Chapter Twenty

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

I’m afraid to look at the screen. I know who it is. With shaking hands I pick up my phone and open it. I’m afraid I won’t be able to speak, I can barely breathe, but somehow I manage.

“H-hello?” I ask.

“Zac?” Johnnie’s voice comes through the phone.

And it’s been so long since I’ve heard his voice that I forgot how beautiful it was. It’s so deep and strong, always. And sexy. Damnit!

“Hi” I say meekly.

“Is something up?” He asks me and he sounds quite confused.

“Um” My brain is frozen.

I can’t do this. I can’t think. I don’t know what to say.

“Zac?”

“Sorry. Um. Uh.. I was talking to Kayla… she… um… she.. said she ran into you.” I sound like such a god damn fool.

I hate that he has this affect on me, because really, he shouldn’t. What happened with him is long in the past. It shouldn’t still affect me. I should be long over it. I should be able to talk to him like a normal human being, as if he’s just another person. But he isn’t, he’s my ex, and I can not deny that. He’s the man that I once loved with all my heart. He’s the man that took that same heart, full of love, and smashed it into a zillion tiny jagged pieces as if it meant nothing to him. The pain was still etched deep down in my heart, but so were the good emotions, it was a complete stew of feelings. Some good, some bad. Mostly bad. And they were making me a nervous, pathetic wreck.

“Oh, yeah, I saw her the other day. I went by your house and you were gone. Where are you? Are you home now?” He asks me.

His voice is totally calm. He’s cool as a cucumber. He always is. Nothing phases him. Breaking my heart never phased him. Not one bit. Neither does talking to me now.

“I’m actually on the road with  a band.” I tell him.
“Oh, really? Cool.” He says calmly.

What the hell does he want? I wish I could just get to the point of asking. Or you know, he could just start talking, start explaining.

“K-Kayla told me that you wanted to talk to me?” I ask him nervously. Moment of truth right here.

“I did… I mean, I do.” He says quietly.

“What’s up, Johnnie?” I ask him curiously.

“Well, Zac. This would be easier in person, you know.” He chuckles quietly.

I don’t really get what is so funny, but Johnnie is one of those people that laughs to calm their nerves. So maybe he is a little bit nervous. Maybe. I’d like him to be. Can we at least pretend together, that he is? Okay.

“Sorry” I offer.

“It’s okay. I just… I’ve been thinking about you lately.”

What! He has? I was right. Maybe he did miss me. And he should. He let a good guy get away. Okay, easy there, Mr. Confident. I just feel smug that he does miss me, because I spent so long missing him.

“Oh?”

“Yes…. I regret what happened, Zac.” He says quietly. He sounds sad.

“Oh..” My voice is barely above a whisper and I’m sure it sounds close to cracking, because it is.

“Yeah..” He sighs heavily. “I… was stupid Zac, really stupid.”

“Yeah.. you were. You really hurt me.” I tell him as strongly as I can.

“I was dumb, Zac… I don’t know why I even did it.”

“I don’t know either” I’m being stronger then I thought I would be.

“Do you think maybe….” His voice trails off, he doesn’t want to say the rest.

“ZAC!!”  Someone is calling my name.

I stick my head out of my bunk and look for the source. Taylor. Big surprise.

“Look... John, I gotta go. I’m sorry. My boss is calling me. “ I tell him quickly and I know it sounds like I’m wimping out on him, but Taylor will kill me if I don’t see what’s up.

“Okay… call me sometime?” He asks me and his voice is hopeful.

“Sure” I agree. And maybe I will.

“Okay… bye Zac… I miss you…” He sounds really upset and I feel awful for ditching him.

“Bye Johnnie”  I hang up the phone quickly so that I can’t change my mind.

``Zac`` Taylor is in front of my bunk now, looking anxious

``What`s up?`` I ask him, confused.

``Can you help me with something in the kitchen?`` He asks me.

``Sure`` I agree, but I`m feeling pretty confused, and frankly, helping Taylor is the last thing I want to do right now.