Thanks to the awesome awesomeness of my friend Ben, my computer is more than just barely functioning. Apparently I need to research my crap better than just picking crap at random, letting cats pee on my old stuff and making me go, "Oh crap I must buy this crap NOW!" My motherboard cannot quite handle the speed of my processor, woo. Or maybe it was the RAM, since he lowered the speed of my RAM and now my computer doesn't reboot itself. Now I just need to get a new SATA dvd drive (there's definitely an issue with my current IDE drive, and the old CD-ROM drive worked, if slowly) and my new computer will be made of win.