Ugh. I have practice tonight. I don't want to go. I don't want to play. And it's not even the no Milwood thing anymore, it's just a general sense of weariness. Like, okay, ten years, that's enough. I mean, damn. I've been playing since I was four. So that's (counting this one) ten regular seasons, five All Star seasons (counting this one, we didn't play All Stars last year), and two camps. I'm done. And the year I most need a break, I have to play in another fucking league, some Grand Rapids thing. Every fucking Wednesday. I mean, I don't have a packed summer, but I worked my ass off all school year long, playing in more than 15 concerts on two instruments in a total of *counts* five ensembles..then there's ATYP, doing KAMSC tests and shit, AND having to deal with constant, crushing disappointment from my parents. And that doesn't even start on my other issues...*sigh*

I'm not even as good a player anymore. I have no confidence in myself, I can't get my fucking hands and legs to stop shaking, my shoulder is messed up, I don't think I'll ever be able to throw right again, I have to limp because I messed my knees up...and I don't catch as well. I've lost it. Maybe I took it with my knife, maybe it's still at Milwood. I don't know. Oh, and JUST as I get adjusted to my new team, we have to combine AGAIN for All Stars. So we'll be Milwood/Westwood/Plainwell. I don't even like Plainwell. They have sucky ass dugouts, the girls aren't NEARLY as good as us, and seriously. Plain. Well. Ugh. I don't want to play. I want Thursdays again, I want there to be not awkwardness between Alex and I, damn it, I want a fucking break.

I feel like a painting that's been passed around to different people too many times, with the original colors faded and smudged. I miss being able to step on the field, and think, yeah. I'm better than their catcher. Oh yeah. I miss not having to constantly make sure that my face is arranged properly. I miss being able to throw, and I miss knowing that Alyssa will make the catch, or remember to cover. I miss being able to cheer without my voice cracking. I miss being able to play without sunglasses. I miss the batting cages, lounging around when we were supposed to be warming up. I miss Abby, and how she always understood when I felt shitty after performing badly. I miss chasing Tyler around with a full cup of water. I miss throwing that little pink ball over the pavillion roof, and I miss working in the concession stand, sneaking popcorn when the woman in charge wasn't looking.

Okay, so I miss Milwood.

I miss my corner of the dugout, how I'd always throw my crap into it. I miss playing on the tee ball field, laughing whenever someone hit a homerun, freaked, and then remembered that the outfield was like, four feet deep. I miss the spot by the pines, where we'd always play catch--because we didn't want the pitching machine to hit us. I miss riding around on the buggy, and I miss that stupid fountain that never worked. I miss opening day, sitting on the grass, bored out of our minds. I miss wanting to be the purple team, because they always got sponsored by Dairy Queen. I miss going to Alyssa's house and failing at mini golf. I miss going to Perkins and watching Alex's dad win toy after toy in the claw machine.

I miss finding those baseballs, and playing catch with them when we wanted to pretend to be baseball pitchers. I miss having an arm that pitchers and teammates were afraid of. I miss that gap in the fence, where we'd freak Tyler out. I miss the playground, where we would run with our shoes off, and push Carrie down the slide. I miss eating Little Caesers after the tournament was over. I miss the tournament, having to break a new mit in partway through a game. I miss diving into the fence, and I miss ice cream after Saturday practices. I miss catching pop flys, having to dive, and then comparing grass stains. I miss the instant acceptance, the way we always knew each other's favorite cheers. I miss the number eleven, and I miss the red uniforms, even if I look bad in that shade.

I miss awful umpires, and making fun of weird pitchers, duck girl, and squealer. I miss Molly, and how she was always injured. I miss Shelby, and how she looked at least twenty at twelve. I miss Elexis, hitting a homerun into the cornfields. I miss playing at Galesburg, complaining about the lack of dugouts, and laughing at the lack of fences. I miss the froggy song, and the way Taylor couldn't say "bases" right. I miss scowling into the dugout after stealing third, and I miss the way they'd clap if I slid. I miss being afraid of sliding.

I miss playing in the wrong dugout because we didn't like having the sun shine in our faces. I miss throwing my teammates popflys because I had the best arm. I miss leaping for the ball whenever Brandy threw it. I miss that stupid little dance, and I miss feeling unappreciated. Because at least I knew I made a difference.

I miss making fun of the guys, because they played with tiny balls. I miss playing catch with tennisballs, and playing "don't fall off the log" when I was the only one in cleats. I miss chasing after Alex because she stole my shoes, and I miss playing on the field for the handicapped when there were no other fields open. I miss gear that didn't fit, and teammates who were afraid of the ball. I miss counting mosquito bites, and group bugspraying sessions. I miss looking at new players warm up, trying to figure out where they'd play. I miss being the girl that everyone'd follow, and the girl who always got to catch practice, instead of fielding grounders. I miss being able to not have to cut out at the end of team-themed cheers. I miss jumping off of the bleachers, and running away from Mr. Daughtry, because he hated children. I miss the pitching warm up spot, and shouting encouragement in Alyssa's ear. I miss catching with nothing but shinguards on, and telling the pitchers to not kill me.

I miss Alyssa.

I miss Taylor, Brooke, the old Alex, Brandy, Abby, Carrie, Kim, Brie, Molly, Kayleigh, and the rest of the team(s). I miss losing to Portage, and destroying Galesburg. I miss savoring each victory, lamenting each loss, and freaking out when Calli got a foul tip.

I miss enjoying the game.