Tags: transition eros sexuality i suck transsexuality
Published : 8 months, 2 weeks ago (Tue, 28 Oct 2008 22:14:02 PDT)
Searched: sexuality
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I'm growing hair on my chest. My sideburns are coming in.
I'm feeling pretty docile the last week or so. Maybe humbled by what I've taken on? By accepting the next couple decades of learning ahead of me to master a craft? Maybe deeper, too. This constant sense I've had that nothing really changes, and that we're just going through costume changes over the same deeper nakedness which changes so slowly that you'd feel the Earth turn sooner than catch your skin lightening into wings. (Or nano-tech-bionic-supersex-fiber-optic wings?) But then the constant source of dissonance in catching myself looking at myself and thinking, well, I am disallowed from that source of human eternity which is present in nudity.
But I think everyone feels this tension between the sheer strangeness of having a mind which charts our shifting features while constantly desiring the absolute present power of the body's nowness in sexuality? Am I wrong here? I don't know what it's like to be a normal person anymore. Whatever. Maybe that's why sexuality gets so damn strange? We bend great bridges with jeweler's hammers every time we feel that nowness slip into the inevitability of the past. Or maybe just that we try to bend everything towards that nowness and have to wade through the mud of the past. I don't know.
Maybe I'm just lonely.
Being touched, whenever it happens, shocks me. Smelling perfume is distracting. Shaking hands. I haven't been single this long since I was 19. I mean, more to say, I haven't not touched someone else in so long since then. My shyness eclipses everything. I wonder how that will change, mostly only thinking it will since everything changes, not really because I have some active source of hope. Lately I wonder constantly, what kind of people want me? Who are they, and how do I find them out, now that I pass for male so easily? |
