By the fall of 1999 we had become thoroughly convinced that sodomy-threatening Disney CEO Michael Dammann Eisner, perhaps the sickest fuck in the history of corporate America, is the Antichrist.

"If I can make a million dollars by fucking Donald DeLine, then fuck Donald DeLine," he once said of his top executive at Touchstone Pictures.

For real.

Then, on September 18, the Los Angeles Times reported that Eisner's Disney was establishing an Israel exhibit at EPCOT Center but had caved in to pressure from Arab nations and decided not to designate Jerusalem as its capital. With Israel included in his portfolio of countries at EPCOT, it was fair to say that Eisner, King of the Magic Kingdom, was also, metaphorically speaking, King of the Jews. That same day the LA Times also reported that the executive responsible for all of Disney's Internet business was arrested for soliciting sex with a 13-year-old girl over the Internet.

Before his sermon the following day Pastor Meenan, who was born and raised in Ireland, reminded us of his millennial trip to Israel. We knew instantly we must go. There was a crime to solve..."Is Michael Eisner the Antichrist?"...and we knew this mystery would not be resolved without a pilgrimage to the Holy Land.

We signed up for the trip. Then, an interesting development: we learned that of the 14 pilgrims, three of them were Dammanns.

It couldn't be Michael Eisner's Dammanns...could it???

We pondered this coincidence aloud to our sister, who replied: "Dammann: that 'Damn man.'"

To our knowledge, this was the first time our sister had ever solved an anagram. She is not into word games, but she does have a tattoo of a shamrock above her ankle.

Friday, January 7, the seventh day of this Millennium, was our most memorable day in Israel. We traveled to Megiddo, site of Armageddon. We were hoping to get special insight about the Antichrist at Armageddon, because the two go hand in hand you know. Besides, Michael Eisner launched Armageddon onto the world 18 months earlier to great box office...big numbers.

That morning we awoke at the Grand Beach Hotel in Tel Aviv. As had become our custom, we purchased the International Herald Tribune before boarding the bus.



Then the coincidence: en route to Armageddon, we turned the page and found ourselves staring at Michael Eisner's head:



We read that because Disney did not reach its financial targets Michael got no bonus for 1999. He did, however, take home over $50 million between his salary and stock options. The year before he took home $589 million, making him the highest paid executive in America. That was the year he launched Armageddon. Not bad for an Antichrist.

After reading the article we folded it up and slipped it in the pages of our green bible.

When we arrived at Megiddo Joe Dammann got off the bus first and videotaped all of us as we disembarked. He would later use this footage in the credits to his film "Israel 2000." He had just graduated from film school. Throughout the trip his father called him Cecil B. DeDammann. We made sure that when we got off the bus at Armageddon Cecil B. DeDammann captured us on tape holding up Michael Eisner's head.

The Prize.

The Antichrist.

Megiddo was an isolated patch of land in the middle of what seemed like nothing worth fighting over. No residences. No businesses. It was hard to imagine that on this little parcel the battle to end all battles will be fought.

That's when Pastor Meenan cracked the code of Armageddon for us:

"It's a metaphor."

We thought of Michael Eisner's head tucked safely on our bible. We said a prayer quietly, to ourself:

"Dear Jesus, I have come to Armageddon to deliver to you the head of Michael Eisner, candidate for Antichrist. Let thy will be done."

That night, back in the hotel, the Dammanns occupied a couch in the lobby. Mrs. Dammann, mother of Joe, the filmmaker who captured us on tape at Armageddon with the captured Antichrist, said, "Would you mind if I gave you some unsolicited advice?"

"No, not at all," we replied.

"Write about your anger," she said. "I think it will be good for you."

She would become known to us as the Oracle of Tel Aviv.

"I am happy you said that," we replied, "because Michael Eisner is my Goliath, I am his David, and my pen is my slingshot."

Four months after we returned from Israel our family insisted we see a psychiatrist. After several sessions he put us on a small dose of lithium for the first time. All we had said was:

"You don't understand. I really do believe that Michael Eisner is the Antichrist."