the strike made both of the guys tense. Poor Jared worried. He worried that he wouldn’t have a job. He worried about how he was going to pay his mortgage. He worried about Sandy in LA. He worried so much that Sandy took some time off to be with Jared in Chicago, and to spend time with him in Vancouver. She made plans to stay with Jared until they went into hiatus.
Jensen worried too, but in a different manner. Where Jared willingly talked about what bothered him, Jensen held it all in, until he was wound so tight I thought that he was going to explode. It seemed Jensen wasn’t used to sharing his worries. That made me sad for some reason.
My son? His major worry was how he was going to get to go
trick or treating. With both of the guys working, and me laid up in bed, we didn’t have a single person free to take him.
“Sweetie, I can get you a huge bag of candy and we’ll stay at home and watch monster movies all night.” I tried, as we talked about it over dinner.
“It’s not the same.” he sulked, and pushed his food around his plate.
“Well,” Jensen started hesitantly. “What if you came to work with us?” He offered hesitantly. Jensen was still unsure of his welcome with me at times, and was cautious in offering any suggestions, in case I shot him down.
“That’d be cool,” Jared grinned enthusiastically. “The girls in make-up can give you a kick ass monster face.”
“Language.” I scolded him.
“Sorry.” Jared ducked his head sheepishly.
“You could look around in the props van,” Jensen nodded as he warmed to the idea. “You’ll actually be on a horror show set on Halloween.”
“Okay, now I AM jealous,” I huffed. “But I’m not sure…”
“Please?” My son begged, and turned pleading eyes on me that would have rivaled Sam’s. Who was sitting across the table from my son with the exact same plea written all over his face.
“Well, Kim has asked when you are going to make it down to the set again.” Jared told me around full cheeks.
“I’ll have to bake him some more raspberry cheesecake torts.” I smiled.
“He loved those,” Jensen grinned. “Craft services tried to make them…”
“But they weren’t the same.” Jared chimed in.
“They were pretty awful,” Jensen grinned. “So can he come?” This time Jensen threw in his own version of the puppy dog eyes, and I caved like a wet dishtowel. Who needs a backbone?
Thus it was decided Bryce got to go to the set with them and skip school
the next day. What I wasn’t expecting was to open my eyes the following morning and see a zombie version of my son.
I couldn’t help the yelp that tore through my throat, or the mad scramble backwards and off the bed. The bright flash barely registered as I sucked in my breath and coughed, as I tried to remember how to breathe.
Jared and Jensen stood in the doorway laughing their heads off. Then I noticed that Jensen was holding his camera.
“Paybacks are… Well you know, Sparky.” he grinned.
“Son of a…” I growled.
“Language!” Jared admonished me.
“Mom, you should have seen your face.” my traitorous son cackled.
I was going to take a page out of the Marines hand book and just kill them all, and let god sort it out.
“So wait,” Leanne sounded confused. “Wait. You’re telling me that you let that man apologize, and now everything’s hunky dory?
“Leanne!” Lisa spoke up.
“Man, Liv,” she groaned in frustration. “He’s not good for you!”
“How can you say that?” I gasped.
“Because he hurt you once,” she barked, her concern very real in her voice. “Chicks before dicks, isn’t that our motto?”
“No, not really,” Lisa spoke up calmly. “Besides Liv can’t duck every crappy thing that gets thrown at her.”
“Yeah, but he lied.” Leanne protested.
“And she choose to forgive him,” Lisa snapped out. “Now honey, does he make you happy?”
“Usually,” I told them hesitantly. Feeling bad that I’d caused an argument in the first place.
“Usually?” Leanne asked.
“I… We… It’s…” Shit! How did I tell them that I wanted him, but he didn’t seem to want me anymore?
“Take a deep breath and let it out,” Leanne instructed much calmer. “You know we won’t get mad.”
“You were ready to tie his balls in a knot ten seconds ago.” I gaped in disbelief.
“That’s different,” she laughed a little. “He messed with my sister and I saw red. Pissed at him? Yes. Pissed at you? No.”
So I told them about the second kiss and endured the squeal of excitement from Lisa.
“God, that’s so romantic.” she sighed happily.
“Yeah, romantic. Right until I nearly coughed up a lung,” I groused.
“Shut your cake hole,” she mocked. “I’m living vicariously here!”
“That makes the two of us at this point,” I grumbled. “I wouldn’t be so worried about it, except there’s been nothing since. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Not even a peck on the cheek.”
“Maybe he’s waiting until you’re better,” Leanne offered. “Be patient.”
“Patient my ass,” Lisa crowed. “Have you made a move?”
“Me? No!” I could feel the heat in my cheeks.
“Well, grab the bull by the horns,” Lisa crowed. “Carpe diem and all that other stuff!”
“Seduce him,” I frowned. “It just seems…”
“Well, maybe he’s waiting to see if you’re ready for what he’s UP for?” Leanne suggested.
“Oh God.” I groaned. I loved my sisters, but there were days when I could just kill them!
Seduce Jensen. The seduction of Jensen… Jensen actually naked…. This time... It all sounded a hell of a lot easier than it was.
I went to see my doctor on Friday. The bronchitis was still thick in my chest, but it wasn’t as bad as it had been. He made small changes to my prescriptions, and gave me the all clear to go back to work that following Monday, much to my relief. I also had him add birth control to my prescriptions, since my last check up had been a few months before and everything had been clear. Be prepared was my new motto.
I made a quick stop by my office and picked up any work, which needed my attention, and then headed to the pharmacy. I headed home in a great mood.
Which disappeared the minute I walked through the door. I wasn’t expecting to walk into my house and be faced with a pissed off Jensen.
“Where have you been?’ he fought to keep his tone even and smooth, but I could see the fury in his eyes.
“I saw my doctor,” I shrugged out of my coat and gestured towards the stuff I’d dropped on the table. “And picked up a few things.”
“Your doctor.” he muttered in disbelief. If it hadn’t been for the look of panic in his eyes I would have thrown him out of my house. “A fucking note would have been nice. You could have mentioned it before I went to work,” he ranted. “You could have been lying in the gutter someplace.”
His hands were fisted on the marble counter in front of him as he struggled to rein back his temper. I calmly walked into my kitchen and pulled the post-it note off the coffee maker. I dropped it in front of him, walked into my bedroom, and quietly closed the door. Seduce him… Yeah right. I was liable to take my caste iron skillet to his head.
I paced my room for all of 2 minutes before I jerked my door open ready to read him the riot act. How dare he be so demanding? So controlling? He stood on the other side of my door with his hand raised, ready to knock. We glanced away from each other. He looked so sheepish standing there.
“Liv,” he started to say, before I fisted my fingers in his tee shirt and shoved him down on my neatly made bed.
“Hush up, Jensen,” I growled at him. “You had no right to freak out like that.”
“I know. I’m…” he stared at the floor between his feet.
“You had no right to take that tone with me either,” I snapped.
“I didn’t…” he tried again to get a word in edge wise.
“I think we need to set a few ground rules,” I bit out. “I think we’re are both adults who don’t need to answer to each other for every move, right?”
“Right, but…”
“I also think we can agree that you are not my father,” I snapped. “Who, by the way, wouldn’t dream of demanding to know my every move.”
He just nodded his head. I sat next to him on the bed close enough that our shoulders touched.
“I can’t…” I whispered softly. “I won’t be controlled. Maybe it’s me. My own issues,” my breath caught.
Memories of Rick in high school filled my head. He’d wanted to know every move I made and who I was with. It got so bad that he punched a girlfriend’s boyfriend because he thought he was trying to hook up with me. Rick was the reason I went to NYU, just to get away from him.
“I want you here because you want to be here. I’ll tell you where I am going, or if I’ve made plans out of courtesy and respect, but never because I’m relinquishing my control,” I licked my lips and pressed forward. “I’d expect and demand the same from you. Courtesy and respect, but I don’t want to control you. I don’t own you,” I stared for a moment at my dresser in front of us. “I’m sorry for speaking to you like that. I had no right telling you to hush up.”
He reached over and threaded his fingers through mine.
“Liv,” he waited until I looked at him. Then he leaned over and lightly kissed me. “I’m sorry for being an ass. I’d literally just woken up, saw your bed made, and you were nowhere to be found. I freaked.”
“I don’t need an explanation.” I told him softly.
“Yes, you do. You deserve one, because it wasn’t right,” the corner of his mouth curled a little. “Maybe that’s MY issues talking. You’ve been so sick, and it scared me.”
“Okay.” I said, and leaned over to kiss his stubbled cheek.
“Okay?” he sounded surprised.
“Yeah,” I shrugged with a teasing glint in my eyes. “You were an ass, and I graciously forgave you.”
“Really…?” he drawled out.
“Yeah. What were you expecting, lashes with wet noodles?”
“Kinky! Is there something that you’re trying to tell me?” He teased.
“Yeah. You didn’t kiss me hello or goodbye all week.” I blurted out, and trembled on the inside. I was scared to death that after a week of me being sick he was just turned off.
“What did your doctor say?” he asked, and his gaze settled on my mouth.
“I still have some congestion. He gave me something new, and I’m to finish the antibiotics,” I suddenly realized that Jensen was easing me down on my side. “But I can go back to work on Monday,” I finished, a little breathlessly, which had nothing to do with the bronchitis.
He leaned in and kissed me. It was a lazy kind of kiss that sent sparks dancing down my spine. His teeth nibbled at my bottom lip before his tongue stroked wetly inside my mouth. He pulled back just enough to whisper ‘hi’, against my skin.
He started to press me into mattress again, and then rolled over onto his back in a sudden move. I gave a startled gasp against his lips. I found myself straddling his slender hips.
“Is this okay?” a faint shadow of worry colored his eyes.
“Yeah.” I leaned away to run my hands over his shirt-covered chest.
“You sure this is alright?” a frown line appeared in his forehead. “Because…”
I lightly traced his frown line until it smoothed out. “Stop worrying, Cookie.”
His lips curled at the nickname.
His hands rubbed my denim-covered thighs.
“You really don’t look good blue, Sparky.”
I could feel myself frowning down at him.
“When Bryce couldn’t,” his voice drifted off. “Your lips were blue and you were
gasping for air.” He brushed his thumb against my sensitive bottom lip. “Scared the shit out of me.” I lightly bit down on the sensitive pad before sucking it into my mouth. “Shit!” he cursed, and bucked upwards slightly.
“I’m okay,” I assured him. “Well, mostly okay.” I pressed back with my ass to grind lightly against his hardening cock. His hands cupped my hips guiding me the way he wanted.
I leaned in and nuzzled his throat. Breathed in his fresh clean scent and tasted the salt of his skin.
“I want to taste you all over,” I purred against his skin, and listened as his breathing hitched, his hands tightening reflexively on my hips.
I slipped my hands under his tee shirt and enjoyed the smooth skin I found. He lifted up enough for me to slip his shirt off. His hands reached for the edge of my shirt but I wrapped my hands around his wrists.
“Oh no, Cookie,” I murmured in a husky voice I almost didn’t recognize. “This is all for me.”
“Come on, Sparky,’ he groaned when I teased first one nipple then the other with my lips, tongue, and teeth. “Shit, Liv.” he gasped.
I leaned back and ground against his hard on, enjoying the way he bucked against me. My hands slipped to the chopsticks that I’d used to tie my hair back. I welcomed the silken fall, because of the way his eyes lit up.
“Jesus, that’s sexy.”
I rubbed my cheek against his chest nibbling my way down to his belly button. My fingers played with the ginger happy trail I found. His scent got warmer, more musky. I nuzzled his stomach, thoroughly enjoying myself when I rolled my eyes up to meet his. I gave him a wicked smirk and mouthed his cock through his PJ bottoms. He was already seeping sticky wetness through the material, his hips bucking reflexively.
“I did say I wanted to taste you all over.” I reminded him in a low and throaty voice. My fingers curled around the edges of his bottoms, ready to pull them down, when a sound caught my attention. I cocked my head and listened. “Shit! They’re home.” I flushed bright red and scrambled off him.
“No, they’re…” Jensen started to deny. We both froze and listened as Jared and Bryce came into the house, trying to make as little noise as possible.
Jensen scrambled for his tee shirt cursing under his breath while I tried to smooth my hair back down.
I headed out into the living room to cut Jared and Bryce off so that Jensen could get back to his room.
“Hey guys,” I called out, catching my son in a hug. My son buried his face against my stomach.
“Hey you’re up,” Jared grinned at me from where he was putting milk and creamer in the fridge. “You running a fever again?” he asked, taking in my flushed cheeks and stepping closer to press his hand against my forehead.
“No,’ I swatted his paw away with a laugh. “Hey baby, how was school?” I asked my son.
“We have to move.’ he informed me in a shaky voice.
I glanced at Jared with a faint frown as he cocked his head at my son in surprise.
“Why do you have to move?” Jensen asked as he strolled into the living room.
I bit my lip, and blushed even harder when I realized that his tee shirt was inside out and backwards. Jared glanced at his friend before turning shocked eyes in my direction. I could almost feel his gaze going to my loose hair, swollen mouth, and flushed cheeks. I was more than ready for the floor to open up just as soon as I dealt with my son’s crisis.
“Because I have a stupid part in a stupid play, and I have to wear a stupid costume.” my son huffed.
Jensen pulled back, his eyebrows rising in shock.
“Okay, sweetie. First off, there are a ton of other words equally descriptive other than stupid,” I frowned at him. “Secondly, why don’t you want to do the school play?” I gave my son a gentle shove towards the couch so we could talk.
He nibbled on his lip before turning pleading eyes on me.
“Because I have to be a star. The Christmas Star,” he huffed. “And it’s huge. There’s like a ton of things I have to say in front of people,” he groused. “And I have to wear the star costume, and everyone will think I look stupid.” he looked at us with pleading eyes.
“Did your teacher just give you this part?” I asked cautiously.
“No,” he pouted. “We were reading the play in class, THEN she said I had to do it.”
“Are you just nervous about being in front of people?” Jared asked cautiously.
Bryce gave a one-shoulder shrug.
“That’s not an answer, son,” I chastised lightly.
“Yeah. Yes, sort of,” he still wouldn’t really look at any of us.
Jensen cleared his throat briefly. “I was nervous the first time I did a play.” he tried to reassure him.
Bryce glanced at him skeptically. “You were?” Disbelief clearly colored his voice.
“Yeah,” Jensen assured him. “But I learned not to be nervous. I mean, I still get nervous, but I don’t let that stop me.”
“Yeah,” Jared agreed softly. “I threw up my first play.”
My son’s eyes got wide.
“So not helping, dude,” Jensen muttered under his breath.
“Well, I mean I threw up before I went on stage,” Jared tried to cover. My son’s eyes got wider. “Then it was okay.”
“And Jensen did a play just this summer,” I picked up. “And he had a lot of lines to learn.”
“You did?” Bryce asked skeptically.
“I sure did, and I was scared and nervous.” Jensen told him.
“But he did really great.” Jared assured him. Jensen flushed slightly under the praise.
“See.” I patted my son’s knee.
“Let’s see what you’ve got.” Jensen asked.
Bryce pulled a crumpled stack of photocopied pages out of his backpack and handed them to Jensen.
“My part’s in yellow.” he muttered with a deep flush on his cheeks.
I leaned forward to see how bad it was. I was slightly startled to find that it was a substantial paragraph at the end of the play.
“Dude!” Jared exclaimed, and then grunted in pain when Jensen elbowed him sharply in the ribs.
“I’ll be more than happy to practice with you.” Jensen told him seriously.
“You will?” Bryce looked torn between hesitant and hopeful.
“Whenever you want.” Jensen smiled at him.
“I’ll help too,” Jared offered. “You’ll be the best damn star ever.” he told him enthusiastically.”
“See, now you have professional actors to help you learn your part,” I grinned at him. “Now go change your shirt. We’re going out to dinner to celebrate!”
“Thanks, Jared.” and my son tumbled into his arms for a hug.
“It’s cool, little dude,” Jared flashed a bright smile and big dimples.
“Promise to help?” Bryce asked Jensen.
“Promise.” he assured him and received an armful of enthusiastic little boy.
We watched as Bryce took his things to the bedroom.
“It’s not very big.” Jared frowned at the pages. In reality it was just a paragraph.
“But to Bryce it’s huge,” I told them. “Thank you for helping him out. I really appreciate it, guys.”
“No problem Liv.” Jared leaned down so I could kiss his cheek.
I turned to Jensen and deliberately kissed him on the mouth. Jared snickered next to us.
“What?” I frowned at him.
“I see now how his tee shirt ended up inside out and backwards.” Jared tugged at the tag.
“Shit.” Jensen flushed.
“Well, go get cleaned up,” I urged him. “I’m taking my guys out to dinner.”
“Your guys?” Jared teased.
“Sure,” I nodded. “Part of my life. Part of my son’s life. Part of our home,” I shrugged and went to make some coffee for Jensen. “Makes you my guys.”
I loved the faint flush to the back of Jensen’s neck as he headed down the hallway.
“I have warm fuzzy’s,” Jared teased, following me into the kitchen.
“I will still kick your ass,” I bantered back.
“Can you kick that high?” he pondered the question.
“Maybe not, but I have a ladder in the garage, Pipsqueak,” I flashed a grin at him.
