Ok. this is a silly post, but it was done and I can't be bothered to not put it up. You might enjoy it. I hope you do. We will post a special Halloween post up tomorrow for that wonderful day in the year which will feature as many of the characters (and more) if we can.

So read this until then :)

Present day:

H & S sit down to dinner.

S- Mm, my favourite!

H smiles warily and they begin eating.

S (pointing to the stuffed pepper)- this is really good.

H rolls her eyes and kisses his cheek- thank you, mon cheri. I’m glad you like it.

They continue to eat for a bit and then H clears her throat awkwardly.

H (like a child about to be caught doing something naughty)- So, the girls and I are going to a concert on Friday night…

S looks up suddenly, and intently, at H and H looks determinedly at her plate.

S (harshly)- Whose concert?

H bites her lip.

---- Flashback----

The gang finished school a month ago and thus H & S have not yet descended down their path of sex, drugs and rock n’ roll…

H and L emerge from H’s bedroom, giggling excitedly

H- Which pair did you wear?

J & S look up from where they are sitting on the front verandah, drinking butterbeer and talking to watch the made up girls, confused.

L (whispering and giggling uncontrollably): My black lacy ones.

They burst into more laughter and J gulps whilst S claps J on the back.

S- You’re finally going to become a man!

J bites his lip

J- Do you really think…. Maybe it’s not for that, maybe we misinterpreted it.

S shakes his head confidently and goes to respond but shuts up and gapes as H, who is wearing a mini skirt, bends over in the kitchen to pick up the ticket she dropped. He can see the hints of her red thong.

J- What?

S continues to stare and J goes to look. S, however, quickly grabs J’s head.

S (looking away, reluctantly)- That sight was for my eyes only.

J groans but then looks nervous again.

J- Do you really think tonight’s the night?

S shrugs and the boys look up as L and H come to the front door, their heels clicking on the wood of the porch.

H bends down and kisses S for a short while on the lips whilst L and J watch embarrassedly.

H (separating and walking off without a backward glance at a bothered S or weirded out J)- Bye boys.

L (going to hurry off after H)- Um, er… see you

She pecks J quickly on the lips before running as quickly as she can in the heels after H.

S slaps J who quickly calls out after L- Where are you going?

H groans and waits, looking annoyed.

L- A concert.

S stands up and looks at H accusingly.

S- You said you were going to dinner with the girls.

H- We are.

S- And how does dinner translate into concert?

H- What are you, my mum? Let’s go Lily.

S apparates directly in front of H and grabs hold of her arm lest she try apparating away.

S- So tell me, ma cherie, what’s going on?

H sighs impatiently.

H- We’re going to a concert after.

S- Why didn’t you tell me?

H- Why do you care?

S- Well (to J) no offence mate (back to H)- but I doubt James is a good shag.

H rolls her eyes and L snorts, making J become indignant.

J- Hey!

S (to L)- I’m sure he’d be wonderful with another girl. I happen to like only girls though.

L- Sure you do.

S- Are you implying something?

H clears her throat and S looks to her again.

S- What concert?

H (reddening)- Why?

S- I want to know.

H- but…

S- It’s a lie. Who is he?

H tugs at her hair and L starts laughing, enjoying the spectacle.

L (to J)- Sometimes I wonder why I even bother going out for entertainment. I should just come here and watch these two all day.

J smiles at L and they continue to watch.

H- Fine. We’re going to Julio Iglesias.

S- Who… what?

H (blushing)- He’s a singer. We’re going to his concert.

S considers H

S- Why are you blushing?

H- I’m not!

S- Are too!

H- Not

S- I’m coming

H & L (screeching)- NO!

J and S look at them suspiciously.

S- Why?

H- Because! This is MY night. I don’t come with you to your poker nights or your…

S- Too bad, so sad. I want to watch this ‘who’ guy too. Why, don’t you want me to go out with you?

L stares at H

L- He can’t come!

J- Why ever not? I’ll come too. We’ll all go out.

H & L look as though they’re about to cry

H- No!

L- You can’t

S (stubbornly)- Why not?

H- Because… because…

L (bursting out)- We have to look single!

This is followed by a deathly silence and then J & S say in unison

J & S- We’re definitely coming now.

*

L & H are sitting sullenly in their front row seats- each with their respective boyfriends sitting next to them and looking very protectively boyfriend-like so that no one else gets ideas about their girlfriends.

H- I want to hex you so badly right now…

S- That’s fine, love.

H- Don’t ever call me love again. I hate you.

L (to J)- Me too

J (yelping)- What?

L- We’re over. I’m breaking up with you.

H (with wide eyes, as though she has just had an epiphany)- Me too! Sirius, we’re over. Go take James with you now. I’ll pick up my stuff tomorrow… actually, you know what? Julio will buy me a new wardrobe anyway. (dreamily) I won’t need any of the stuff…

S looks offended at this comment and glares at Julio who comes on stage. H and L stand up excitedly, ignoring their bf’s and stare, infatuated at their love.

*

It is Julio’s final ‘encore’ farewell song and, as is customary, all the girls take off their panties and throw them at him. L & H go to do the same. S snatches H’s underwear and shoots her a foul look. J is too stunned to see L do such a thing and gulps when he realises she has no underwear on.

*

It is one in the morning when they arrive at H & S’s place and H & S are in a screaming match re: S’s possessiveness over H.

H- You’re unbelievable! I want to murder you so badly right now…

S- I’m unbelievable? I don’t throw my underwear at girls

H- Who would want your underwear? It had my contact details on the inside! He would have contacted me!

L lets out an involuntary giggle at the thought that Julio is going to contact her soon and shuts up when H glares at her.

S- So you would be fine if I was seeking to contact another girl.

H (defiantly)- I am Julio’s only match in the world… so you can’t because anyone else would be beneath that standard.

S- So what am I?

H (angrily)- An idiot who ruined my chance of true love and happiness.

H storms off and slams the door to her room upstairs shut.

S stares after her.

L- Honestly, I do think she was joking. She’s just mad that you were so possessive tonight. We’ve been looking forward to it for a long time. We’ve both had a crush on him for ages- he’s just an idol- and it was just meant to be for us too. It was wrong of you to intrude upon that.

J (quickly)- Sorry, Lily. I didn’t know.

L shrugs.

L- You can sleep on the couch. I’m taking the spare room…. And Sirius, I think you should apologise.

S- Apologize?! She just said that I was nothing to her!

L rolls her eyes.

L- If you still believe that after all this time, then you two have bigger issues than I thought.

*

H is sulking in bed when S comes in. She sees him and looks the other way.

H (grumpily)- I hate you.

S (annoyed)- That’s nice. I’m starting to feel the same way.

H- I can’t believe you ruined my night!

S- I can’t believe you planned on throwing the underwear I bought you at some other guy!

When S put it that way, H bites her lip but then shrugs.

H- You…

S- What’s so good about this singer? He looked like a sleaze to me.

H (muttering)- Coming from you…

S- Yes, even by my standards.

H- I’ve always liked him. (bitingly) Just like you’ve always had a thing for ‘Cristal’, judging from the numerous magazines you have of her stored under the bed.

S goes bright red at the thought that H has found his porn stash.

H rolls her eyes and pulls off her clothes, lying on top of the bed- it’s too hot for covers- in her red set that S got her (with the underwear that should be owned by J.Iglesias now). She glares at him as he stares at her for a moment and looks the other way.

S sits on the other side of the bed, still embarrassed that H knows about his porn.

H (after a while of silence, and more jokingly than angry)- Not that I care that you look at porn, but is Cristal the best there is? I mean, she’s not that pretty I don’t think.

S splutters and H grins a little, finally over her J.I depression and fantasy, but deciding that she prefers S anyway.

S- Um…

H (in a seductive tone)- Do you think she’s prettier than me?

S looks at her and sees H raising her eyebrows and still in the lingerie and shakes his head.

H- Does she have any talent other than posing nude.

S really chokes on this last statement and H frowns.

H- Well at least Julio is good looking and can sing… you can’t sing, but at least you’re better looking than him. Well, I think so anyway. (babbling now as S stares at her, amused)- I guess you can play the piano though, so that gives you a few extra points, but if you had Julio’s voice it would be… (she shivers and smiles to herself)…

S raises an eyebrow.

S- Do tell.

H shrugs- too good to be true.

S rolls his eyes and H pushes him back on the bed and then sits on top of him.

H- You piss me off, you know that?

S shrugs. Frankly, if he got this kind of sex all the time, he would piss her off more often, even if it is sometimes hazardous to his health.

H- I’m not going to cheat on you but, fucking hell, stop being possessive. Your coming tonight was completely unnecessary and unfair.

S considers this and then says- Yes, but if I hadn’t come tonight, I wouldn’t be able to do this…

S hooks his thumbs under H’s underwear and slowly slides them down and H rolls her eyes but then grins.

*

L, who finally offered to J to share her bed providing he sleeps on top of the covers and she is under them, and J are lying in bed, wide awake, and staring at the ceiling in horror as they hear H & S ‘at it’ in the next room. It’s rather loud and goes for quite a while.

J starts humming.

L (annoyed)- Stop.

J stops.

L sighs and tries to sleep but opens her eyes again when there’s a particularly loud crash and then continuation of the ‘sex noise’ from the room next door.

After another torturous fifteen minutes, there is a shout and then a slammed door followed by running footsteps. S flings open the door (partially covered with a sheet) and says angrily to a stunned L & J

S- She just fucking called me ‘Julio.’

H (running into the room, pulling S’s shirt over her)- I didn’t

S- Don’t lie…

H- Ok, fine… but it was an accident.

S- She was fantasizing about that wanker whilst we were having sex.

L (muttering)- don’t blame her

J stifles a laugh at this and S glares at them and then H

S (archly to H)- You can sleep on the couch tonight.

S then marches off back to their room and slams the door shut. H sighs and then notices how awkward J & L look.

H (smirking)- James, you’re not getting any tonight, so give up. Go sleep in our bed with Sirius and listen to him bitching about me. I’ll be damned if I take the couch. Lily, scoot over.

J, sighing, leaves and H lies in his spot on the bed.

L (sighing when J shuts the door)- Finally, it was so awkward when he was here!

H- Why don’t you just shag him already? You looked awkward too.

L- It’s not our fault! You two are so loud!

H (hardly remorseful as she mentally calculates how celibate her little slip up will force her to be- Whoops- forgot the silencing charm. We don’t usually bother at home. Usually people don’t stay over so we forget… sorry.

L- Hmm, well, it sounded intense.

H – Yeah, it was… I always knew Julio would be a great shag

L giggles and hits H who also laughs.

L (whispering)- Who was better; Sirius or Julio?

H bites her lip, trying to decide.

H- If I said Julio, would that make me a bad person?

L laughs.

L- Judging from Sirius’ reaction, I think that I’ll be keeping that one to the grave.

H nods- thanks.

*End flashback---

Present day

H toys with the food on her plate.

S- If it’s him, then you’re not going.

H (exasperated)- Come on, I’ve stuck with you for the past however many years we’ve been married.

S (flatly)- Seventeen

H- Right. Exactly, and that’s forgetting how many years we were together before then.

S- Seven

H- Exactly. We’ve been together for twenty-four years…

H trails off and her eyes widen.

H- Blimey, that’s a long time. (Seriously to him, in her surprise)- Twenty-four years?

S shakes his head at her, annoyed.

H- Well, I think that calls for a celebration. That’s quite amazing, really, that neither of us has killed the other in all our twenty-four years together. Wow, how long does that mean I’ve known you for? When did we first get together?

S (annoyed that H cares so little about ‘them’ that she can’t even be bothered to remember)- Christmas, we were fifteen?

H (nods, oblivious to his annoyance. That’s right, I remember… wow, we were only fifteen? I felt older then. Fifteen’s so little! And we started having sex a year after…. Wow, that’s Anka’s age now. That sounds so young.

S suddenly seizes up at the mention of A having sex.

S (rigidly)- Anka’s too little. Don’t bring her into this.

H shrugs indifferently.

H- So how long have we known each other for, then?

S (sighing, and wondering how it is that the roles have been reversed and he remembers all their milestones and she doesn’t)- twenty-eight years.

H stares at him in horror.

H- Way to make me feel old. That’s almost thirty years… shit.

S (muttering)- Just how I feel right now.

H, however, is still squinting ahead of S, trying to figure out where the years have flown.

H then shrugs and keeps eating.

S then remembers the start of their conversation.

S- Is it him?

H (innocently)- What?

S- That concert?

H- Come again?

S- Is it … his concert?

H (her lips twitching)- Whose?

S looks darkly at her.

S (through gritted teeth)- You know who.

H (feigning confusion- Who’s ‘You Know Who’?

S- I refuse to say his name.

H- Well I can’t think for the life of me who ‘You Know Who’ is.

S- Who’s concert is it?

H (scrunching his nose)- Just a singer we all used to like…

S folds his arms and glares at her and H sighs.

H- Fine. You can choose my underwear this time. I promise it’ll stay on anyway.

S glares at her.

H- I don’t like him any more! It’s just a bit of fun.

S- Yes, that’s what we said when we were doing drugs and getting drunk every night.

H- Well you’re just as much to blame for that, if not more!

S- The point is, it was ‘fun at the time’ but now I realise that one night you nearly fell off a cliff, I ended up in hospital from overdose, you tried to kill yourself, and, not to mention, ended up pregnant.

H stares at him.

H- You regret the pregnancy?

S- Of course not. I love Anka. I regret that that’s how she came about though. It would have been much nicer if we had planned it all, gotten married beforehand properly…  you know, we blamed our parents for so much of our lives and used them as excuses, but the fact is that when we escaped them, they no longer were really good enough excuses. Imagine if we decided to just start afresh and be normal?

H rolls her eyes.

H- If I recall correctly, you were quite anti-normal at the time. You wanted fun.

S- I know, I’m just saying… things could have been different.

H sighs.

H- Is this some mid-life crisis? You’re suddenly dissatisfied with your life? I mean, sure, we did a lot of stupid things, but we were young, we had our fun… it got dangerous at times, but we’re here. We’re still alive and fine now… and living semi-normally.

S shrugs- Go to the concert. It’s fine.

H stares at him.

H- I don’t want to anymore.

S- Why?

H- Because you’re like this.

S- Go.

H- Don’t want to.

S- Now you’re being annoying.

H shrugs.

S- Well, it’s up to you. I’m fine, either way.

---

Ha- What do you mean, you’re not going? Helen, I bought those tickets. You ARE going.

H- but…

Ha- Sirius will get over it. You’re coming and that’s that.

H sighs and feels guilty on S’s behalf, but then decides that Ha is right and that he will get over it.

--

H comes home at 2 in the morning, a little tipsy (due to post-concert backstage drinks… magic has it’s charms, doesn’t it). She walks into the living room where S is asleep on the couch and kisses him.

S (waking up)- You’re drunk

H (giggling)- A little. Psh! You’re so boring these days!

S (flatly)- And you’re high.

H giggles again and S shakes his head at her. The scent of the pot on her, though, makes him wish he had a joint, for old times’ sakes too…

He shakes his head. He musn’t think such things. He was given a second chance at life and cannot abuse his body.

S- I think you should go to bed.

H (frowning)- Bed? Why?

S- Ok. Up you get…

H- Sirius… you’re pretty.

S drops her and starts laughing uncontrollably at this. H always said the randomest things to him when she was high.

S- Excuse me?

H nods seriously and sits on his lap and touches his face in wonder.

H- You’re so… young-looking still! But you look better now that you’re older. (she smiles wanly)- I got a pretty husband, didn’t I?

S snorts and H frowns.

H- You don’t think you’re pretty? You should have more self esteem!

S tries not to laugh at this, seeing as H usually shouts at him for being so egotistical and thinking he’s much better than he actually is.

H (continuing)- I, for example, know I’m very pretty.

S (patting her, and trying to sit up)- Yes, I know… Listen, let’s.

H- Sh! I’m talking.

S sighs and sits back again and H clears her throat and squints, trying to remember her place.

S- You said that you knew of your prettiness?

H- Yes. I know I am stunning.

S raises his eyebrows. Of course, he agrees, he just has never heard H talk so highly of herself in her life.

H- And I know it, and therefore I don’t care what anyone else thinks. I didn’t need ugly ‘Julio’ to tell me that tonight. Therefore (placing a reassuring hand on his chest) you will be glad to know that when he told me ‘you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen’ I merely shrugged and said that my husband is much prettier than him- especially now that he has become so old! I mean, he never used to be so old! He’s gotten so ugly now! If I were to go for anyone with the surname- ‘Iglesias’, I’d go for his son… even if he is a bit younger…

S looks confused.

S- What do you mean you met that wanker?

H- Oh, we went backstage. You know, magic and all. That’s another thing! Magic is SO cool!

S (interrupting)- You went backstage?

H nods and closes her eyes sleepily before sitting up straight again.

S (tensely)- And what did he say when you said… that?

H- He looked shocked! Haha, do you know that apparently he has slept with over 3000 women? I’m better than to become number 3001. It’s bad enough that I’m number sixty-something for you!

S stares at her and H kisses his cheek.

H (completely randomly)- Kiwi fruit is nice, isn’t it?

S- Huh?

H- I’ve never tried Kiwi fruit, but it’s the nicest condom flavour.

S snorts again at this and finally lifts her up to take her to bed.

S  (to himself) should get high more often. I miss this.

And no, S did not take advantage of H in her high and drunk state, even though she wanted to try the Kiwi flavoured condom again. She was very annoyed with him for about ten minutes when he said that he couldn’t enjoy sex with her if she was like that and he wasn’t and refused her suggestion that he get drunk as well seeing as he had work the next morning. It was over quite quickly anyway, seeing as H passed out ten minutes later anyway, leaving S to watch her sleeping and laugh at how he managed to get himself such a strange yet wonderful wife.

Post by Anya.

This was more inspired by the fact that I can't see how on earth my mother found/finds J.Iglesias (not Jnr) attractive. back in the day. I also can't see how so many women (3000 apparently) would want to sleep with him. His sons, yes- Most of the time, they're pretty hot. But he... I just am not feelng it. Are any of you?

Plus, if the 3000 women thing is true, he must be festering with diseases. Unless he slept with 3000 virgins, but even then...
Oh, and apparently Charlie Sheen's done 5000 women.  My mum and I were trying to figure out the logistics of that the other day and decided that, for that to be possible, he must have had many regular threesomes or moresomes.
Or, the media as usual is lying. Maybe he's only slep twith 10 women. Ok. Somehow I doubt that, but 5000? That's.. impossible!
And then I dound a man who has apparently been the only one to top Charlie's record and apart from the fact that this man (he does something with Hotels I think) is quite the ugliness, he has done something like 8300? I don't believe it. I mean, if he had done so many women, thered' be no time for him to get rich! He'd be constantly swapping between women and having perpetual sex!

Enough on that now. I'm procrastinating study and it's 12.41 am and i have to finish and go to bed.
So.

Next post is a joint one with Artie! Don't we all miss her posts up here? It's been a while so make sure you all comment that one to get her to write more of her hilarious posts for us all more often :)