IANTO: Owen?
IANTO: Owen?
IANTO: Owen are you there? I need to talk to you.
OWEN: What’s up?
IANTO: Okay, I never thought I’d ever say this, but I need your help.
OWEN: What with? Fashion?
IANTO: No.
OWEN: I beg to differ.
IANTO: Owen!
OWEN: Okay, okay. Sorry. What is it that you want?
IANTO: It doesn’t matter. Forget I said anything.
OWEN: Ianto?
OWEN: Tell me.
OWEN: I’ll ask Jack.
IANTO: Okay, fine. I’ll tell you but you’ve got to promise not to tell anyone. I don’t want the whole world to know.
OWEN: I’m a symbol secrecy. I won’t tell a sole.
IANTO: Then can you stop copying and pasting what I’m saying and sending it to Tosh?
OWEN: How did you know that?
IANTO: I can see you on the CCTV.
OWEN: Oh yeah, I forgot about that.
OWEN: So what’s the problem?
OWEN: It’s about sex isn’t it?
OWEN: Well, you’ve come to the right person. I’m an expert.
OWEN: Well, I’ve never had any complaints.
OWEN: Well except once, but that wasn’t really my fault. I was stressed, I’d had a lot to drink… it happens to all men.
OWEN: Anyway, sorry, what were you saying?
IANTO: Thank you for sharing.
OWEN: What’s your problem?
IANTO: Okay, well, I was with Jack last night…
OWEN: Hmmm, I’m not sure I want to know now.
IANTO: Fine.
OWEN: No, no, I’m sorry, mate. Go ahead. You were with Jack, and…
IANTO: My mother shows up.
OWEN: And…?
IANTO: She has a spare key to my flat.
OWEN: Still not seeing a problem, apart from the fact that you gave your mum a key to your flat. Idiot.
IANTO: She asked for one. She wouldn’t shut up until I gave her one.
OWEN: So what’s the problem. She catch you and Jack at it?
IANTO: …
OWEN: OMG! She did, didn’t she?
OWEN: HaHaHaHaHa!
IANTO: Owen, stop laughing this isn’t funny.
IANTO: Seriously, stop laughing, people will come over and ask what you’re looking at.
IANTO: OWEN!!!
OWEN: Sorry. So what happened?
IANTO: Well, use your imagination. But the bottom line is, what the hell do I do?
OWEN: Nothing. So your mum caught you at it. Big deal.
IANTO: It is a big deal. For a start she didn’t know about Jack.
OWEN: So she walked in on you ‘in the closet’?
IANTO: In a manner of speaking.
IANTO: And it wasn’t in the closet. It was up against the closet.
OWEN: Pass me the sick bucket.
IANTO: Owen!
OWEN: Well what you telling me for? What can I do about it.
IANTO: You’re the master of making up fake excuses. I’ve read your expense reports. And just so you know, I don’t believe that aliens held you against your will and made you buy alcohol or they’d destroy the Earth.
OWEN: HaHa yeah! That was a good one.
IANTO: Well, Jack and my mam arranged a night out and a meal in a restaurant. That can’t happen. I need a good excuse.
OWEN: Why? I thought you and Jack were more than just ‘buddies’. He should meet your parents.
IANTO: Not helping.
OWEN: Say you’re sick.
IANTO: Original. Besides, Jack knows when I’m sick.
OWEN: I can back you up. I am a doctor, you know.
IANTO: Then my mam will come to my flat and force feed me chicken soup.
OWEN: Yum. We could tell your mother I’m sick, and she can make me soup?
IANTO: Still not helping. I can’t believe I involved you in this. I must have been having a moment of insanity.
OWEN: Look, what you do is tell Jack that your mother cancelled then tell your mum that Jack cancelled. Simple.
IANTO: That is a good idea. Should I be alarmed by how devious that is?
OWEN: I’m a genius.
IANTO: Okay, I think I’ll do that.
OWEN: And there’s a pint in it for me to keep my mouth shut?
IANTO: Yes.
OWEN: Good man.
JACK: Is there a pint in it for me too if I keep my mouth shut?
IANTO: Fuck.
IANTO has left the conversation.
OWEN: HaHa! That was too much fun.
JACK: So, about that expense report.
OWEN: Fuck.
OWEN: Aliens made me do it.
OWEN has left the conversation.
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