*michelle sends me a song*

Kimmuh (3:53:38 PM): eek
Michelle (3:53:44 PM): calm down.
Michelle (3:53:47 PM): i love it.
Kimmuh (3:53:51 PM): hahahah
ICEANGEL3911 (3:53:54 PM): :]
Kimmuh (3:53:58 PM): aight
Kimmuh (3:54:04 PM): tht means itll probably grow on me in like a week
Michelle (3:54:07 PM): yep.
Michelle (3:54:09 PM): hahaha
Michelle (3:54:10 PM): <33


Today my soc teacher mentioned M. Scott Peck in class, which made me VERY happy because I love that book and I love soc class. I want to go to office hours & discuss it. but I have to come up with some questions or ideas or something. OH m. scott, I just wikipediaed you... RIP.

I've written a few more poems lately. I love when people ask me to write poems for them, as it forces me to write... it's more of a difficult process than it used to be so I give up easily without a concrete motivation. for this reason I'm thinking of taking ethnic writing next semester. I want more creative writing assignments. (arg so ironic) it just makes me feel like a failure when I can't come up with shit on the spot. I used to be against even EDITING.
but, things have changed and I must re-adjust.
also it's just plain nice for someone to want this from you, something you so love to create. work work work work work
they are getting much longer, too. too much to say. this is another issue. work work work.

I also wrote one about myself being a GODDESS...

On that note. aab thinking I'm conceited.
this thought rocked my mindset for a second.
I AM conceited but i have never ever oriented my attitudes with this in mind... because of insecurity etc. it took me awhile to realize the problem isnt one of self worth. it took me til now to realize that i'm a little full of myself. i think of this as a negative trait & never wanted to outwardly have it. but some time ago i thought to myself, i've lived my life with this frustrating allpowerful timidness, fuck it, i'm going to let my ego go, because this trying to keep it under tabs isn't helping anything. that's the only time i've ever thought about it that way. the fact that i write in here so much. vain. the fact that i often focus on my good traits these days. it's whatever. I think he's conceited too. he won't admit so. people will psychologize you and never allow you to do so to them. it makes sense i suppose (we know ourselves better than anyone else. & probably care more than anyone else, as well.)
on the other hand i am insulted because conceited implies that I see myself as better than I really am. so he thinks im not so great? or just that my ego is out of control? (it's really not?... i love so many people and so many things and so many situations. not just myself.) when i say this about him, i mean that his ego is out of control. i think he's great, but also VERY flawed, & i expect others to be humble. which, i guess, is silly especially coming from me. when i was little i used to imagine myself as a female warrior. i used to narrate my life in my head. SHE STEPPED NOBLY OVER THE TELEPHONE CORD. you know. i think it's fun to play goddess. i think everyone should do so.
I don't really mind that he thinks this because i'm glad he's being honest-- it's put some healthy perspective on me. ugh, now i'm all confused. for kicks here is my goddess poem


I am a sacred holy goddess
I worship myself from head to toe
this is not to say I don't blemish my surface sometimes,
but deep my marble sacrilege remains.

the velvet fuzz upon my lips
cures dragons of their demon souls
blood runs through my system without obstacle,
and everyone unconscious breath is a miracle.

they bow down to me, other goddesses
and I bow down to them.
our crystal joints wear and rust with the effort;
in our old age,
the soft indications of our hips begin to crumble.

but my wrinkles cause sunshowers
storms in a zombie's mind
the sun makes love to my skin like she was young again,
angels see me smiling in their sleep
not a bone broken, brain a mystery to all entities other than itself,
heart the strongest muscle and the biggest hero.
fingernails grow like claws;
tongue tricks and brows arching like rainbows.
a rather human specimen,
I am a sacred holy goddess.
I worship myself from head to toe
and I am not the only one.


does it make me conceited if i use "I" a lot?
if i try to make the most of my good qualities?
if i like myself sometimes simply cause i'm human, i'm animal, & i have a brain?
if i doubt myself a LOT, does that factor into my ego?
if before one was on the extreme low side of the equation, is it OK to call your peach fuzz or your masculine happy trail a blessing? would it be anyway? why are masculine traits more valued in this society (soc soc again) yet girls cannot have masculine physical traits except in special contexts?
why is it that i'm really only conceited in a solitary environment OR with people im pretty comfortable with?! it's not that i hide it consciously. i hide consciously. but i dont hide with you. not anymore. because you love me. you told me that our early days were the best of yr life & that's how i know. is it conceited that i believe you now?
I'm a lot more confident (by which i think i mean, conceited-- cause i've never been much confident but that's a whole other thought) now than ive ever been-- but i'm also happier. for me, the two completely go together. that's self esteem for you. the terms are all jumbled up, especially after soc class. but the point is, I feel happy = I like myself, I like life, I like other people. I feel sad, one or more of the latter become negative. it used to be the first 2. now sometimes it's not.
i had a hella egotistical dad, & a very very insecure mother so... i don't know. can i break this pattern? i feel a lot more down to earth and rational these days as well. low self esteem is just bad news. crying for attention. too scared to ask. unentitled. i don't miss being 13. not at all.
fuck doubt, people change, they change their minds, theyre picky, theyre emotional, fuck them, who needs to cater to that shit. ar bit rar y.
i also think that a lot of people have "hidden" "conceitedness". i don't see it as a bad thing for them... it's just a normal function of being a human being i feel. it's when the insecurity (trying to hide ego but it's still there) or low self esteem (makin ego feel shitty and failurey) that people start to annoy me, or when they are full of themselves in a way that seems artificial to me-- impressing others! or, if it limits their view.
overall though. it feels positive, & also really really amusing.
now that i think about it, i see this in other shy girls fairly often.
but it annoys me in them.
be big, i say. you have the bigness inside you, clearly. just let it out, assholes! make it look easy!
it's complicated i suppose. i dont even know what im talking about anymore.

thinking is so hard. all these concepts, must take them one at a time but theyre a) huge and b) dont occur in isolation EVER.
I'd like to figure this out so I can you know go through life with a new conviction on egos.



umm
here's another poem






"UM"

I. silence

there is a threshold

someday it will be easy

take nothing for granted
& say what you mean.

you worsen my headache.
turn the lights off.
these times we can burrow in the moment,
wrap it around ourselves
words are pathetic
when I can feel your skin

your breath on my ear
could say anything and it would mean
"i love you"

(so don't say
anything,
they'll never find us here.)

II. silence

there was never enough room
for two, in those damn cocoons.
single-use fragility
(who engineered that thing, anyway?)
the worst sound was
the shell softly cracking
slowly, you, emerging
the worst sound was silence.
day poured in.

a feeble explorer at best,
who put me here?
it's a long walk from now.

(but you won't say
anything.
I'll never find you there)

if we could build new habitats
One for you in me. One for me in you
if we could at these times hide there
and if we had the nerve to take care
of each other

we might live to see
the threshold on the horizon.

III. threshold

there's something in the threshold.

when you say "Hello" the utterance,
the thing it means nothing

but it flies through the air (which is one threshold)
into your ear (there's another) and through your brain
(which is at least five thousand
thresholds on its own.)

and time, it's too fast
our Hellos run nobly, hopelessly behind.
your thoughts far ahead
by the time your words come out
let alone the time I respond--

They speak
of a group of mystics,
that lived in ancient times.

(this country has an aversion to silence.
"um" means "I'm thinking; I'm not done with this speech yet"
the lights buzz.)
sometimes
the most honest thing to say is nothing;
but if you'll meet me there,
I worship the threshold.
our very own.

IV. a secret

I hate the part of you
that you tuck away
like a glacier

but you know.
you know,

you know.
I love your secrets.








K bye