I'm so bad at relationships. Any kind, really. I mentioned once before, if I recall, my difficulty with the concept of acquaintanceship vs. friendship. The same grey areas and paranoias dominate pretty much every human relationship in my life. I say human, because the relationship between myself and my cat is totally set in stone. He lets me pat him once in a while, he's allowed to attack my feet on occasion without getting thrown against the wall. (Don't worry, I'd never actually throw my Zu against the wall...that's mean.) My relationship with my mother is a very strong one, but even with her, the person I know best and who knows me best in the entire world, there are always tiny doubts and worries. It's like walking on a tile floor covered in microscopic shards of glass, this unease and disconfidence (that's not a word, I think, but it should be) I have with people.

Case in point, and reason for this train of thought: my boyfriend.

I hate that word, actually, it sounds so juvenile...but, nonetheless, that's what he is, no disputing it. My problem is...well, I haven't seen him in a couple of weeks, neither of us being especially independent-transport-capable, and...I miss him. Yes, that's actually a problem. For me. Because I miss him a LOT. That's very unusual, and I have to wonder whether I actually really like him as much as my brain seems to be thinking or if I'm just infatuated. It's a possibility. I rarely trust my own judgement. It doesn't seem like the wisest thing to do most of the time.

Speaking of wisdom, or lack thereof (the latter in this case), I got my progress report for this quarter today...

Oooooh, boy. I am...not doing well. See, we only recieve the progress reports for classes in which we're getting a C- or lower, and I got one for 5 classes. Out of 8. And two of the classes I didn't get marked for were electives...

Goddammit. I am not stupid, exactly, I don't think. I DO know that I am just not good at school. I just don't care. I should, I should think more to the future and so on, but I just don't. I'd care more if I were actually learning something. I like learning! But when I'm not gaining any information worthy of long-term retention, well...I don't. I get so bored, and my mind starts to drift, and BAM, disgustingly low Algebra test scores. It doesn't help that I have no natural aptitude for maths beyond what my OCD forces me into. i know where this is all leading, though. I do. I'm taking my SATs in December, and I'm not that worried about them, I'm writing my college essay/s now, and I'm not worried about those, and I've looked into and even filled out (just for practice, pretty much, getting a handle on bragging about myself when there's nothing to brag about...) some applications, and that's easy, that's fine. But fact is, there is no way I am ever going to get into college. Thus, when I actually do care, and actually do want to absorb what I can be taught, it won't make a lick of difference because I've already screwed myself over because no one will want me.

I really hope someone appreciates how utterly frustrating this is...


On a lighter note, I do have a Psychology project I'm very excited about, or might be excited about. It all depends on the topic and whether I can convince my teacher to let me use the one I want. OCD is much more interesting than heroin. Also I don't know and heroin addicts. I actually don't know many obsessive-compulsives either, but I am one, so it's a little closer and a little more interesting to me. Also another project in Creative Writing, which is being done in groups, but if I'm careful, I can pretty much manage to write the whole thing myself...I'm quite megalo that way. What we had to do was each create an individual character, WITHOUT having been told what we're doing with them, then get into groups and write either a one-act play or a sitcom pilot using those characters. I like doing things like that, taking different pieces of something and trying to make them mesh together into something that makes sense, and I'm good at it. There's a game I play when I have insomnia, which is I'll take a bunch of fairy tales (I think my current record is 7, but I bet I could get higher) and make a new story by squishing together events, characters, themes, even other random little elements here and there. Try it sometime; it's fun, and a good thing to do when it's 2:30 in the morning and you've not been thinking about much other than why you aren't sleeping yet... But this Creative Writing assignment is kind of like that, to my mind - taking all these characters that have nothing to do with one another and trying to put them in one place that seems like they belong there.

You see? When I care about something, I work so, so much better...

You know...as far as the fairy tale game goes, I've always meant to actually write one of the frankentales I've come up with. I don't remember about 90% of the ones I've thought of and I rarely write notes on them, but there is one that combines Little Red Riding Hood; Beauty and the Beast; Sleeping Beauty; Rapunzel; Snow-White and Rose Red; and Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. One of these days... *sigh*


Have you ever heard of the angel Yadael? Me neither. It's because he doesn't exist. The name means "hand of God" if my translation's correct (might not be). I was going through some angelology notes I had, sifting through what I needed to copy onto the computer and what I could leave on my other SuperDuperUseless computer or in my notebook, and I came across Yadael. Who, apparently, I made up. According to my scribblings (used here quite literally, my handwriting looks like a play-schooler's) in the margin of my notebook, it's a name for the Destroyer angel which, I believe, has no name. I do wish sometimes my notes were a little more concise since I don't remember why I decided the Destroyer needed a name at all. It's things like that that I'll sometimes not make note of because I assume I'll remember. D'oh. Well, in any case, I now have a Destroyer angel with a name.

At least it's a good one. Better than the rather vulgar name I gave a Molech, also in my notes. (Molechim don't exist either, I made them up and don't remember how/why/when/where.) His name is Lashonael, which is - no pun intended - a bit of a mouthful and also has an intentionally vulgar meaning. It means "tongue of God" (hence pun). Teehee. Well, I thought it was funny...

I really do like names. Etymology is a wonderfully fascinating subject, but the study of names alone is a highly underrated one. There's a word for it, I know there is...what is it? The word for the study of names? Oh shoot, that's going to bother me now. You know, I wish there were such a thing as a backward dictionary, where you look up a definition and find what word or words it corresponds to.

And I don't mean a thesaurus, either. No, this, some kind of backward dictionary, would be very useful, I think, if there were any practical way of organizing it. I don't think there is.


iTunes has been converting all the music on my Media Player onto itself for about 2 hours now. What on Earth is taking it so long? I don't have that much on there, really, about two days' worth. A little less, maybe.

Speaking of, there were two more CDs I wanted to load onto it before returning them to the library...ta, then!