On Saturday I saw Maddy get beat up by her granddad. Freaking out, I ran over to Ty's in tears, only to find out from Sophie that he was 'in the shower'. Since he was supposed to be at my house already, I settled down to wait like I normally would. Sophie went inside. I heard her phone ring, and then she yelled, "Grey's outside, you idiot!" My heart just sank into my boots.
When Sophie came out again, I said, "Ty's not in the shower, is he?"
She said no. He'd phoned up a few minutes before I arrived and, instead of texting me to let me know he was out with his mates, had lost track of time and was going to be a little late, had asked her to lie to me. When I found Ty, I smacked him one - actually, I smacked him three - because we'd agreed only a few days before that there would be no more lying, and that it was OK for him to go out with his mates whenever he wanted as long as it didn't cut into the time we were supposed to spend together.
We couldn't go clubbing after all because this chav girl's halloween party had taken over the WHOLE club, so we went back to my house with the gang (minus Maddy, who was grounded) and ordered pizza. Then Ty went all grumpy because he thought I fancied the pizza guy. So I spent the whole evening worrying about him, and then we had an argument when he was walking me back to my house after we'd walked the others home.
Maddy was OK. She says she's had to put up with a lot of that from her granddad, and if I hadn't been there she would have fought back. But I feel so bad because I didn't step in. I am a bad fucking person.
On Sunday, when I saw him for a little while after work, we discussed what was going to happen, and agreed we were going to make an effort to fix the problems in our relationship.
On Monday he screamed in my face that he, "didn't love me, in fact he fucking hated me." Unsurprisingly, we broke up. But then we had sex.
On Tuesday, I stopped by to see Ty after bellydancing practise, because the last conversation we'd had had left things hanging ("Well, I don't love you right now, but lets be friends and then maybe we can sort things out, but then maybe we won't but then again I do have strong feelings for you..." etc etc ad nauseum). We didn't get anywhere.
So then Maddy and I took a walk to a nearby churchyard (Mads isn't goth, but she likes cemetaries as much as I do) and were followed home in the rain by some creepy dude. While we were in the churchyard, we heard little bells coming from among the graves. It was dark as hell so we couldn't see where the sound was coming from. At first I assumed it was something that someone had left on a grave, but then the second time we heard it it was closer. We stopped off at Ty's house on the way back and he walked us both home. Really awkward.
On Wednesday, Ty came round. We ended up having sex - again - but I'd thought we were getting back together, when it turned out Ty had just had a fit of the hornies. I'll put my hands up and admit that I did put the moves on him, but I assumed that he responded because he wanted more than just a shag. He kept trying it on with me for the rest of the evening, no matter how much I said no. He reduced me to tears several times - he was all with the, "I might love you, I'm not sure," and then at one point he whispered in my ear that he loved me. I was like, "What? Is this a wind-up?" and he said, "Is what a wind-up?" and I said, "I thought you said you loved me, I'm sorry, I must have misheard," and I burst into tears because he'd gotten my hopes up. Then he said, "I did."
I can't describe the relief that I felt at hearing Ty say that he loved me after all.
But then he said, "It was out of habit."
He also did a weird test on me where he convinced me that throughout our relationship he'd been on drugs 'to see if he could trust me if we did get back together'. Hence me being reduced to tears again.
He even admitted that he was messing with my head. I don't understand how my gentle, caring Ty turned into this mentally-abusive monster. Wednesday was HELL. I had sex with someone who I'm in love with and who I thought loved me back. But no. Turns out we were just talking uncontrollable erection, not, "I made a mistake and I want to be with you." He spent all the time from 4:00 till 9:30 messing me around, saying one thing and meaning another, playing with my head, making my cry again and again and again. He thinks he might be like this because he's stressed out what with his family moving and stuff like that, and he said, I quote, "I need you close to me at the moment, so will you go back out with me?"
I was like, "What, you want me to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want me or love me for a year or so until your family's moved and you've sorted yourself out, and then at the end of that you might still not want me and I'll get kicked into the gutter again?"
He said, "It didn't sound that harsh when I thought it."
I feel like shit. I feel utterly worthless, used, and totally contemptuous. I wish I could just die. Hacked the shit out of my left wrist with a pair of scissors. Shame I don't have the guts to kill myself.
Rejection is hard enough to bear without having my hopes raised and then shattered and then raised again and then shattered again and on and on and on and on. I feel like it's my fault for constantly getting the wrong end of the stick - when he said he loved me I really thought he meant it. If I hadn't got the fucking wrong idea as usual I might not be feeling this bad right now.
But I'm not going anywhere. I'll stick by him for as long as he needs me. We're meeting up to go to the Halloween lunch at the village hall today.
Maybe something will have changed.
Maybe I'm stupid for thinking that.

Darkest wishes,
Grey
xx