I've posted about this before, but over the last 3 months since I started my new job, I've been having steadily increasing back pain. This was despite good posture, back exercises, etc. I looked into getting a new chair and my boss said he would but it just wasn't soon enough, because it seemed like the damage had already started. Every night after coming home it was worse, with numbness, tingling, and especially in my right leg, a lot of stiffness and swelling in both hips. Gross, I know. Anyway, finally my health insurance kicked in. Before we even had it processed we were already calling Blue Cross to see what my number was and where I could go for treatment. We got me to the doctor, he looked it over and said I need to not work for 2 weeks. We got appointment with the neurologist and it's next week.

I'm not happy about this, but I kind of saw it coming as soon as I started getting numbness. Damn you sciatic nerve *fist shakes*. It does hurt a lot, and I do regret that we didn't have the health coverage to get it treated faster. However, I think that we will be okay now. Here's why.

1. The B just got a job as a high school Chemistry teacher (giving me endless plot bunnies for chemistryisfun in the process) and we will have health insurance starting Sept. 1st no matter what happens to me and my job. He will be making a ton of money because he's working for a fancy schmancy sounding school and they pay excellent. THis will give me more freedom to leave my job if necessary.

2. B's best gal pal An is back in the US from Spain and she lives fairly near us. She was a physical therapist for 5 years and worked for a therapist who specialized in backs and sciatica. She offered help already.

3. I will not let this ruin my life the way I let it last time. So far Blue Cross is a lot better than Kaiser about time frame. In early 2003 I injured my back by doing nothing but stay at home, be depressed, eat too much, never exercise. I gained a lot of weight and lost a lot of strength. I went outside to do garden work sometimes and bent the wrong way. I lifted a lot of things around the house trying to feel like I was big and strong and helping my petite mom, whom I was living with at the time. I sat at the computer all day and night doing internet stuff because that was the only thing that I felt made me feel happy. The meds I was on did nothing for me and I (as is typical of people with emotional problems) didn't see it or understand it, so I didn't go to the doctor and say, "Hey, these aren't working for me, let's try something new."

These are all really unhealthy factors that added up on me. Once my back was so bad that I was having sharp pains and numbness, it took months for me to get my doctor to take me seriously, then another two months till there was an available appointment with a specialist, then another appointment with that guy because he didn't believe me (he was a jerk. I told him I had periodic numbness running down my leg, so he poked my leg with a pin and said, "you can feel this, you're fine." wtf?) and then when they decided I could get an MRI, I had to wait two months till they would have the machine, then once they confirmed that I had a herniated disc, another two months wait till I could have surgery. All in all, when it was all over I had spent a year without walking around, super drugged up, no contact with people other than doctors and my family, using a wheelchair.

This was 100% my fault, I think. If you need help and you *can* get it (we had Kaiser at the time) and you don't make the effort to take it, if you don't take care of your body and your soul and you mental emotional state, it WILL come back to bite you in the butt. I had to learn to walk all over again because my muscles atrophied. I never want to go through that much pain, laziness, drugs, any of that again as long as I live (not counting giving birth, which I may someday decide I want to do-- but that's a different story).

I strongly believe that I'm a different person now. I'm trying to put my life and relationships that I screwed up together again in little pieces. I'm more confident. I feel like other than occasional flareups my social anxiety is under control, and my depression too. I'm not crippled by my own feelings about myself anymore. I have many things that I want to do with my life and an actual idea of how to get there. I have drive. I want to make friends and live healthy. I don't even like junk food anymore. I do crave ice cream and Reese's peanut butter cups, but in very small doses. I don't sit down and eat a half a bag of chips or a whole pizza or anything like that. I don't drink 12 Pepsi's a day. I clean up after myself. I'm early to my appointments.

I'm sure this was way too much to tell you. Anyway.

4. I had already been thinking that I didn't like my job sitting at a computer all alone all day that much anyway. Thinking about my teaching job and how much fun it was to have all of those crazy, silly, nice, and even mean-- incredibly interesting people around, I would cry at night sometimes. I really really missed it. I hope-- and this is just me being sentimental perhaps-- but I hope that I can use this as motivation to get into a career that fits me and my heart and the person I am better. I would like to look at getting into teaching or interpreting or something related. Hopefully the B's job will let me have the freedom to get better, and then once I am better, get on the ball and find a better job.

I want a job that isn't sedentary, and that has more interaction with other people. I'm looking at teaching elementary school or elementary ESL, teaching English, art or Japanese in junior high or high school. I could get my credential for art or Japanese very quickly but it would be finding the job that would be the tough part. Teaching English, ESL, or elementary school will take me 2 years at the most for the credential and necessary units. My plan is to get better and then visit some schools in the area to see how it feels to be there and make sure I'm not jumping into a pool of crocodiles or something.

So. In the meantime, pain management is my goal. Faito! *waves flag*