(Jester)

Nam thought it a good idea for me to post this chatlog of my rantings as I simultaneously talk to her and play through a portion of Sonic Chronicles. Given the amount of allcaps, it's probably a very good idea.

Jester: I think, when BioWare made the Swat Bots capable of Self Repair on Sonic Chronicles, they were trying to send the players a message. A message like: "WE ARE HUGE FUCKING SADISTS, HAHAHAHAHA. LOVE (BUT NOT REALLY), BIOWARE"
Nam: XDDDD
Jester: I am way too serious.
Jester: I have Sonic, Knuckles, Cream and Rouge, fighting against three Swat Bot Mk. II, each of which have 200 HP. They do, like, thirty some damage per attack, and have, like, two attacks per turn. And if I don't beat them all ON THE SAME TURN, they Self-Repair with 50 HP. And all my attacks do approximately...shit.
Jester: OH FOR FUCKS SAKE.
Jester: SERIOUSLY SONIC.
Jester: ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS FIVE FUCKING DAMAGE.
Jester: YOU COULDN'T EVEN DO THAT.
Jester: FIVE.
Jester: FOUR MORE THAN WHAT YOU DID.
Jester: CREAM CAN DO MORE DAMAGE THAN YOU.
Jester: AND NOW YOU'RE DEAD, AND THE OTHER TWO ROBOTS ARE BACK AT FIFTY HP.
Jester: ARE YOU HAPPY?
Nam: Oo
Nam: XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
Nam: Any better?
Jester: No, I restarted and went off to GRIND.
Jester: WELL OF COURSE I GOT A C GRADE, GAME. THE ONLY REASON I WON WAS BECAUSE I SWITCHED SONIC'S CHAO SO THAT HE DID WATER-ELEMENTAL ATTACKS INSTEAD OF WIND. IF THE REST OF THE GAME IS GOING TO PUNISH ME FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS, WE ARE NOT GOING TO LAST LONG AS A COUPLE.
Nam: XDDDD
Jester: Eggy only gets two special moves?
Nam: D:
Jester: OMG EGGY YOU RUN LIKE A FREAK.
Jester: Somehow I get the feeling that we're not SUPPOSED to use Eggy.
Jester: He has no movement skills, and only two special skills.
Jester: ...WTF.
Jester: YOU HAD BETTER BE KIDDING ME, GAME.
Nam: ????
Jester: Forced to fight Shadow. Cause apparently Shadow is paranoid enough that whenever he and Sonic meet AT ALL, he assumes he's being followed and becomes extremely violent. His attacks do, like, forty damage, and he can COUNTER my groups attacks. So that instead of Shadow being hit, my CHARACTERS are hit. And we're supposed to WIN.
Jester: Unfortunately, I didn't save after destroying those damn robots and recruiting Eggy, so I have to do it AGAIN.
Jester: Game, I can understand that I am at a low level. Now, if you would help me by GIVING ME MORE EXP PER FIGHT SO I WON'T HAVE TO SPEND SEVERAL HOURS FIGHTING THINGS JUST SO I STAND A CHANCE. GRRR.
Jester: Although, it's good to know that when Vector shows up to report on information he gathered for GUN, that's the EXTENT OF HIS INVOLVEMENT IN THE WHOLE GAME.</sarcasm>
Nam: Oo
Nam: I take it you're enjoying this game XD
Jester: YES. I AM ENJOYING IT SO MUCH I WANT TO THROW IT OUT A WINDOW. CAN YOU SEE MY ENJOYMENT?
Jester: CAN YOU FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL IT?
Nam: XDDDDD
Jester: CRAAAAAAAWWWLING IN MY SKIIIIIIIIIIIIN. THESE WOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUNDS REQUIRE ELIXIRRRRRRRRR. BUT YOU CAN OOOOOOOOOONLY CARRY FOOOOOUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Nam: What does Vector tell you?
Nam: XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
Jester: I don't even remember.
Jester: But he could have easily been replaced by Random GUN Red Shirt.
Jester: So I head on over to GameFAQs, to look up things I do not know. Somehow I end up on the Message Board. One of the topics, to my infinite displeasure, is "When will they make Rouge's boobs bigger?" I HAVE NO FAITH IN THE FANS OF THIS FANDOM ANYMORE. PEOPLE WONDER WHY THE NEWER SONIC GAMES ARE LOADED WITH FAIL, AND THEY BLAME THE DESIGNERS. BUT NOW I UNDERSTAND. THE DESIGNERS ONLY GIVE THE FANS WHAT THEY DESERVE. AND WE DESERVE CRAP.
Jester: Oh, apparently Amy has a boyfriend named...Dexter? I don't remember. I find it highly unlikely we will ever meet him. I somewhat doubt his existence, too, but I would like to give Amy some credit.
Jester: Despite her actions so far in the game making me loathe to do so.
Nam: Wait.
Nam: Boyfriend?
Nam: ....Like dating?
Jester: Boyfriend.
Nam: Like dating and kissing and smoochy smooch we will marry?
Jester: Like, "REMEMBER SONIC, I HAVE A BOYFRIEND NOW. A BOYFRIEND WHO IS NOT YOU. REMEMBER THAT? HIS NAME IS DEXTER. HE IS NOT YOU. YOU AND HE ARE NOT THE SAME PERSON. YOU. HIM. DIFFERENT. YOU ARE NOT HIM. AND HE'S MY BOYFRIEND. NOT YOU. HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL?"
Nam: .....
Nam: W.
Nam: T.
Nam: F.
Nam: Does it show you him?
Jester: No.
Nam: Ten bucks says at the end she says she made him up
Jester: Amy just comes to meet up with Sonic, and she REMINDS HIM OF THIS INFORMATION WHICH HE KNOWS. SO DON'T GO DOING ANYTHING FUNNY. BECAUSE AMY IS SPOKEN FOR. HE IS NAMED DEXTER AND HE IS TOTALLY REAL AND JUST LAST WEEK THEY HAD LUNCH TOGETHER AND WHY ARE YOU MAKING THAT FACE HE IS A FAR BETTER BOYFRIEND THAN SONIC EVER WOULD BE, SO HE SHOULDN'T GO GETTING JEALOUS BECAUSE HE HAD HIS CHANCE.
Nam: XD
Jester: And apparently Amy is stronger than Knuckles, suddenly?
Jester: She's the only one capable of Level 3 Smash Movement Skills. And she has the highest base attack rating in the game, leaving Knuckles for second.
Nam: .....
Nam: Huh.