By Nicholas Deroose

“The number you have dialed is currently unavailable, at the tone please leave a voice message.”

Beep.

David paused over the receiver wondering if he should leave a message. He had texted his date earlier but didn’t get a response and he did not want to come off as too pushy or desperate by leaving a voicemail but neither did he like being left hanging. He lifted his cigarette to his lips and took another long drag, the white stick burning in his inhalation and turning ashen before falling to the ground. Pondering for while, feeling the resistance of his pride before deciding: “O what the heck, what else have I got to lose?”

“Hey, its David here, I was wondering if we’re still on for tonight. Give me a call back. Ciao.”

He ended the call and threw his phone aside blowing out a swirling cloud of smoke that lingered in front of him before vanishing into the darkness of his apartment. A pale half moon hung in the cloudless night sky casting a faint light onto his balcony, illuminating a solitary deck chair that reached towards him with its shadows. Deciding not to wallow in the stench of cigarette smoke anymore, he got up from his couch and slid open the glass door separating his living room and the balcony.

Immediately, as he cracked open the door, a cool breeze rushed over him, bringing a brief sense of relief, lifting some of the tension he felt in his shoulders. He inhaled one more, this time a little deeper, in an attempt to purge some of the toxins in his body. Staring at the city’s skyline, he watched as the multitude of lights twinkled from their fixtures like a thousand fallen stars boxed in concrete prisons.

Up here, away from the chaos, the city looks so peaceful. The scenery exudes a clam is carried by the wind and soothes the tired soul. A sigh escapes his lips as his eyes wander over the landscape, peering into the lights, each flicker a sign of activity, a hope away from his solitude and darkness.

David walked up to the ledge, his palms pressed against the railings cool to his touch. He is probably not going to call back, he thought to himself. He wondered whether moving back to the city was the right thing to do. It probably wasn’t the best thing but it was the easiest thing at that time. He had spent so many years living within the hustle and bustle, that it pace was beginning to wear him down. So, when they decided to move to the suburbs, it was a welcome relief for him. But now he’s back here again. It’s funny how our ability to agree on certain things is easier than our ability to articulate their reasons.

A familiar ache was slowly welling up in his chest, a dull pain that latched itself around his heart like a chain refusing to leave and slowly squeezing his center from within suffocating him out one tug at a time. The breeze had turned into a chill and he wrapped his arms around his shirt to try to warm himself. David bit his lower lip, his body clenched and tried to compose himself, trying to fight back what he already knew was going to happen.

How does one begin again after so long?

David closed his eyes and inhaled once more, this time blowing out an imaginary trail of smoke through his pursed lips. For a moment, the lights of the city fade out and the darkness consumes him as he is revisited by the scene once more.

“So are you saying that this is it?”

He is back at their house again, sitting on their bed, in their room, in their home. David looked up to his partner who is sitting on the edge of a chair in the corner across the room. The wallpaper is ivory with pale stripes that the compliments the chestnut furniture. There is a large cupboard on the right and a dressing table on the left cluttered with various perfumes and creams and a portrait of both of them at the beach. Their faces happy and sun-washed.

“It’s just that we have grown apart and I think that it is best that we move on.” His voice is steady and without hesitation, his arms resting on his knees and expression placid and forward. His eyes cold and dead.

David rubbed his hands together stretching the tired tanned skin over his knuckles and back again. He looked down at them and saw the years staring back at him. The years that he had spent with Louis, the years that he had kept himself faithful, the years that he spent trying to look youthful, the years that had now crept to a halt. 15 years.

“Do you not find me attractive anymore? Doesn’t the time we’ve spent together count for something?”

David turned his gaze to the corner, his eyes searching for an answer, a reason, a sign, anything, anything but the frozen look that was casted in return. David rubbed his skin even harder, trying to stretch and force his lines away.

Where does the all good go? Where does all happiness and joy end up after it has ended? Doesn’t time spent deserved to be weighed not only by its faults but also by its merits?

David lifted his hand to cast away a tear that had escaped, brushing against the creases in his face. His fingers paused at his temple as he began to trace a line down his cheek, trailing every familiar mark. He used to have such smooth skin. That was what Louis would tell him. It was when they first met at the beach that he told him this. He remembers been mesmerized by his blonde hair that seems to catch the sun forming a halo around him and his board chest brunt red from hours in the sun.

He had just arrived from Vietnam less than a year ago to settle into a new job and decided to take a trip to the beach since it was a long weekend. Sitting down by himself on his beach towel, David stared at the roaring waves when suddenly he noticed a pair of feet beside him and when he looked up, it was Louis. He asked if he could sit with him for a while. He replied yes and when he did they started to chat. As the sun trailed across the sky, their bodies leaned in closer and closer till their shoulders began to brush against each other.

As evening approached and the beach umbrellas begin to close one by one, Louis asked if he would like to join him for dinner. Smitten, David replied yes and that evening the seed of their relationship was planted and soon blossomed over the next 15 years.

He thought that he could start over. These days with more gay bars than ever and the hundreds of gay websites out there, it should be easier right? We have so many more choices now. Doesn’t that make things better and easier for us?

David returned to the ledge once more. His gaze forward but unfocused, his head tired and tilted to the side. Up here, the silence can be deafening. A silent reverberation that ripples through the body and settles on your fingertips. David closes his eyes once more and leans forward to catch the breeze feeling it rush through his hair as he begins his descent.