Since when is Nickelback allowed to be deep?
Anyways, yes, I am alive. I figure I will be, for a good while still. I am definately down, but not superdown, at least not yet. No actual thoughts of hurting myself. So yay.
That said, I am very self critical right now. My actions don't make me happy. Nor does my body. I have a very low self image at the moment. Pretty much entirely antithetical to how I've been since moving out here. I don't want to join a team, because I don't want a bunch of real girls to feel uncomfortable with the big tranny hanging around. I don't want to host a game of WW or D&D because I feel I would fail at it. I already proved to myself earlier in an instance in WoW that Ican fail, now it is kinda sticking with me.
I went to the mall today with Steve to get cat food and people food. Because we were there and kinda stinging from the instance, I decided to go looking for the Nightmare Before Christmas on DVD. We checked 6 or so stores and nobody had it. However, I did go into Millenium, which is a goth/punk store. Alot of stuff I can never wear, but there is some I could pull off. But there was a girl there (one of the clerks) with really blue hair. I asked how she got it. She told me they sell hair dye and bleaching kits and stuff so I can do it myself. I asked a couple of questions. She and the other clerk kept looking at me funny (or at least, thats what I thought). I feel like such an idiot. I had a very small amount of stubble (fuck I hate my face) but nothing noticable in that light. And I apparently smelled a little bit, according to Steve. But the whole thing made me feel so stupid. I don't even know for sure if they were looking at me. I guess being depressed does that.
Little bit of vindication - we did manage to do the instance a bit later (like, half an hour ago). So that was good.
I sorta feel sick inside right now, too much chugging down Crystal Light, I think.
And I really need to go back to sleep. I woke up at 11ish this morning and was already tired. Spent most of the day wishing I still worked at Shaw so I had access to coffee. And this was after dreaming I was biking around an imaginary Calgary (I've been in that place in my dreams before, I don't know what its about, I think its halfway between Calgary and Burnaby).
My mind is failing me now. I need to go sleep. I just wanted to record that yes, I am alive. And yes, I will try to remain so.
And sleep on my damp, but cat-pee-free, sheets.
Bleeerrr....