a.k.a. Transformers 2: Electric Boogaloo
a.k.a. Transformers 2: The DaVinci Spark
a.k.a. Transformers 2: There Won't Be A Transformers 3

I just watched a 2 and a half hour toy commercial. I can't believe I'm saying that, especially since critics said that about the 1986 film, but it's true!

Okay, Michael Bay, the song goes, "Autobots wage the battle to destroy the evil forces of the Decepticons". Note that the song does NOT say anything about GI Joe. Stop putting stupid jar head Marines in my robot movie! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!!!

Look, I'm Michael Bay. Ooolmph! I'm sucking on US Military cock. Oorrmph! I love me some US soldier penis! Glorp! Yeah, shoot that hot load into my mouth. Omph!

Okay, seriously! This movie started well enough. Even though the stupid Marines were still there, the Autobots were doing most of the ass-kicking. I thought that maybe Michael Bay had read my blog and learned his lesson from the first movie, which is that the robots are the stars. I really should have known better.

For a while, it seemed as though this movie was actually going to be about robots. Sure, I expected Sam to be featured heavily throughout the movie, but that's always been the one exception. In this movie, you got to see robots from the start and pretty much throughout the entire movie. Yeah! Fucking yeah! About fucking time!

Again, I should really have known better.

So the first thing wrong with this movie is that we have two ghetto robots, named Skids and Mudflap. I'm not joking. They were the token "black guy" robots throughout the entire movie. Michael Bay must have checked out "How To Write For Stereotypical Black Characters" by Marlon Wayans from the local library, because I swear that I must have heard every single bling-bling ghetto trash-talk phrase ever over the 2.5 hours I suffered through this movie. Oh, and one of them even had a gold tooth. In the immortal words of Dave Berry, I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP!

And let's talk about the faces. Okay, there is actually too much articulation going on here. I said this last time, but the faces don't even register as faces to me. I can't tell who is who, aside from Bumblebee, Prime, and maybe Ironhide. During the climactic battle, I must have seen five or six different robots bite the big one that all looked like Megatron to me.

Actually, there is one Decepticon who has a face I can recognize, and that would be Wheelie, the little toy truck character who changes sides halfway through the film for no apparent reason. Remember these words should you go see this film: Wheelie has Steve Buscemi 's face. You think that's a joke, but it's not. You will see Wheelie in the movie, and you'll say out loud, "Hot damn! Neil was right! That's Steve Buscemi as a robot!" From his beady little eyes to his nasty teeth, it's Steve Buscemi. In fact, I was convinced that Wheelie was voiced by Steve Buscemi, but it's actually Tom Kenny. Heh...

You know what else is wrong with this movie? It's every bad summer movie rolled into one. You've got the disaster flick. You've got your bullet-time Matrix bullshit. Check. You've got the chick flick romance pukefest. Check. You've got the prophecy-driven Tom Hanks shitfest. Mother fucking CHECK!

So, Michael Bay saw Nation Treasure and DaVinci code and said, "I can do this... BUT WITH ROBOTS!!!" So Sam had inherited the wisdom of the Allspark, which had given him clues in the form of weird Cybertronian writings. So half the movie is him going from location to location, trying to find someone who can help him decipher the meaning of the symbols. This lead to them finding John Turturro (God hates me), and then Jet Fire, who points them in the direction of Egypt along with some weird riddle about three wise men.

And yes, by this point in the movie, I knew exactly where they were going, and I was groaning the whole way. Yes, they're going to the pyramids. RRRAAAAARRRGGHHH!!!!!! WHY?!?!!??!?!?!?!

So, I bet you want to know why they're going to the pyramids. Well, it all has to do with this machine that's hidden inside one of the pyramids. You see, the Transformers had been to Earth before, and they were going to sacrifice the sun in order to produce Energon. That is, until they discovered that Earth was inhabited. The Fallen, the titular character, wanted to harvest the sun's energy anyway, and so all of the other Primes stopped him and gave their lives to seal away the doomsday machine inside of the pyramid.

God DAMN it! Can we stop making movies about how aliens made the pyramids?! GOD! I was so angry at this point, I wanted to punch an eight-year-old! Come here, kid! *SWOK!!!!*

Fucking prophecy-driven alien pyramid bullshit!

You want something that's actually a prophecy?! I got prophecy for you! Dreamworks and 7 Eleven have this cross promotion going called the Bumblebee Slurpee. Now, I know the name of the robot is Bumblebee, but you have to understand that this drink somehow went to market without one person speaking up and saying "You know, if there's one insect that is the bane of the Slurpee, it would be the bumblebee." AM I RIGHT?!? And that right there is what I call a bad omen. When you unite the Slurpee and the bumblebee, ruination can only follow.

And no, I don't mean Bruticus.

I rate this movie a fucking fail. Worse than the first one!

Fuck you, Michael Bay!!!! Fuck you!