Part 1 of the guide focused on writing your first email to the woman you're interested in. This part could be appropriately titled, "So I emailed her, now what?" The answer is generally "don't do anything at all", unless an external event (such as her responding!) occurs.

Online Dating How-To Guide, Part 2: So you emailed her, now what?
After carefully crafting your initial email to a woman you're interested in online, the next step is how to follow up. There are four basic categories of response you might get to your email:

(a) Enthusiastic response
If she responds to your email, and seems invested in the conversation, congratulations! She may be returning your interest. This is more likely if she both responds to your questions, and continues the flow (by asking her own questions, or expanding the topics discussed.) Continue in the same vein. If things seem to be proceeding well, feel free to ask for a date, which is outside the scope of Part 2 (I'm not sure if I'm going to bother writing a Part 3, since most of the ways guys screw up are already covered.)

Example of an enthusiastic response:
Fixed wing, or rotary? One of my friends worked for a sub for (aerospace company) doing embedded work for an unmanned helicopter there.

Right now I'm working on (details of job removed). (My company) (more details of job). (Engineering shop talk ensues.)

As far as what I do in my free time, I've been taking scuba classes -- I'm trying to line everything up for rescue diving, so I've got a CPR class scheduled the weekend after next. I've also got Krav Maga classes starting tomorrow, and I'm getting back into homebrewing. Today I'm starting an English brown ale, if I can figure out where to cook it (my stove doesn't have enough overhead clearance for the massive brew kettle.)

Cheers,
-K

Diagnosis: Note that I ask questions about his work, give details of my work, and go into detail about a question he asked (what I do in my free time, apparently.) I don't ask as many leading questions as I should; this is a personality defect of mine (being self-absorbed, that is. I'm working on it.)


(b) Apathetic response
If she responds to your email by merely answering the questions you've asked, or you get a strong "I'm just answering the mail" vibe, you didn't necessarily do anything wrong, but she is probably not interested. Generally a response that is short, apathetic, or answers you in as few words as possible means that she isn't really enthused about continuing the conversation, but you haven't done anything to irritate her. Alternatively, this could mean that your introductory email wasn't very good, and gave her the impression that you were just idly curious about one topic in her profile, but don't particularly want to converse at length.

If you are still interested in the girl, you can try to keep the conversation limping along, and hope she will become interested in a branch of it later and begin type (a) communication. If you get any responses of type (c) or (d), cease contacting her. You're done. Sometimes (b) can be challenging to distinguish from (a), but the category will become more obvious if you exchange more emails.

Example of an apathetic response:
Well, I have been reading a little, even with the class. However, it's generally either been of immediate relevance (class reading, brewing books, etc.) or escapist science fiction/fantasy. I should start reading history again, and probably will once this class is over.

One of the sort of annoying things about the class is that, in addition to quiz/test scores, they grade on attendance - if you miss more than 3 classes you automatically fail. I'm a little tired of sitting through 4 hours of lecture covering exactly what was in the book... it'd be nice to be able to skip some of those.

Diagnosis: I answer his questions, don't ask any, and leave the conversation fairly closed.


(c) Actively disinterested response
Getting a reply from a woman saying that (for any, or no) reason, she's not interested, means just that. Sorry, but she's not interested. Don't convince yourself that if she says she's not interested for reason X, you can fix X, or that you can convince her that X isn't such a big deal. It will just make you look desperate, and annoy her. "But I can change!" is not going to inspire any emotion other than pity. "But clearly you don't understand that X is no big deal..." is going to inspire rage. It implies that you know more about her reasons for disliking X than she does, and since you can't have more information than she does, that basically implies you think she's stupid. Condescending to someone you're trying to chat up doesn't work well.

The only appropriate reply to a disinterested response is, at most, "Thank you for responding to let me know you're not interested. If you happen to change your mind, feel free to email me -- I won't contact you again." Opinions on the "Thanks for rejecting me" email vary. I personally like getting them, since it tells me two things: He doesn't hold a grudge/isn't sulking about it, and he won't contact me again with a "But whyyyyy???" nagging email. If whatever circumstance caused me to be disinterested changed, or I for whatever reason decided to reconsider later, the response would tell me that I could possibly email him and get a favorable result.

If she states a reason that she is disinterested in you, and it is specific, the "Thanks for rejecting me" email is fairly pointless. She is unlikely to change her mind on the disqualifying characteristic. Replying is only appropriate if the rejection was generic, or if she claimed personal circumstances that make her unavailable (being very busy, just started dating someone, etc.) If she claims personal circumstances, respond once at most to let her know she can contact you when she wishes. Do not keep pinging her to check to see if she is now available. If she becomes available and is interested, she will contact you. If you keep pestering her, you will completely destroy any shot you had.

You will also be the topic of substantial mockery to her friends. Believe me, I have used the phrase "viscerally unattracted" to someone after he kept pestering me, and now all my friends know about it. Pretending that you want to continue the conversation "just so you understand her view" is not going to trick her into thinking you are interested in gaining understanding of the diversity of human thought.

Example of a disinterested chain (actually this is full of fail for its own, obvious reasons):
Him: Totally random question: If you were to respond to one of the three intros below, which one would it be?
1. Hey there, nice profile (you probably get that all the time). Anyway, write me back or IM me on AIM at XYZ.
--XX

2. Hey there, I'm an architect living and working in the city. Write me back or IM me on AIM at XYZ.
--XX

3. Hey there, nice profile. Write me back or IM me on AIM at XYZ.
--XX

Me: None of the above, since anybody worth talking to would probably at least put the effort into writing a multiple (more than two) sentence email asking about some interest I talked about, an interest they have which they share, or something similar. This offers more conversational gambits than a generic statement of interest, which looks too much like a form letter.

Him: thanks for the response, but which of these form letters is best?

Me: You'd have to ask somebody who would respond to any of them, since I wouldn't.
Cheers,
-K

Diagnosis: Wow, asking a woman you don't know her opinion on form letters and which is more likely to work on other women... that's special. Also, note the utter lack of effort in the samples. I've read fortune cookies that give a better simulation of being personalized.

A more standard disinterested response:
Well, I don't play any CCGs; I just play board and card games like Arkham Horror, Ticket to Ride, Game of Thrones, etc. It'll probably be a while before I get back into gaming, though -- I'm currently all tied up with unpacking and getting settled in.
-K

Diagnosis: I'm willing to talk to you, but I'm busy.


(d) No response
According to my male acquaintances who use dating websites, this is the most common result of an introductory email.

No response means that she is not interested. She did not lose your email. The cat did not walk on the keyboard and delete it right before she replied. She isn't interested. Ideally, she would send you an email to let you know, but in this case she didn't. Don't contact her again.

What NOT to do in the event of no response:
May I help fill a gap in your schedule?
You seem pretty darn fascinating and I do love board games. It seems clear that we are on the same page when it comes to monogomy and I must admit that I find you attractive. How about dinner and a board game? If you feel like throwing caution to the wind and meeting with me, I suspect we would both enjoy it
- Person X

Diagnosis: Okay, so far he hasn't pissed me off. I'm not interested, and I'm not really sure what convinced him we were "on the same page" when it comes to non-monogamy. The only indications in my profile was that I was listed as "Available" and that in my long list of books I read, I included "The Myth of Monogamy". I also listed tons of science fiction, engineering, and light history books, but apparently he doesn't care about any of those. I don't really show any signs of being a Political Poly, because I'm not. We are sufficiently different in who we are and what we are looking for, that I don't bother replying. I generally do reply to people with well-written emails that don't commit one of the mortal sins (for example, looking like generic spam), but I didn't with this guy. It would make me feel more guilty if he hadn't... well, let's move on to the train wreck.

80% Match, 80% Friend, 4% Enemy
I must say hi again, knowing that it would appear we would get along quite well. Plus, I happen to think you are very attractive.
- Person X

Diagnosis: Failure. Do not email somebody again if they didn't respond. Trust me, they didn't lose your email, they just decided not to respond to you. Stop it, you're embarrassing yourself. Additionally, "We're perfect for each other, I think you're pretty" is a pretty poor opening gambit. No attempts at opening conversation was made in either of these emails, just "I think you're pretty and I like some stuff you like, let's get it on." No, thank you.

80% Match, 83% Friend, 4% Enemy
Are these stats misleading or might we actually get along splendidly? You are very attractive and seemingly very compatible. Please let me know what you think.
xoxoxo
Person X

Diagnosis: A third email from him, when I hadn't responded once. Smell the desperation. Again, no mention of any interest in me as a person, really. Ending in xoxoxo is so out there I'm not even going to discuss what's bad about it. Sadly, the third email spurred me to write an "Apparently you don't get that I'm not interested" reply. Mea culpa; I probably should have kept ignoring him.

This thread actually continues for a while; if you are on my friendslist, you can see more of the train-wreckiness. It's not really relevant to this article, so I'm leaving it out.