I have a problem with extremes. I'm either one way or not. Full speed jumping head first in or hiding in a closet somewhere. (For the closet is my favorite place to hide.) I'm just now trying to learn how to mediate my time and the things that I do. (How much time is too much time on the internet for me?) I'm learning that I don't have to fall headfirst into a project or an endeavor to make it worthwhile. (Yeah, I'm looking at you livejournal and fiction and poetry.) I'm learning that it doesn't have to be one way or the other. (Yoga or kick ass?) It can be both. It should be both. There should be room in my life for all of the things I want to do and like to do. All of the people I want to get to know. All of the things I want to learn more about. (I lost a best friend this way. We jumped in head first. I got scared, jumped out and left.) I'm not sure I know how to do things half way. (Always a plus, except when it's not.)

I miss the conversations I used to have in my head. All of my writing was born out of those conversations that I wish I could have, the things I wish I could say, the words I wanted said to me. Did I push them too far to the side to focus on what I wasn't telling myself? Or have I talked myself to death in therapy, etc, that I've no more conversations that I want to have?

I feel like I've been avoiding everyone outside of my mom. Maybe I have. I know I've been avoiding the computer. I didn't realize it but livejournal and meeting people via said method brought up some memories, some feelings that I kind of wish would stay buried. I won't go down that road again. Does that mean I'll never let anyone in the driveway, much less the metaphorical door? Maybe. Maybe. A year and a half later I'm still not ready.

We never even laid eyes on each other.