i remember growing up with the music of the jackson 5 and off the wall. i remember wanting to watch the premier of the thriller video with the rest of the family when i was only 5 years old. my aunts letting me watch it (without my parents knowing) a few nights later, having nightmares and being scared shitless because of it. i remember getting the vinyls of thriller and bad as an easter present when i was 10, posters of you in my room. my family and i trying to get a glimpse of the bad tour, me on my dad's shoulder just happy being outside the venue in hockenheim.

i remember reading moonwalk in third class, lending it to one of my teachers. dressing up as michael jackson in white suite & white hat, imitating man in the mirror for the school carnival that year. going to the movies with my aunts, watching moonwalk and being in awe by the smooth criminal dance performance.

i remember listening to dangerous on my way to school, practicing the lyrics during school field trips (still knowing every single one by heart). seeing you in concert for the very first time during the dangerous world tour, having seats but just not being able to sit, screaming my lungs off when you flew over the crowd and appeared on stage, just fucking standing there, looking to the right with sunglasses on and the crowd going nuts over you just standing there. your head moving to the left, the crowd losing it all over again just because you moved. your. head.

i remember buying the vhs of the making of thriller, obsessing over the video & watching it over & over. imitating the beat it video in my room, on my desk, when i was 14. i remember the holidays in florida with my parents, wearing my dangerous-tour-shirt in the hotel, people talking to me because of it, wearing it to disney world, a little boy waiting with us in line for splash mountain pointing at me and yelling "michael jackson!". i remember the history album, they don't care about us & earth song being all over the radio and tv. seeing you live again. not wanting to go because it was summer and way too hot and i'd have preferred staying at the lake, swimming. but screaming my lungs out again the second you jumped on that stage. screaming back "i love you!". holding hands with my dad leaving the concert afterwards.

i remember watching the concert at madison square garden on tv to celebrate your 30 years on stage, crying happy tears seeing you reunited with your brothers and doing old jackson 5 songs & routines. up until this day, seeing you live with the jackson 5 would've been one of my biggest dreams.

i remember practically everyone of my music idols naming you as their influence and hero. knowing every single lyric to every single song. loving and rewatching every single video (except for black and white). i remember the oprah interview and feeling so utterly sorry and heartbroken for you. watching the tv documentary on your family and life, hating your father for every single fucking word he dared saying about you. i remember the allegations, the time in court, staying up late at night with my parents to watch the verdict live on cnn. celebrating every single "not guilty" with a "fuck yes!".

i remember the rumors about the london gigs, the excitement when these rumors turned into facts. buying tickets for the first time in my life without knowing who'd come along. going to work early two days in a row to make sure i was on a faster internet connection when the tickets went on sale at 8pm. i remember the butterflies and sheer joy when i finally had tickets for the first gig in january 2010, telling everyone who wanted to hear it or not that i'd gotten tickets for mjj's final tour ZOMG YAY!

i remember reading "Michael Jackson" in the trending topics on twitter last night. clicking, reading, not believing, playing it off as another publicity stund/media frenzy/hate rumor regarding the upcoming gigs in london. realizing something really happened, something bad. waiting, my heart beating, clicking through tmz, posts on ontd for updates. shivering all over the body while waiting for an official statement. reading the update that you'd passed away on tmz, still not willing to believe it until it was officially official. crying when the official confirmation finally came at 1:25am - when you had already been dead for two hours. zapping through the channel, catching whatever footage i could. i remember falling asleep & waking up to the news on cnn, realizing this was for real and crying again. i remember watching old footage on tv and the tears all over again. jermaine's official statement i could hardly watch, breaking my heart. switching to mtv just the very second man in the mirror started and crying and singing at the same time.

i remember bawling like a baby while listening to your legacy typing this up.

farewell, michael. you were a legend and a genius. a cult and a myth. to some, a freak. but what nobody could deny - incredibly talented. loveable, magical, legendary. bizarre, disturbed, lonely and utterly misunderstood. the love you gave and shared will always be remembered by those who loved you. and your music will live on forever. leave your demons behind and rest in peace.