What Am I?

For someone who fears death, I think too much about my own future. My mind constantly wanders to where I would be in 5 years time, 10 years time etc.

I also wonder what my place in life is, where I am meant to "fit". The path I walk down, what is the end? Can I decide where I walk or is it controlled? Am I being pushed down this path against my will?

I like to think I have my own degree of control - I can decide who I spend my life with, where I live, my career. I used to believe in soulmates, and prayed that I had one myself. I went through a few relationships where I thought I had found my soulmate but at the end of each bad break up I sat and wondered if it was all true.

Every person goes through that naive stage where relationships are exciting and new and every moment together, and most people rush things too far too soon and that's what ruins it. But one of the best things about being in a relationship is those small moments where you feel that swell of emotion just by being near them.

So where is Nick in my life? We've been together 4 months now, the honeymoon period still remains yet at the same time we've settled into some small routines. I don't want this excitement to end with him, each piece of time together has its own memory, its own tune almost. I can still, to this day, remember the day he told me he loved me so clearly - the exact place, time, what the weather was like, what he was wearing. The thing is, I didn't think he was serious when he said it, and I dismissed it. Yet it was later in the day when we confirmed our feelings for each other and in that brief moment, I was so terrified of saying those 3 words I almost didn't. To be in love, to me, is almost showing a weakness. Each time I have been in love it has ended badly, and I end up blaming myself for everything that went wrong.

I don't want this to happen with him, I pray and I pray that this is really it for me, this is where I am supposed to be and who I am supposed to be with. I have this fear that if I hope about something, it'll go wrong (as has done in the past). So I'm dismissing any future with Nick simply because if I want it, it won't happen.

Do I push him away as well? Does my negativity put him off me? Its the worry that makes it worse, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I don't know what the future holds for me, things can change in an instant and I have experienced this. My life has changed in a heartbeat and I've had to adapt, work from the ground up once again and put myself in a comfortable position. I know what I WANT from the future, and that's a life with Nick. I want it to be us, now and always, with the whole package of marriage, kids etc etc. My heart swells when he talks about this to me, and I beg to the Goddess it'll happen some day and I know that I would give anything for him, heart, soul and body.

Then I curse myself! Why, why am I spouting this cheesiness? Why do some people say all this romantic stuff? You're dooming it by saying it!!! You are nothing but the replacement of their ex and you are following their damn footsteps, be original and make them remember you for it!

And now I'm assuming me and Nick will end some day, I will do or say something that goes too far and I will lose him forever. I'll sit there, curse men and love, promise never to let myself get vulnerable again.

So what is life after Nick? Is there one? And once again I wonder about the plan for me in life.

I want to live with Nick, I want him to be my husband and the father of my children, I cannot deny this want. Whether this plan comes into fruition I do not know, I cannot control it. I can just sit here, secretly hope and deny that hope so that I do not doom it.

I should really learn to enjoy the present and not worry about the bad stuff. Unfortunately that is a part of me that will never go away, as much as I would love to take a knife and cut it out of my mind.

Nina is an optimistic pessemist, a paranoid wishful thinker and a romantic depressed woman. I am so many contrasts sometimes it makes my head hurt, but this is who I am, and these are the things I think about, and worry about.

One thing is certain, I am very much in love with Nick Maggs. I didn't expect to feel the way for him that I do, when we first met I just thought it was something casual but its developed into this wonderful shared existence. I don't want the tingly feeling he gives me when he kisses me to end, or that feeling of protection I get when he puts his arm around me and holds me tight. I even love it when he pats me on the bottom or the chest with the slight perverted grin on his face, it's one of the many qualities he has that I adore.

And right now, after 5 days of having him live with me, I miss him. I miss him terribly, to the point of tears. I want to go to bed tonight and see him there, hear him breath and feel that security once again.

And I want that everyday for the rest of my life......