Title: your hoodie acts as a sanctuary
Author: purple7parade ad zappy_zapp
Rating: NC-17
Pairing:Ryan/Spencer
POV: switches
Summary:Spencer and Ryan have been best friends for as long as they could remember, they’ve been a couple for the past two year, they only argue about major things such as the fact that Ryan wants kids and Spencer doesn’t. One horrific night later and they’re forced to make some life altering decision.
Author Notes: Please read the Warnings before reading this, as it deals with some sensitive issues. This is a joint fic by myself and the amazingly talented purple7parade. Comments are love so please leave one. Beta: Un-beta’d. If you want to beta for this fic please leave a comment.Disclaimer: Everything you read has never happened and never will. To my knowledge Ryan and Spencer aren’t in a real reletionship

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Spencer’s POV

As I anxiously follow the Doctor down various corridors, barely noticing that I’m passing room after room filled with women and men all of whom are distressed, fearing the loss of their baby or are dealing with the loss of the child that they never got to know, but all of whom have someone with them, a lover to hold them close and share the pain.
 
An unbelievable amount of guilt wracks my body, because Ryan didn’t have a lover to hold him close. He didn’t have a shoulder to cry on. He had no one to share the pain with, he suffered alone because of his selfish boyfriend. I quickly wipe away the stray tear that’s fallen as the I mumble my thanks to the Doctor as he opens the door, allowing me to see Ryan’s fragile body for the first time.
 
I silently seat myself in the chair that’s been placed at side of the bed. My eyes travel over the many machines, each of which have four or five wires attached to my Ry. My stomach gives an involuntary churn as I catch sight of the half empty bag of blood that’s steadily pumping through an IV in the back of Ryan’s slender hands. #

Before taking Ryan’s free hand in mine, I pull the chair closer to the bed and fold my legs underneath me, getting as close as possible to Ryan’s sleeping body. His skin is so pale it blends almost seamlessly against the starch white of the hospital sheets tucked tightly around his body, his face is blotchy the way it always goes when he‘s been crying for a long period of time. His little bump stands more prominent than ever, there’s a strap around his stomach presumably monitoring the baby.
 
He looks so weak, so fragile, so lifeless and I can’t help but blame myself.
 
While the seconds tick away on the clock, my mind subconsciously flickers with the memories of all the awful hurtful things that I have said to Ryan these last few months.
 
“Maybe sometime, way in the future” Those six words are what started this downward spiral, they were my way of lying to Ryan about wanting to have kids, it started the argument, which lead to me leaving Ryan alone, which allowed Brent to rape him. It was my selfishness that started all of this.
 
“You don‘t have to have this thing, you can put it up for adoption or even have an abortion” I said that to him right after he told me he was pregnant, I should have been there to support him instead I just added to his pain, I selfishly told the man I love to destroy the one thing he desperately wanted.
 
“It‘s me or your baby” What kind of human being am I? I told my own boyfriend, my best friend, my everything that he had to chose between the baby that he’s always dreamed of or the man who he loves.

I‘m nothing but a selfish man who doesn’t deserve the love Ryan gives me.
 
“Hmmmf” The small quiet grunt that comes from Ryan’s now waking body is enough to snap me from my thoughts. Nervously I tear my gaze away from Ryan’s stomach and for the first time since the night Brent attacked me I make eye contact with him.
 
“Oh god Ry…” I sigh relieved that he’s awake, so that I can now tell him everything that I need to tell him but now I can’t find the words, so I just sit in silence staring deep into Ryan’s familiar honey brown eyes.
 
“Spence, you‘ve been crying. Is the baby ok, What happened to me? The doctor tried to explain to me earlier but I didn‘t really understand…” I silence Ryan’s frantic rambling as I place a gentle finger to his lips. It’s only now do I realise that my face is littered with stray tears.
 
“Ry…I’m not really sure of all the medical terms but basically all the stress that you‘ve been under, caused a part of your... womb or something, to tear away which was the reason for the blood. But you lost so much blood so they had to give you a transfusion and some kind of medication to help stop…something I forget… But the baby should be fine you just have to be on bed rest for a while and you under no circumstances can be under any stress… which is why I’m here and I need you to listen to what I‘ve got to say…” I take a deep breath from my badly worded explanation, I’m sure I got half of what I said wrong but Ryan seems satisfied with my answer as he visibly relaxes before he motions for me to continue a hopeful look littering his face.
 
“So, I have no idea where to start, you're the one thats good with words, I just can't find the right ones that will describe just how badly I’ve been treating you… I’m sorry for all the times I’ve left you to cry, I’m sorry for all the times I’ve caused those tears, I’m sorry for all the times I’ve shouted and taken my anger and pain out on you… I know sorry doesn’t make up for what I’ve done, but I am truly sorry… for everything… I understand if you don’t want me to be a part of your life, I don’t deserve to be, I’ve caused you so much pain and nearly caused the loss of the baby, but I want… I want you to know that…' I stop, taking a deep breath before I continue 'I want this baby and that I don’t care whether it’s not biologically mine because I can and will love this baby like my own… I’m sorry that I won’t be able to change nappies or feed him or her but I’ll help in any way I can… that’s if you want me to… and I promise to go to physiotherapy I'll try and build back the feelings in my arm or at least to learn to cope with one arm… Most of all I promise that I’ll always talk to you about whatever I'm thinking… I’m s…” Ryan’s voice stops me from my apology which is probably a good thing because I’m not sure I’d have stopped other wise.
 
“Spencer, Stop, just stop…I hardly heard any of that but please...just stop apologising. None of this is your fault, yes I agree that you‘ve been a jerk but so have I. You have no idea how much I want you to be apart of this baby‘s life and to hear you say what you‘ve just said fills my heart with so much joy…” Ryan briefly stops as he carefully sits himself up, with his spare hand he takes my injured arm from the pocket of my hoodie and entwines our fingers before placing our clasped hands onto his bump.

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Ryan’s POV
 
“This is our baby. It always has been our baby, regardless of who‘s sperm helped to make them. You're this babys' daddy and they‘ll grow to love you almost as much as I do. As for the physiotherapy I think that‘s a really good idea and don‘t worry I will find a way for you change some nappies don’t think your getting away with it that easily... I love you so much Spencer, please promise me one more thing?” I ask giving his hand a small squeeze even though I know he can’t actually feel anything. I look directly in his glistening eyes as we speak.
 
“I love you too Ry, more than you know and I will never treat you the way I have done ever again. I will promise you absolutely anything.” I smile a little at Spencer’s words because eventhough it’s been so long since we’ve declared our love for each other it never fails to melt my heart.
 
“Promise me that you'll never blame yourself for any of this. Please don‘t argue or try to disagree, No one is to blame for this... if none of this had happened then I might never have gotten pregnant” I say keeping my voice stern and authoritative letting Spencer know that I mean every word that I say and that I don’t blame him for any of this so neither should he.
 
“Honestly' he replies 'I think a small part of me will always blame myself for this, but from now on I promise that will try my hardest to forget the bad things and concentrate on the future...So how are you handing the pregnancy? I've know I've missed so much, But I promise I‘ll be there for you every step of the way from now on. Has our baby been kicking yet?” Spencer asked, it’s obvious by his slight pause that he’s wanting to steer the conversation away from him blaming himself, but to be honest I‘m just so overwhelmed with the joy that we‘re talking again and that he’s asking me about OUR baby, that I don’t have the heart to start an argument about who’s to blame and who’s not to.
 
“The morning sickness has been a real bitch to me, thankfully over the last week it’s been easing but I still can’t stand the smell of coffee and my feet are starting to swell to like twice the size of what they should be, Brendon‘s been really great though, I seriously think he‘s in the wrong career he gives the best foot massages ever.” I laugh. “Come sit up here?” I ask, although it’s more of a demand than a question, but right now I really need feel Spencer close.
 
“I’m sorry Ry, I promise I will take better care of you now, although I’m not sure I’ll be any good with massages, so Brendon can keep that job. I’m sorry I’ve been such an asshole... I was just upset. I know I‘ve made so many promises but I'm gonna make sure that I  keep every one of them” Spencer sighed, as he carefully climbed onto the bed, his task being made harder by the mass of wires and the fact that he only has one working arm.
 
“How’s you arm? Is the scar starting to heal now?” I asked the man who‘s now safely positioned on the bed, holding me in his arm to the best of his ability, I can’t help but smile.
 
“Terrible. I can’t do anything with it! It just makes me feel so useless. What if i never can play drums again? You’ll have to find a replacement or it will be the end of Panic. What if I can never feed our baby? I certainly won‘t be able to hold him. What if our baby doesn‘t love me because I can‘t pick them up and comfort them? I‘d never be able to teach them how to ride a bike, or to swim, I‘ll never get the chance to show them how to play the drums, I might never be able to do all things a dad should do. You know... I can maybe learn to live without the drums, but I can‘t learn to live with not being able to hold you or our baby.” Spencer sighed, looking down at his arm in disgust, I slowly turned around being cautious of the IV in my arm. I slide my free arm around Spencer’s torso, giving a small squeeze as I take a deep breath willing the tears that are stinging the back of my eyes, not to fall.
 
“We will never get a replacement Spencer, do you really think we'd ever play without you? Do you think I‘d have the courage to stand on that stage, without you behind me?. I’ll not be able to play until well after the baby is born anyway, so we have more than enough time to get you recovered. Yes it‘s going to be hard work and it‘s going to take time and lots of patience but we‘ll get through it together. The doctors said that with some physiotherapy your arm could fully recover and you will play drums for our fans again.” I pause for a small second as I entwine our fingers.
 
“Of course you will be able to hold our baby Spin, even if your arm still isn’t fully functional, I can help you support him and like I said I will find a way for you to change nappies. As for me, your holding me now, right? And I’m more than satisfied right now. I love you Spencer, we’ll get through this together, we’ll adapt and change how we do things but I promise you that you will NEVER miss out on anything. It might take us longer to do something, it might not be conventional but we’ll manage and our baby will love you more than anything. You’re going to be a great dad Spence.” I choke out the last part as my silent tears take over, falling thick and fast. I hate that Spencer feels that way but I mean every word of what I just said.
 
“How can you love me like this? What if my arm never gets better, then I won’t be able to play ever again, you should look into a replacement, even if you don‘t want to right now, you need to have every option open. I love you so much, but maybe you should just give up on me. Find a boyfriend who can take better care of you and the baby. I don’t deserve you.” Spencer sniffed, I lifted my head from it‘s place on his chest so that I can look him directly in the eye.
 
“ Dont say that. Don’t ever and I mean ever say anything like that again. I meant every word I just said, I’ll never give up on you, I would never find a boyfriend who's as amazing as you. OUR baby could never have a dad better than you. I love you so much Spencer, I always have and I always will, just never say anything like you did just say again because you’re my soul mate Spencer and I can’t imagine life without you.” I said sternly, first wiping away Spencers' tears before doing the same to mine.
 
“Oh Ryan, what did I ever do to deserve you? Huh? I‘m sorry for saying that, I don‘t know what I‘d do without you in my life, sometimes my mouth just runs away with itself. How about from this moment on we only speak positively, but we always speak to each other about what we‘re thinking or feeling. Lets never let things get this bad again. You, mister, need to get some sleep, so I suggest you close those beautiful eyes and rest, so that you and our baby can go home soon” Spencer smiled, gently pulling me back into his body, my head fitting snugly in his neck and that‘s how I fall asleep moments later, I barely heard Spencers' whisper of ‘I love you’ before he placed a gentle kiss on my forehead.
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