I'm holding it together. I've gotten very good at forcing my mind to shift topics that send me spiraling in circles. But I notice that I'm making carby and sugary foods more of a staple than I have for the last year.

And I've been using the motorcycle to fly away from myself for a little while. I'm following a lot of political coverage now. I'm paying the bills. I am thankful that I have a fixed rate mortgage. Countrywide actually DID try to sell me an Adjustable rate interest only mortgage, and I said at the time, 'That's the dumbest thing I ever heard!'

I managed to cook dinner four nights this week.

And I've even been weeding.

But you know what? Here's the thing--my heart's not really in it.

For the first time in a long while, I had a 9/11 nightmare. I was in a car --riding passenger-- and we were going over a bridge. A HUUUGE bridge, not sure which one. I looked over to the skyline and saw the towers there, flames shooting from the top and sides, and that awful black plume of smoke billowing up and out to the blue sky.

I heard this noise, this horrible cry, the sound of mortal agony escaped through a human voice---It took me a bit to realize it was coming from me. The Towers were smoking, burning and crumbling, and there I was trapped in a car heading right for them.


I woke up that morning before dawn, and there was no sleep for me during the rest of that night.