Having read back my previous entries I'm feeling mildly disappointed in myself. I sound all... preppy and young; Naive, egotistical and worst of all ... daft.

And having read back that last sentence I've realised that I now sound like a miserable old coot. 

I freely admit being somewhat egotistical in that I firmly believe that:
a) I am the perfect woman 
b) That no man that I have previously dated will ever get over me (I found out that 'O' [bloke that broke my heart] was getting married, and I still thought to myself 'You're marrying her for the security, to cover up the fact you can't get over me') because it's easier for my ego.

See, there I go again talking about having my heart broken. That's what I mean when I say I sound young and daft. People shouldn't talk about feelings surely. Well, not if you're British anyway. Stiff upper lip and all that. 

[All this talk of britishness is making me crave crumpets... with butter... and a cup of tea... and the cup has to made of bone china.]

I sound shallow. Which is hilarious, because that's not at all how anybody I actually know would describe me. 

The reason I believe I'm the perfect woman is because I'm good-looking, funny, smart and genuine. None of that seems to be coming across in what I'm writing. 

How can I rectify the situation, I ask myself. I don't FEEL like writing about the US presidential campaign and how putting a woman who, as a devout christian, is against abortion but pro-iraq war, wouldn't mean change; I don't feel like writing about the credit crunch and how worried I am about not being able to pay my energy bills because even though the cost of living has gone up about 5% per person, the government hasn't given me any extra student loan, presumably because its too busy bailing out banks that have been gambling OUR money away on dodgy mortgages for the past 15 years and now need OUR money again to pay for their mistakes. Does anybody on livejournal even care if I can't pay my gas bill? Of course not. Because everyone's in the same boat. And because livejournal is escapism. Nobody wants to hear that I am REALLY FUCKING COLD.

I can't write about it because I'm too angry about it (even though I just did); and besides there are so many huge things going on about it, I'd forget about half of them before I could write it all down and it REALLY frustrates me when that happens. Especially when I feel passionate about it.

And I also know that loads of people don't want to hear me talking about uni, because they fall into one of the following categories

a) They didn't go to university themselves and have no clue what the hell I'm talking about and I can hear them getting bored with me (my parents fall into this category)
b) They find out what I'm studying and think I'm some crazy fundamentalist freak (I'm studying religion and theology, but I actually wouldn't consider myself affiliated to any religious organization [I'm catholic in theory, but definitely not in practice])
c) They do the same course as me and think I'm a crazy fundamentalist freak like them. (That's putting it a bit strongly, nobody on my course is a fundamentalist freak, but a lot are quite devout, and if you're not devout with them then they kind of pretend you don't exist.)
d) They're really open minded (and so I'm friends with them :-) ).

These are things that stop me from talking about the things I really want to talk about, because I'm afraid people will find me boring, or you know, just not get it. So I try and appeal to the masses which makes me look stupid. And it is a stupid thing to do, but once I start a rant I find it really difficult to stop even if I'm proper tired and just want to eat or go to bed an whatever.

I'm feeling pretty lonely at the moment to tell the truth. I suppose that's the reason I've joined livejournal. I haven't really met people who are into the same things as me. Or I meet people who like philosophy, but then I try talk to them about fashion and they look at me like I've lost my mind. I'd like to make a friend who likes at least a couple of the same things I do. And who isn't a bitch, because I don't like that... well not without good reason. I suppose I have my Gardener (not an actual gardener, that's just what I call him), but I don't want to harass him all the time because we used to go out and, even though we're now really good friends, I don't want to seem all clingy. 

This post is proper weird and rambly like my actual thoughts. Its my favourite so far :-)

It's my birthday in a week!