So, here's my dilema:
Again:
I went over, he made dinner, and we ate with another couple.  I had fun, I drank, we watched a crappy ass movie, we went to bed, I puked, we made love, we went to sleep.

After I puked, and before we made love, he made a throwaway comment to me that he wasnt ready to commit.
His exact words were "I dont think I am ready to make a commitment just yet."
I didnt think about it at the time. I was too into him, too into my moment, and just enjoying me and him together. I dont get it often, and I love to live in it and savor every moment. I love every hug and kiss and touch and bite.

But, the next day, I thought about it. I dwell on it. I wonder what kind of person I am, to sleep with someone (repeatedly, mind you), who isnt ready to commit to me. Is he afraid of me, or the commitment itself? Is it all about his money, and current lack thereof, or is it about a relationship (the idea of it scaring him), or is it the thought that I might be easy? He got what he wants, and he doesnt want to think about a relationship?

I am torn.

I want to be with him, but I am scared of committing to anything. Coming from my divorce, I am not sure that I want to commit to him, or anyone. But there is just something about him, something that fits so well within me, and our puzzle pieces just seem to lock together. We are alike, and we are different. We are together, but apart.

I wish I knew the answers.
I wish I could look into the future and see what lies ahead. I wish I knew which choices to make, and which ones to avoid. I wish I knew if he would hurt me or help me. I wish I knew which one to chose, J or D. I wish I knew D.

I hate life.
And I love it all the same.

EDIT: I forgot, I worry a bit more. He did not return my email during lunch. He has still not logged on IM. I am afraid he is avoiding me. I am afraid he hates me, for some reason or another. I wish I could stop caring about all of this. I wish I had Joe here with me. I need a good, level-headed friend right now.