Chapter 5

But I wanna die, I wanna cry,
I wanna tell you I was wrong.
Yeah, I wanna die, I wanna cry,
But it’s too late, so I soldier on
Just like a man.

“Ianto, you need to go home. You need to go back to Tom before you do something you’ll regret. Don’t make him feel the way I made you feel.” Jack’s voice was low and careful as he stopped himself from crying or taking Ianto downstairs, screw the consequences. This was the right thing to do and he knew Ianto would see the sense in his decision in the morning.

“Okay, you’re right.” Ianto made no move to leave though and neither did Jack, both pressed firmly against the wall, too lost in the other to move. Ianto couldn’t bring himself to lose that physical contact with Jack, scared that he’d lose it forever if he moved his hands. Jack made the decision for him again and broke away, moving behind his desk, facing the other way with his arms wrapped around himself.

Ianto frowned slightly at the strange stance but said nothing as he left the office, heading towards the door with a sense of foreboding. The emotions he felt for Jack, the emotions he’d tried so hard to lock away, had been released and there was no way to rein them in again. The buried truth surfaced and shone behind his eyes, beaten into his skull like a tattoo.

Ianto Jones was still in love with Captain Jack Harkness.

*

Back in his office, Jack was kneeling on the floor again, incapacitated by the aching hole in his chest, breathing with difficulty. He rocked forwards until his head was leaning on the floor and he let himself cry all of the tears which he'd held back.

He howled in pain and frustration for several long moments before the ache subdued enough for him to get up and climb into his desk chair, steadying himself and closing him eyes, willing away the lingering sensation of Ianto pressed to closely to him, the taste of his lips, the way his hands ran across his chest.

He gave himself a moment to enjoy the feelings that remained before he started to recall a list of inventory for the medical supplies inside the Hub. He finished the list about ten minutes later, finding nothing more than a dull throb in his chest and sore eyes from the crying.

He got out of his seat and headed back down to the autopsy bay, shrugging slightly as the increased temperature started to get uncomfortable. He dug around in the drawers of Owen’s cabinet of medication until he found the stronger pain killers, determined to make his headache go away once and for all. He popped four of the pills from the sleeve and carried them back up to his office, grabbing a bottle of water from his desk and the blanket on the chair before carrying everything down into his bunker.

He sat heavily on the bed, throwing the blanket behind him and sighing at the thumping pressure in his temples. Placing the pills carefully on the bed next to him, he twisted the lid open and pulled it off, tossing two of the pills in and swallowing them down with a quarter of the bottle. Taking a moment to close his eyes and feel the cool water run down his throat, he took the last two and finished the bottle before lying back on his bed, hands behind his head.

He closed his eyes and concentrated on his breathing, ignoring the now familiar sensation of acid eroding his insides.

*

Ianto arrived home after a taking the long route. He’d needed time to think, to clear his head and arrange his thoughts into some semblance of order. He opened the front door to the flat carefully, making as little noise as possible as he slipped inside and removed his trainers, kicking them onto the shoe stand behind the door.

He padded across the living room and down the corridor, into the bedroom, unconsciously holding his breath until he saw Tom still sleeping, in the exact same position as before. Ianto sighed quietly before flicking his eyes over to the clock on his bed side table, groaning inwardly as he read the bright red digits. ‘04:47’… he really had taken the long route home.

Sighing again, he pulled his clothes off and walked through to the en suite bathroom, tossing them in the wash basket before flicking the shower on and closing the door, trying to let Tom sleep a little longer. He didn’t have to work today, but he usually woke up to see Ianto off. The thought made a smile tug at the corners of his mouth as he stepped under the hot jet of water, allowing the heat to sooth away the tension that had gathered in his muscles.

Every time his mind trailed towards memories of Jack, he diverted it’s path and started thinking about other things. He settled of compiling a list of things he needed to buy; food, DVDs, new clothes… anything that he might possibly need.

He eventually managed to suppress the emotions that had risen mere hours earlier, no matter how temporarily, and climbed out of the shower, flicking the water off before reaching for a towel and wrapping it around his waist. He turned to face the mirror and tried not to dwell on the sight of the dark smudges under his eyes. Hopefully his lack of sleep wouldn’t be too apparent after his first cup of coffee.

Instead, he busied himself with applying shaving foam and carefully removing his morning stubble, feeling more awake by the minute. He brushed his teeth vigorously several times before he felt completely awake. He tried not to think that it was actually a redundant exercise as he hadn’t eaten breakfast yet. Ah well, I’ll just eat later on, when I get to work, he thought with a grimace.

When he walked through to the bedroom, he found Tom awake and watching him with a smile on his face. He’d obviously gotten up to turn the lights on for him, but he was now sprawled out across the bed again. Ianto smiled back at him and walked over, sitting on the edge of the mattress and leaning over to kiss him good morning.

The appreciative groan his received made him laugh lightly before he pulled back and started gathering his clothes for the day. He pulled on a clean pair of boxers and a clean undershirt before making his way over to the large wardrobe that covered an entire wall. He rifled through several shirts before settling on a dark red one, selecting a slightly darker tie and pulling them on.

Next, he retrieved a very dark grey suit and pulled the trousers on, leaving the jacket on the hanger for the time being. He returned to the bed and pulled on a pair of socks, surprised to find arms around his waist and a weight on his shoulder as soon as he’d finished.

“You going to be okay today?” The voice murmured, concern evident in the English accent.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. I’ve been through worse from Jack so a little flirting or shunning isn’t going to kill me.” He twisted his head round and caught Tom’s lips in another kiss, another flare of guilt surfacing through his fragile defences. “okay, I’ve got to go. I’ll try to be back on time, but I can’t make any promises… Who knows what the Rift will spit out today?”

Tom smile and kissed him once more for luck before pulling away and shoving him off the bed and towards the door. “Just don’t get yourself hurt, okay?”

“Okay.” Ianto grabbed his suit jacket and shrugged it on, turning at the doorway and catching his lover’s eyes for the briefest of moments, the guilt washing away to be replaced with a soft glow of affection. He nodded slightly before flicking the light off and pulling the door closed.

Taking a deep breath, he padded across the living room again and pulled on his work shoes and grabbed his coat, remembering the chilling cold of the outside from earlier that night. Trying not to remember anything else about what had transpired only hours ago, Ianto stepped out of the flat, slipping into his false exterior to face the day.

*

The dreams Jack had drifted through over the past hours did nothing to quell the uneasy feeling in his stomach. He checked the clock and groaned at the thought of having to face his team again. More to the point, he’d have to face Ianto in less than an hour.

He rolled out of bed and shuffled through to the bathroom attached to his bedroom. He had a hurried shower, running his hands through his hair several times as he looked in the mirror, remembering Ianto’s words: ‘You’re beautiful, Jack, did I ever tell you that?’. He felt his heart crack again and looked away, returning to his room to throw on some clean clothes, snapping his suspenders in place as more of a comfort than a necessity.

Standing at the foot of the ladder, he gripped one of the rungs tightly in both hands, breathing deeply several times to prepare himself. Come on, Jack, you can do this, it’s not hard. You’ve been through far worse than this, just get through today. You can break down again later… his mind encouraged, egging him on to get the day ahead over with. He took comfort in the fact that he was right; he could break down again afterwards.

Now was the time for false fronts and faked confidence. Now was the time to put his acting skills into practice again. He just hoped they were good enough to fool the others.