Dear Friend,

          I am so turning into one of “those” people. The person that finds the good in everything, and feels good all the time. I’m scared! I haven’t felt good in a long time and I’m not sure if it’s a good thing. Yup, I just said that. I am not sure how to cope with this. Yes, I’m trying to cope with feeling good. I guess mostly I’m just scared it will all go away. Though the weirdest part about that fear is that I’m positive that if I just keep doing what I’ve been doing it won’t. Even more alarming.

          I guess what they do say about change is true. It’s scary, no mater what. Even if that change is for the better. We all seem to want to change for the better but actually doing it is the key. We are all stuck so blindly in the scripting that we have created for ourselves we are unwilling to change it. I truly believe that the key is the UNWILLING factor here. I know that we are all completely capable to change. Though it is our will that keeps us locked in our own vices, we seem to think that there is no way to change are scripting. When someone thinks like this it is there will to stay the way they are right now and unwilling to do the often difficult tasks needed to change.

          I use a key example of myself. I have always been large. I have some to accept the fact that the few things beyond my control genetically are bone structure, height, and metabolism. Despite everything I do I can not change my height (not with out a lot of money and major surgeries) my bones are my bones and the way my body processes food is how it processes food. For years I had the scripting that due to these factor I would remain overweight, unhealthy, and miserable for the rest of my life. I had the will to stay that way and was unwilling to change it.

          One day that all changed. I’m not quiet sure why it was that moment, I’ve been in the same situation several times before and I never had quiet the same reaction I did then. I was watching two of my former friends argue in there petty relationship about what I clearly saw as a lack of true communication. Some how while trying to counsel one of them they brought up that fact that Dan was lying to me. It was then, that moment everything became so clear it was almost like looking into the sun for an hour and my eyes hurt. I wasn’t angry, just disappointed. In myself. This was not the situation I wanted. Despite the fact that my friends seemed to think that I needed to deal with their situation, I told them both to get lost so I could deal with my own. (This is what ended the friendship because I truly believe that a person has to take care of themselves first before they can take care of others, how am I suppose to help fill your cup when mine is empty?)

          After seeing that one moment clearly in my mind knowing that I wanted something totally different I knew I had to change. My unwillingness and become willingness. I made the commitment to myself, not others, but myself. I had change the patterns and behavior in my life that had created all these things that I do not want. I now know the difference, of wanting and willing. Wanting is just a wish, willing is doing! Simple really. I speak to myself in those terms now. I will change my eating habits, I will Change my exercise habits, I will lose weight. I have the will, not jus the I want to change my eating habits, I want to change my exercise habits, I want to lose weight. Want is just sitting on your ass hoping it will happen magically on its own. It’s tough I know cuz I’m there now.

          If you think in terms of will you are making that commitment to yourself and ultimately its yourself you have to answer to no one else!

Lots of Love-J