I've just spent the last 8 hours with Mum.  I'm drained.

She relentlessly spoke about Dad; the divorce, the stupid things he says, the fact that he did wrong by her, the affair - any little, minutest thing relating back to the situation.  She spoke about the fact that I've hurt her and betrayed her and how things will never be the same between us as they were before.  She said this:

Mum: You've pushed my love to the limit and you should feel lucky that I'm even here, sat, spending time with you at all.
Me: You are my Mum, it's your job to be here, no matter what.
Mum: There's been times when I've come close to not seeing you.
Me: What, so you'd rather not see me?
Mum: I've come close and it is always a distinct possibility, Hannah.  But I'm sat here now.
Me: So am I supposed to say 'thank you' for that?

I didn't mean to sound petulant but ffs, she's my fucking Mum!!  She has driven me to despair for years - kept me down, knocked my confidence, chucked me out countless times, judged and belittled me and so when I chose to remove myself from that and live with Dad, it means that I am the worst person to have ever walked this Earth.  I get the distinct impression that I could come home and say 'Mum, btw, I rape little boys' and she'd be less bothered.  Am I in the wrong here?

She also said that I had ideas above my station because I told her that I didn't like the area and that I wasn't particularly proud of having grown up there, to which I replied that there's nothing wrong with striving for more.  She muttered something that I couldn't make out.

I refuse to let her bring me down.  Since living in Southsea I have grown in confidence and I finally feel like I'm not living in some fascist regime.  Granted, Dad winds me up and takes a lot of liberties but he does, after all is said and done, just let me get on with my life.  It could be a lot worse. 

She looks at, and talks about Phil as if he's Christ re-born and panders to his every whim.  I can't say a word against him, and even when I'm trying to say how proud I am of him, she leaps in to mis-interpret what I've said and to re-iterate her belief that, if he chose to, Phil could walk on water.  It's fucking pathetic.  Phil's developing into a great guy; thoughtful, bright and quite sweet most of the time, but he has A LOT of growing up to do (as do I) and Mum is putting un-due pressure on him to be 'the man' when he's barely done being a boy. 

Basically, my family are so screwed up it's not true.  It does my head in.  I'm SO desperate to escape this hell hole of a city and to live my life in my own way, away from judgement, criticism and ridiculous expectations.  I KNOW that I am a good person and I'm proud of the fact that I'm working towards my own life away from all of this.  If Mum can't handle that all I want is to improve my standing and situation, then who I am to tell her otherwise?  But just because I hear her, doesn't mean I'm listening.