I don't normally get excited about Halloween. This isn't to say that I ignore it completely. The light is always on at my house and I'm sure to be home to give candy to trick or treaters. As much as I know that the multitude of candy won't be good for them, I try to buy the good stuff anyway. The kids are still going to get candy somewhere, and I'd rather not be the house that is notorious for giving away raisins and toothbrushes. I know that normally I wouldn't care if someone thinks I'm boring, but I have to have some standards. Besides, I'd rather keep my yard toilet paper and egg free.

This year I think I'm just going to fill a large bowl up with candy and place it on a chair by the front door. I know that handfuls of candy will probably be taken rather than just a few pieces at a time, but I will check the candy supply periodically throughout the night to make sure I haven't run out and fill the bowl if need be. This process may cost me more than Halloween usually does, but what's a few extra dollars to make a kid happy, right? I'll miss handing out the candy myself. I like seeing the different costumes that children choose for themselves and the looks on their faces when they get to show off that costume to someone new.

To me, Halloween is a day of imagination. It's never been one of my strong suits, which is why I suppose that I don't celebrate it with the exuberance of some people I know, but I'm happy for them. Sure, there will always be that bratty kid who complains that your candy is "gross", but thankfully they leave soon enough. The ones that stay however are a joy to see. They will chatter away about their latest heroic efforts as a caped crusader or about the last sea monster they conquered as a pirate, sometimes unaware that they have an audience. I'm not the best at it, but I usually try to listen rather than shoo them away. To be honest, sometimes it can get redundant, anyone who has ever been around a child knows how they can get into certain kicks where they talk about the same thing over and over, and at the end of the night I'm usually worn out, but I try to stay outside until the very last person anyway. My own sense of imagination left me very quickly due to circumstance and my own stubborn pride. Others shouldn't have to lose that prematurely. Along with a sense of wonder about the world comes hope, which a very close friend of mine once told me is a very dangerous thing to lose. I tend to agree.

This year the chair will have to do as I'm staying indoors this year. I'm going to miss the things I do like about Halloween, but I think I will ultimately feel more rewarded. I'm spending the night in with my nephew Aaron who is too young to go trick or treating and fully understand Halloween, but I feel that he too has the right to explore his imagination, especially on this holiday. I've already got my taped copy of It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, on cue, but he's always liked it better when I read to him, so I checked out a few books from the local library as well. As long as we're doing this I've decided to dress in a costume for the first time in years. I'm going to wear a suit with a Superman t-shirt underneath and be Clark Kent while Aaron will be Lex Luthor and has his own little suit with a toy cigar and a green building block. It's supposed to be Kryptonite. Since I couldn't get any of the real thing at the supermarket, it's the best substitute I could come up with. I'm not sure how much of it we'll get through before he falls asleep or starts crying. He can be fickle about what clothes he decides are itchy. Let's hope Halloween is a good day.

I think for the first time in a long while I'm consciously looking forward to Halloween. Aaron needs this, and on a selfish level, so do I. I need to spend time with my nephew. I know that there have been plenty of instances where I've neglected him. I told myself and his mother that I was too busy to look after a kid. I had more important things to do. The truth is that there really is nothing more important than raising a child. Whether they want to or not, parents help shape their children into the adults that they will become. I'm not his father, but I am family, and family is something that a child needs, especially one so young. I'm not ready to be a father, and don't think I'll ever be. I don't want to ever be "too busy" for my son or daughter. It's not fair to them. There are dozens of other things that could go wrong. I lose patience easily. I'm too judgmental. I'm hard on myself and on others. I drink heavily. In short, I'm too much like my own father. I loved him, but I don't ever want to see another child turn out like him, or like me. They deserve a fresh start away from all that baggage, a chance to grasp that sense of imagination and run with it in a way that I never could. Just because I'm not his biological parent doesn't mean that I don't wish the same thing for Aaron. I do. That's why I'll spend this Halloween with him. That's why I'll go to his little league games, see his school plays, go to his open houses, support him in whatever he decides to do as he grows.

That's why I'll never be his father.