Today is a real off day from what I have been used to over the past couple of weeks. In general, I have been feeling better about my life's direction. But, today, I feel back at square one, but not for the same reasons as before. I feel the anxiety building for a whole new reason, causing my tummy to rumble and upset, and my head to start aching. But, this reason feels as selfish to me as anything could. It is the lame "poor me" attitude which brings this reason to surface. I am realizing though that this really is a primary...roadblock...to becoming the mighty magpiper again. The reason is....

I... and it's so hard to word out properly...I think that I am far too naive and accepting for my own good. I am trying to rationalize this train of thought that I have... that I have given so much of myself in relationships with people and have always wound up incredibly hurt, and wondering "why?"

A couple of months ago, I have posted an entry regarding the "why". My simple explanation was that everyone is capable of being an asshole. But, it was the dutiful assholes that are able to justify being that way, and can justify how they treat others, and how they make others feel. I have known far too many of these in my lifetime.

I have reached a point where I can't help but internalize the treatment I have received by these people. The why has become personal, and incredibly destructive to the progress I feel I have made thus far. Internalizing all this is what I am left with, when my simple explanation a couple of months ago doesn't answer my questions, and doesn't provide me with resolution. The why has now become a more complicated question. The question has changed to, "What is so wrong with me, and what have I done that was so wrong to be treated the way that I have?"

This new question brings tears to my eyes, as it tears me apart for several reasons. I have always felt that I give all that I can to help the foundation of my relationships to grow. That I have always had an sympathetic ear to lend when needed. I have always offered my help, and financial resources, even when it might put me in a bind. I have given my time and energy. I have given loyalty, honesty, devotion, and treated others with the respect that I feel they deserve.

When such loyalty and devotion is carelessly taken advantage of, it leaves me so confused, and feeling so helpless. I feel that there was more that I could have or should have done. I feel that I could have prevented the hurt, by giving more, saying more (or less). That maybe I should have looked different, weighed less, or dressed to the nine more. There are a million different criticisms that I can give myself.

It becomes personal.

I feel ridiculous and naive for believing in the trust and faith I have in others. It almost makes me feel ashamed. Do I really have that much unconditional faith in others? Am I willing to give my trust so blindly to anyone, without question? And moreover, was I laughed at, mocked, or ridiculed by others when I did, and couldn't see what was happening? Was I thought to be an idiot? Was it thought that I didn't matter?

If I truly deserved what I got in the end, I would want to know why, and I would want to know what I did to provoke that kind of reaction. I am willing to accept fault for things that are my own doing, and I am always willing to apologize and make things right.

Ironically, I expect the same from others but, honestly, that returned courtesy is almost never seen. I would like to think I would deserve that courtesy... but, I don't know.

So, in essence, today I am feeling a bit sad about a lot of things, and trying to figure out the "why?" But, at the same time, I know I will still be as trusting, loyal, and devoted as I have always been. I don't think I could ever bring myself not to be. I don't know if that is a good or bad thing.

We will just have to see what the future holds.