I was *supposed* to go to a party tonight that I think was going to be some kind of orgy. This couple I had a threesome with invited me. But I can't afford the gas to get there. So I email them that, and she calls to say she can give me a ride, but it'd have to be 4 hours before the party's supposed to start and I can stay over until the next day (read: I'd have to stay over until the next day). I really considered it - I mean, how often am I going to get a chance to do something like that?? But I wore myself out this week from staying up really late and stuff, and I was just too tired to go. Plus I had things to do at home and needed that 4 hours.

This evening I log in to IM and have 14 messages from the Boy Toy. The one I quit talking to because he was trying to tell me how to live my life (how concerned he was that I couldn't see what a big ol' slut PSG is and what high-risk behavior it was for me to sleep with him etc.) and what to write in this blog.

He starts out thinking I'm actually online and have asked him a question. I had said I wanted to ask him a question, 2 months ago when he last logged into IM.


Uhm, yeah.  Actually, I was just signing on to verify my IM address.
3:04

I haven't used this since last we spoke (was that back in May?  June?) and I was about to go through and delete all those accounts.
3:05

Although at the moment, I see that this one is attached to a yahoo account that I still use.  I don't know if I can delete just the IM or not.  
3:06

I don't see any such thing in the tool bar, at least.  I'm sorry, but don't let my searching around stop you from asking your question(s).
3:08

I'm not about to delete it this very second, after all.  And actually, it seems that I can't delete it at all.  I just don't have any need to use IM as a means of communication, though.  And I kind of don't like the way that it allows others to know when I'm on a computer.  The biggest reason I don't own a cell phone is I don't like being at the beck and call of everyone who has my number.  
3:09

Ah, but that was a source of friction between us, wasn't it.  I never meant for it to be.  I was simply unaware of the imbalance and I never took proper action to discuss that with you to seek a means of solving the problem.  
3:11

Or am I talking about the wrong thing?  I'm sorry, once again this is all one sided.  Please ask your question.  
3:11

ROTFLMAO and I am NOT kidding.  I did fall out of my seat when I realized I responded (at length, no less.  God I am too verbose.) to an IM that is older than old.  In fact, it's dated May 18th.  So that at least tells me that we were still talking as recently as then.  
3:13

And worse, now that I realized I got an IM from you that's months old, I don't think there is any way for me to unsend/delete all the other stuff I sent you.  
3:13

Well, I did just go check the email address that you use to use for me, and it's still clean as a whistle.  I'm going to delete that account the next time I check in.  I can't delete this IM account, but I'll never check it again.  
3:17

So now what?  I'm embarrassed, yet at the same time I feel an urge that I shouldn't be.  However, my face is still bright red.  I'm glad I'm home alone.  
3:18

I'm hoping to graduate in December, but there is a chance I might not. So, if bad news in my life is a source of joy to you- enjoy.    
3:23

Otherwise, that website I made is finally taking shape.  I suppose if you ever wanted to contact me, you could find me through there easy enough.  But if you don't, I understand.  I always thought of you as a friend first, but if my actions had matched my words, then I'm sure I wouldn't be stuck with such thorough silence between us.  For that, I apologize.  I do hope all is well with you.  And I think I'll leave it at that.  I won't even look for a means to unsend all this babble.  Sorry.


There are SO many problems with his comments I don't even know where to begin. And you KNOW the only reason he wants to talk to me is because he's horny. But he also basically said "I'm deleting all my accounts so you can't get hold of me." So he really didn't want any answers, I guess.

He managed to catch me on IM a few minutes ago. He said life is less than ideal, whatever that means, maybe he's referencing the school thing, I don't know. As I IM'd to PSG who was on at the same time, is there something in the air that's making all these guys come out of the woodwork lately? It's like the universe knew I was being abstinent and had been good so let's throw some temptation her way. Why is it the ones I shouldn't think about always make my heart race and my adrenaline pump? [I know why, it's temptation, but still.] And as predicted, he was looking to get laid. He was very complimentary, as he always was, and when I didn't think he was a two-faced liar it all seemed just this side of cheesy but sincere - now it just seems cheesy. And of course, problems with the girlfriend - they always have problems with the girlfriend or wife.

I wouldn't mind finding one who doesn't have a girlfriend or wife. Who I can stand. Who's good in bed. And generally a good person. And maybe not depressed or in some other way mentally ill.

I'm already censoring this in my mind because of my friends who are reading this, but you'll probably find out anyway so I'll just say it. Boy Toy is sneaking out of his house at 1 AM on a Sunday to come over here to talk to me. And by "talk" I mean "I expect there will be sex, because sex feels good and I like it and miss it and he's good in bed even if he did frustrate the hell out of me". We will see when he gets here. Aw hell, who am I kidding. He's horny, I'm horny, it's nearly 100% certain we will end up in bed. Or in the shower. Or on the sofa. Or...

I'm logging off now, so I can go be an idiot again. Hey, recognizing you have a problem is the first step on the road to recovery, right?