So I have finished my second chapter. What an accomplishment. I have only been working on this Book for four months, after all.

And yes, fera_festiva, this is what I was talking about. Woohoo! Now that you know that, you may go dance naked in the streets, yelling, “I have discovered matt_writer’s secret, I HAVE DISCOVERED matt_writer’S SECRET!!!”




Nonsense will be discussed here, alongside time, eras, people, and, finally – the climactic event of the evening – sticks being stuck in dirt. Or, to say this in a classier way, dirtsex.

Hi, this is the Book of Badassity. Chapter ?. (The “?” stands for a number I have not yet decided.) It’s 2:49 a.m. on August 2, 2008, as I write this. Which means that I wrote this at some point in the timeline of our universe that is identified with these numbers. But! This is only in my time zone. In Britain, for instance, this date/time is complete bollocks. In fact, you guys are waking up as I write this, I who plans to go to bed in the next hours.

See? I told you nonsense would be discussed here. So here it is, hidden amongst some not-so-nonsensy topics:

Night
I’m not too sure what it is that makes night so badass. In fact, night scares the piss out of me. I can’t go outside at night as it’s too dark; I need to check under my bed and in my closet twice: once when I come in my room for going to bed, and once after all the computing/writing/reading I’ve done before actually going to sleep. Because a madman could have gone in those while I was doing absolutely nothing and remaining in my room. Like yeah, ‘cause that makes so much sense.

Nonsense, says I.

So I don’t know what it is with the night, but the fact that it’s dark and silent and you can put your light on and go in the blankets and be warm and cosy and… and… and, well, whatnot, is just good. And then there are no parents to tell you to do stuff like walk the dog or clean the house or eat the food, and you can easily go on the Internet for, well, a long, long time.

Of course, it sometimes gets a bit lonely. Especially when you know that, in fact, you have no friends because you have switched schools and left all your friends behind and it’s still summer as I write this so I haven’t made friends just yet.

Perhaps I’m one of these people who wilfully put depression and sadness onto themselves, because otherwise I wouldn’t stay awake all night. But I have to.

It’s at night that you can see the moon, too. Well, you could if that fucking garage wasn’t blocking the view.

It’s at night that you feel the safest. Especially when I close my drapes and go under the blankets, and my wall’s coffee-coloured, for fuck’s sake, so it feels all warm and fuzzy. Or something less creepy, like “it feels awesome” or even “super chouette.”

I have noticed that, if not tired, I am very productive at night. Usually the result of my work isn’t very good because I start writing stupid things – but only if the subject doesn’t really captivate me or I’m too tired. But, I mean, the entire Ginny Project plotline was figured out by night, in one go, which I think is rather good. Not that I mean this in a cocky way of anything, because I’m not saying it’s a good plotline, but yes, I did find what every single entry would be about. Up to some point, anyway, because I figured it was just fanfiction so I needn’t say, “Entry one will be about this, while entry two about this…” But just like, “This happens, then this happens, then this happens.”

Which is to say, I’m productive at night.

Not that I’m not during the day, of course, but the night just feels… different. During day, if I stay in my room for too long, I start feeling as though I’m suffocating. During the night I don’t get this enclosed feeling. The goodness just keeps going. On, and on, and on.

Middle Ages – Idiotic but just plain badass
Seriously. These people threw their shit out the window! On other people’s heads! Oh, I so want to live there then! And they dressed so cool, too! *fanboys*

Okay, I’ll try to calm down. I guess that having funky, smelly, and oozy brown stuff land on you isn’t very good. Moreover, the gays were burned. :O

So the Middle Ages is the period in which the human became stupid again. Er, sorry, scratch that – The Middle Ages is the period in which the human pushed/pulled its stupidity to a different level. Not worse, mind – it’s not like the Romans didn’t put people on wooden crosses for no valid reason – but just a different kind of stupid. The human started living a bit like a pig, or cow or goat or chicken or gym teacher – whichever you like – which I think is good because, at the least, they wouldn’t do fucking psycho things like we do today.

Yes, yes, I know. I’m completely making stuff up. Just let me dream, okay? Because yeah, they did do psycho things. The difference with today, though, is that then, they might burn people and put them in meat pies, but it was disorganized and not as major. Now, you do something wrong – like grab a meat pie without having Lovett’s permission – and suddenly the whole government is around you, and you don’t have a single chance of escaping, partly because in some places, like Europe and southern U.S., there’s not really such a thing as a “rural place,” so there’s not really any place to go. But back then, it mostly was “rural place[s],” which was good for you if you were a serial killer, bank robber, or farmer.

So yeah – back on topic – the Middle Ages have – er, had – all sorts of diseases, such as the one that kills you, and that other one that kills you slowly, and that other one that kills you quickly. Hell yeah. So now, the Modern, Contemporary Human laughs at the Middle Agers for being idiots – I mean, they had diseases spreading in the world, and therefore must have been a bunch of useless wankers – whilst we are being killed, slowly and quickly and something between the two, by a) Global Warming; b) Psycho people; c) Cancer; d) Alzheimer’s; e) Rising sea levels; f) Idiotic people; g) Obesity/Inactivity; h) Listening to our mp3s too loudly; i) Overpopulation; j) Famine; k) Severe air pollution; l) Drugs; m) Alcohol; n) Cell phones; o) Microwave ovens; p) McCain and Palin (stupid stupid Palin); q) You get the point.

And lest you don’t get the point, it is that the Middle Ages people were in better health than we are today. Which isn’t even a real point, because they weren’t, but at least the human race survived; with Global Warming, our chances seem pretty slim. Especially with Bush, Harper, aforementioned McCain and Palin – etcetera – who aren’t even in Kyoto. Bastards. AND WHEN HARPER SAYS THAT HE WILL CUT 20% OF OUR POLLUTION BY 2020 IT IS A LIE BECAUSE HE REALLY MEANS THAT HE WILL CUT 20% OF HOW IT WAS IN 2006, WHILE WHAT SCIENTISTS/POLITICIANS USUALLY MEAN WHEN THEY SAY THEY WILL CUT X% IS THAT THEY WILL CUT X% FROM WHAT IT WAS IN 1990, BUT STEPHEN HARPER WANTS TO TRICK CANADIANS BY NOT TELLING US THAT HE WILL CUT 20% FROM WHAT IT WAS IN 2006 AND NOT 1990. D:<

So, other reasons the Middle Ages are badass: Their cities. They would make the streets a bit concave, right? So when they threw said shit, and other miscellaneous garbage, it would just pile up in the middle of the street. Then, since it rains about every two days in Britain (*cough*), the stuff was washed into the river.

Then they happily went and drank from the river, thus getting even sicker than they were before. They are – were – so cool.

It’s a bit like the Modern Contemporary human who’s like,
Modern Contemporary Human: Doctor, I’m sick!
Modern Contemporary Doctor: Here’s some antibiotics. Side effects include – but are not limited to – mild migraines, mild cramps, mild constipation, mild skin irritations, and mild death.
Modern Contemporary Human: Thanks, mate!

Only the Middle Agers didn’t take antibiotics, but brown water.

…

So the Middle Ages also had great, er, architecture. Their castles were utterly beautiful. My sister went in France some months ago and the pictures she brought back looked exactly as though they were taken out of a fairy tale. White bricks and blue roof tiles and everything.

I really would like to visit the Middle Ages, one day.

Grandfather clocks
I want one for my room. It’ll match the whole fucking Ravenclaw theme I’ve got going.

Grandfather clocks, on top of their already-badass name, are badass because they look fucking gorgeous; they’re made of wood; they have a golden handle thing that moves; they tick; they keep time. Not that I’m a fan of the human definition of time, so the latter item should perhaps not go there, but still.

I’m finding it surprisingly easy to write about grandfather clocks, by the way. I scare myself sometimes, ye know? Therefore, I will stop.

Well, okay, not actually stop, but just pretend I did so I can not think a total loser out of myself.

Fun fact: my grandfather has a grandfather clock. :O Only it’s not roof-tall, and thusly not as badass… and it’s not even made of wood, come to think of it, but what—evar.

Totalleah.

Time zones
(Alternately, How To Unnecessarily Complicate Things a Tad Bit More)
I’m sorry, but time zones are utterly useless. If they didn’t exist, things would be so much better, especially when you’re talking over the Internet or planning an international event. You could say, “It’s 7 o’clock,” and everyone on Earth would know exactly what you mean.

Think about it. Without time zones, the Brits – who are in the middle of the world – would function exactly as they do right now; Canadians and Americans (and Mexicans and Brazilians and Cubans and Jamaicans and polar bears) would simply wake up around 3 p.m. and go to bed near 4 a.m. The Japanese, on the other hand, would wake up around midnight and go to bed near noon. We’d just all have to learn to live this way – the only difference, after all, would be that the number associated with a certain luminosity and warmth would change. (And anyway, for the people living in the South Pole, Canada or Russia, it’s always dark and cold, and therefore it really doesn’t matter – we associate every number with “black” and “cold” and “shrinking penises.”)

With time zones, we need to do extra mathematical stuff. Meh. I don’t like it.

This definitely goes in the “nonsense” section.

Dirtsex
Again, this is “nonsense.” Woo-hoo another nonsensity!!!! Only, it’s not modern nonsense so I don’t care if it’s – as previously said – nonsense, because it’s not nonsense I have to deal with on a day-to-day basis.

So, I guess the people who worked with stick clocks had to go outside to read the time. Then they had to look at a shadow – a lack-of-light.

In essence, this is an ingenious invention. Keeping time with the sun and all. (Now that we have global warming, and a hotter sun, would it work better than it did before? ponders I.) But it must have been a hell of a pain to be, like, “So I have an appointment at 8. *goes outside to read the time* Oh, it’s only 4. Well, I still have four hours.” [two hours later, while shopping in the mall…] “I wonder if it’s time for my appointment. *runs through the city, to house, and reads the time* Oh, okay, I still have two hours!” Well, you get the idea.

This is why I like a little thing called “watch,” aka the clock you stick on your wrist. It’s quite – wait for it – handy. Ahahaha, I’m so funneah.

Time goes faster on the edges of our universe and some nonsense of the sort
Yeah, er… What’s up with that, exactly? So much for our universe having no borders. So what I’m supposed to believe is that if, one day, we humans invented Teh Flying Machine that flew really-really-really quickly, we’d eventually reach the Edge, where there’d be a little sign drawn by the Big Banger saying, “Oops, sorry, I haven’t banged that area yet!” And you, in the Teh Flying Machine, would start bumping against the black nothingness, trying to continue your summer vacation, hooting the Big Banger, screaming, “Hurry the fuck up, bitch!” while giving him the Finger. The Big Banger starts Banging as quickly as he can, thus hurting the Big Bangerette, or Big Banger #2 if they’re gay, but he just can’t create more universe! The Edge as though it’s there forever, and will not change, and oh noes our universe has an edge. (This is also a funny pun.)

Honestly, what is wrong with the person who came up with this theory (of time going faster on the edges of the universe)? (I think it was Einstein but I might be wrong.) And the people who believe the nonsense he disgorged? I have truly lost faith in science. And it’s not like that subject hasn’t always been on my “oh, whatev’s” list. But now I whatev’ses it even more. *prepares to get hate comments by fera_festiva and potterfreak0515*

Whatserface
Originally this was only to be a chapter about world history, but then I started planning to talk about time and whatnot so this sort of fell apart. Anyway, it’s not as though I like history or know anything about it. That’s probably because I spend too much time studying the actions of the Big Banger. So – and this little segment-of-a-chapter is actually the reason for which I wanted to talk about world history in the first place – I will here examine Whatserface, the woman who is a Canuck and just so damn awesome. You see, a long time ago, the --U--n--i--t--e--d----S--t--a--t--e--s----o--f----A--m--e--r--i--c--a-- had a war against Canada, and us Canucks were like, Oh shit. But then, when the Americans were coming (and we didn’t know it), this woman ran super duper far – and fast – to warn us about them. So we were ready when they came and won the war and the --U--n--i--t--e--d----S--t--a--t--e--s----o--f----A--m--e--r--i--c--a-- never attacked Canada again.

Hehe.

(According to my sister, her name is Laura Secord.)