This online dating thing is getting down right depressing. Very little luck so far and I seem to only be attracting the kind of men who cry during Lifetime movies and here I was wanting to be the woman in the relationship. So guys, you always say you wish a woman would just come out and tell you what she wants so here's my 10 little tidbits of advice for internet dating....



1. Capitalize and punctuate. "i love to meet new people i am a very nice sinceres person". Yeah, you sound super nice for a 13 year old girl on IM trying to think of captions for her lolcat pics. Butch up and hit the shift button - it's a lot less painful than you think. At least pretend to make an effort.

2. Take the picture from more than 2 inches away from your face. Extreme close ups are creepy and everyone knows what a MySpace angle is. I don't want to know about your nostril hair until I like you too much to say anything about it. Side note - don't take a picture with your cat. It's the pet equivalent of your mother. Liking or having cats is perfectly cool but your profile picture with Mr. Mittens needs to be anything but your profile picture. Last but not least - GROOM yourself. Casual is one thing but just crawled out from under the porch after a hard night of partying and projectile vomiting is another. Your profile picture should not look like Nick Nolte's mug shot.

3. Desperation is a turn off. If this is news to you then you're desperate. I'd rather die alone than settle for some one who won't make me happy the way I wanna be. If I think that you might lure me into the woods and try to make a woman suit out of me if I reject (or accept) you I'm not gonna respond to your message.

4. The line between confidence and sleaziness is very, very thin. Tread lightly.

5. Fill out your profile. Remember, we are women. If we wanted one word answers we'd be men. If you don't even bother to fill out your profile we will draw the following conclusions: #1. You're an idiot. #2. You're really fucking boring. #3. You have no communication skills (and you know how much women love that). #4. What are you hiding?

6. Don't think you can be coy and not post a photo. I posted my damn photo so you can post yours too. Don't try the whole love me for me thing it just makes us wonder what the hell's wrong with you. Yeah, it sucks to be rejected on your looks alone but almost everyone does it. I know I do and it's not like I'm rocking the Angelina Jolie but at least I'm being honest and it shows I have enough confidence in my winning personality to possibly over rule any of my physical faults. If I can't look at you without wanting to laugh odds are it won't work anyway.

7. Never mention crying. I cannot stress this enough.

8. Please don't bitch about people not seeing the real you. Guess what? My profile was edited to within an inch of its life just to become remotely acceptable too. They wouldn't even let me use the term "morally flexible" - that's not sleazy! It's honest. If you complain on your profile about your profile it makes you seem like a super-emo 14 year old whose Mom just threw out his spank mag stash. Suck it up or move over so the adults can play.

9. Spell check. I also hate "lairs" but I also use another tab in my internet browser and google the correct spelling for words. Remember, if the lasting impression I have after reading your profile is "dumb ass who can't spell simple words" that doesn't bode well for our future together.

10. Don't try to come off as too good to be true. You know who else over compensates like that? Serial killers and child molesters. Don't tell me you're a nice guy - prove it.

This one's a bonus!

Don't say "I like to have fun". Who the fuck doesn't? Why don't you tell me what you consider fun? Is it going to the movies? Playing video games? Luring women into the woods with a roll of duck tape?


There. Got all of my bitching off my chest. I feel slightly better but still dejected.