Yesterday at dinner, my step-mom, 42, told us she has a crush on Shia LaBeouf, 22.

I have spent what I am sure is an unhealthy amount of time thinking about this. I can only begin to say how much this creeps me out.

What disturbs me the most is the prospect that we could both get off to Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull for such opposite reasons.


WHAT.

She tried to get Nolan and me to admit our "secret crushes." I stalled, trying to think of someone reasonable who was under 40 and not David Tennant. I was considering Christian Bale when she reminded me that I used to like Ewan McGregor. I said sure, I still like him. Nolan and dad managed to dodge the question unscathed.

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Today she asked Nolan and me why we thought dad might have married her. We assumed she was in this for the flattery, so we told her what a nice person she was, and how cheerful, and--gosh darnit--she always had something to talk about! It was on the tip of my tongue to give her a reality check and say that my dad only married her because after the divorce and my mom finally confronted him about all those years he cheated on her, he probably felt backed into a corner.

Anyway, after a couple minutes of uncomfortably complimenting her as she smiled on, she decided to "flip the question around" and ask why we though she had married our father. I drew a complete bank. I'm not sure why anyone would marry my father. He's a horrible husband.

However, it was one thing to think this, but another completely to insult him out loud. "IT CETAINLY WASN'T FOR HIS LOOKS! HAHA! ... Hope he didn't hear that! HAHA!" Now, I'm not here to argue that my dad isn't ugly or anything, but I still felt compelled to be on the defense. That whole nobody-insults-my-family-but-me thing, you know? And as far as I'm concerned, she's still an outsider.

So Nolan and I sat there awkwardly as she told us about how she thinks our dad is ~*~so~*~ intelligent and witty, and he gets along ~*~so~*~ well with her parents when it comes to politics and sports.

You know what? I never got why people were always so uptight about homosexuals getting married when there are plenty of straight idiots get married for the wrong reasons every day.