am I really that repulsive? why is it the only women who can seem to stand me anymore tend to be thousands of miles away? or are completely insane. or both. I can't seem to tell anyone anything with out the world coming down on me. am i really that fucked up? I mean fuck i knew last guys finished last, but come on can i at least FINISH! I really am fucking tired. I'm tired of the false bullshit that goes on now days. I'm tired of all this god damn self help bullshit. I'm tired of the word NORMAL. it suddenly became the second most said phrase to me today.

which now looks like this.

1. "you deserve better then me." this is a fucking cop out. and ironically is the most said thing to me by ex girlfriends. it also hurts worse then any other phrase. cause once they are uttered the words hold true. cause if your willing to give up that easy. i'm not the person for you.

2. "I just want someone who's 'normal'" then why couldn't you tell me that from the start.
instead of leading me on.
3. "ohhh THOMAS! I wish things were different so we can be together." FINE make them different. the world is malleable. change the fucker. or at least show effort, I've grown tired of changing the world by myself to bring things together. the last time almost killed me.

I'm done with games. I want real. I want romance, I want someone I can touch. no more long distance. no more crazy women {with in a sub set. a little crazy is fine. but if you talk to your breakfast cereal to get orders for the day, then hun, it is not going to work out}. and I'm not changing myself for anyone. I'm tired of people wanting me to change. I change all the fucking time anyway. trying to shape me to your mold just isn't going to work. it pisses me off to an extent that no one knows.

I will accept friends that want to help me out. I've never been on a blind date. or for that matter a normal "date" {dinner and movie style}. I so often feel like a third wheel now days that somedays I just don't want to leave my room.

so tell me. am I REALLY this repulsive? do I really make milk curdle and children cry just by looking at me?