1. I haven't seen or heard from Boy Toy since I told him I couldn't meet last Monday. I don't expect to hear from him until the next time he's horny, at which point I will laugh at him. "I thought we were friends first" my ass.

2. evening with CS was a spectacular failure. Dinner was decent and conversation was okay, a little on the boring side. Then we get back here, and he's jumping down my throat like he's dying of thirst and there's a lake down there. We had fun in bed - he got me off (I was practically disinterested while it was going on) and then he failed to get off - twice. At which point he called it a night and left but he asked if he could call me next time he's in town. I said yes, but I don't think I'm gonna take that call.

3. PSG is back. I think anyone who isn't DEAD could've figured that out - except me. I was all "ok, time to get settled into not having him around, ban him from the old IM and quit reading his blog and quit to have contact with him beyond the bare minimum" when he cropped up today. OK, admittedly, I IMd him, I did have him on my 'appear always offline to this person' list. since we're just friends, no harm in talking, so we IMd and then it started getting 'involved.'

I basically said 'are you sure you want to do this?' and there was this whole 'well I've been thinking lately' thing. Suffice it to say, he found a way to justify his behavior to himself. I'm sure he was just thinking with his dick. But hey, his dick and the brain attached to it got turned on by his interaction with me, so what's not to like about that?

I did say, though, that if he thinks it might be weird for him, we should see one another in person alone before other people are around making things even weirder for him. He seemed really not into that idea. I don't get that. Maybe it's because we're really not friends, yet. But one of the things that makes people friends is intimacy, which we clearly have, and trust.

We talked about trust being one of his issues, as in 'this is weird to be doing this with someone who knows my friends, am I sure my secret's safe with him?' His reasons for not letting his friends know we did this and mine were probably different, but I counted on his reasons to keep him from saying anything, so I trusted him not to tell my secrets.

I can tell someone I'm trustworthy until I'm blue in the face - doesn't make them feel like they can trust me. Nobody can tell me who to trust, not even the people I trust, you know? Even if he wasn't sure he was ready to trust me (or anyone who knows his friends) with information like what he's into sexually, he already has trusted me, I already have that information, and I've already shown that I'm not going to reveal it to anyone.

No telling if that played a part in it or not, but he found a way to justify his actions to himself. And I found a way to say "look, we're gonna be careful with this and if it doesn't work, it doesn't work."