I know I haven’t wrote in this diary for a while. To be honest, I just haven’t had time, what with saving the world and all. I feel I need to write something now though, because these last few days have been the most dangerous and weirdest days of my life.

We were all in the Hub going about are usual routines. Gwen was on the phone to Rhys, Tosh was inventing new software, Jack and Ianto were unsubtly flirting with each other and I was cutting open a dead alien with a scalpel. That’s when it happened. I felt the Earth move. Quite literally. Literally in the sense that the Earth did actually move, across space… with a cluster of other planets.

Things came crashing down around the hub. I feared for my alien plant’s life. My Penthrallian Ficus is the prize of my collection, but I couldn’t very well go up and check on it. Not when I’d fallen to the floor and the alien undergoing an autopsy fell on top of me.

I managed to get up and run up the steps to the main part of the hub. Tosh clinging to her desk. Gwen and Ianto landed in a heap on the floor. Jack came running out of his office to check that everyone was alright.

Ianto announced he had no broken bones but suffered a slight loss of dignity. Everyone else just nodded and said they were fine. Then Tosh asked the obvious question that was on everyone’s lips. “What was that?”

Jack ran outside to check on the damages. Ianto brought up information on his computer. That’s when we knew that it wasn’t just an earth-quake in Cardiff, the whole world had been affected.

When Jack came back in he told us about all the other planets in the sky. He told us we’d been moved to a different point in space. I didn’t believe him at first, I mean, who’s ever heard of someone trying to steal a planet before? Invade it? Yes. Hoist it up onto their shoulders and walk away with it across the galaxies? No.

Jack told us not to panic. Yeah, because finding out that someone’s rearranging the universe, is not a cause for alarm. Still, we’re Team Torchwood and we do not panic. (Unless of course we walk in on something Jack and Ianto are doing in Jack’s office that we really don’t want to have walked in on. My eyes. My poor, poor eyes.)

So, who was playing Universal Interior Designers? And why was Earth their centre piece? We had no leads. There was not a single sign of spaceships in the sky or weird shit coming through the rift. In other words, we didn’t have a fucking clue what was going on.

Then Jack’s mobile started to ring. It was the lovely Miss Martha Jones. Jack of course answered it a little flirtatiously. The world maybe about to end, but for Captain Jack Harkness there’s always time for a flirt.

Jack asked Martha if she or UNIT knew what the Hell was going on. Then he asked her if she’d heard from the Doctor. None of us have ever met this Doctor guy Jack keeps mentioning. (I’m probably a better doctor anyways.) I don’t even think Ianto’s met him. Oh now that I’d pay to see, the Mrs and the Ex. Still, Ianto didn’t even flinch at the mention of the Doctor. He mustn’t be as bothered about it now.

Actually, Ianto seems more bothered about Jack with random soldiers. Jack told Martha he’d had a drink in a bar with a soldier, and oh Ianto was not amused. He glared at Jack and asked what he was talking about. Jack reassured him that it was strictly professional and nothing went on. What’s going on? Did the Earth slip into a parallel universe or something? It seems Jack and Ianto are actually in an exclusive relationship. Ianto Jones has managed to tame the flirtatious Captain Jack Harkness. And Jack seems to actually be behaving himself. Jack’s gone domestic! And Ianto’s not going to take any of this part-time shag crap. (Okay, Jack never once called him that, that was all me, but still, I think my point is still valid.)

Anyway, that was all very well and nice but then we got a message from the aliens playing inter galactic Chess with my planet. The electric shriek of the Dalek’s war cry came screeching through the hub’s sound system. “EXTERMINATE!”

Jack visibly paled at this. We all know, except Gwen, what Daleks are, and we all knew that this wasn’t good. Jack was physically shaking, tears in his eyes. He said that he was sorry, that there was nothing he could do and that we were all going to die. Well that was just great, wasn’t it? Give it to us bluntly, why don’t you? Honestly, his bedside manner really is rubbish.

Jack then kissed us all on the head and held Ianto tight as Ianto clung to him. I have to say, I love Ianto’s strategy for dealing with a Dalek invasion. It’s the best plan ever. “When Dalek’s attack? Cling to Jack!”

Actually, that wasn’t a bad idea, I don’t mind telling you I was so scared wanted to cling to Jack, myself. But damnit! Ianto got there first. Still, I can’t blame the poor guy, I know he’s dealt with Daleks before back in Torchwood one. And I’d put money on it that Jack’s dealt with them before as well. That’s probably why they both took it the worst.

I held on to Tosh as Gwen looked around confused. “What are Daleks?” She asked. Doesn’t she read the Torchwood handbook? (Okay, there is no handbook and if there was, I wouldn’t read it either, but surely she must have heard of the Daleks. Who hasn’t???)

Anyway, with Daleks on the way to Earth, we all felt all hope was lost. Then we got a message from Harriett Jones. She flashed her badge at us. Like we didn’t know who she was! Then a load of random other people joined in our web chat.

Martha Jones came online. And a Sarah Jane Smith. She’s apparently an ex-companion of the Doctor’s who is now an investigative journalist and a freelance defender of the Earth. And she doesn’t approve of Torchwood. Too many guns. Fair enough, I suppose.

So there we were, sitting in a web conference with the ex-PM, Daleks in ships above our heads and the Earth’s gone AWOL from the Solar System, and what does Jack do? He flirts! With Sarah Jane-Smith.

First of all, Ianto was standing right next to him! Harriett Jones told him we didn’t have time for that and then she explained her plan of the sub-wave and how we could get in touch with the Doctor. We just phone him. Now why didn’t I think of that?

We set the Hub’s equipment up to send a massive signal into space and Sarah Jane did the same with her tech. Then all we could do was wait.

It only took a few minutes. Harriett Jones’ screen went blank when the Daleks found her. She’d transferred control of the sub-wave to Torchwood. That meant we were going to be detectable to Daleks, but hopefully we could get in contact with the Doctor first.

Harriett’s screen started coming back into action, but it wasn’t Harriett Jones. It was a bloke and a woman who Jack seemed to recognise straight away. Jack called him ‘Doctor’. Ah, so that’s Jack’s mystery man.

Gwen made a point of saying how good looking he was. Ianto didn’t disagree, in fact he was practically drooling, but he pointed out, I think it was for Jack’s benefit more than anyone else’s, that the Doctor was in fact a lot older than he looks. Jack gave Ianto a look that I took as jealousy, then turned back to the Doctor. Tosh seemed to like the Doctor too, and as for me? Well, I couldn’t see what all the fuss was about to be honest. Though he did have great hair. For a bloke. Not that I fancied him or anything. But I did like his hair.

I don’t know who the woman was but she fancied Jack as soon as she saw him. Ianto just rolled his eyes. He’s used to people fancying Jack all the time. But you see, this is why I don’t like standing next to Jack so much. People always look straight at him. Hello? Extremely sexy Owen Harper standing right next to him. I mean, really! Jack already has a partner, I am available people! (Well except for the fact that I go on dates with Tosh. But it’s not a committed relationship yet. I’m still allowed to flirt with other people.)

So, Jack told the Doctor that the Daleks were up to no good. Then the screen went blank and we don’t know what happened after that.

Jack ran off somewhere into the Hub whilst we kept watching the screen. The Daleks were descending. They’d found us and they were coming to Torchwood to exterminate us. Then Ianto disappeared.

Ianto helped Jack put his coat on, (Seriously? Why?) and then Jack pulled out a huge gun from the armoury. The one that we never use. I guess it’s the Dalek gun then.

Jack told us he was going to find the Doctor and stop the Daleks. We all stood in silence. We didn’t know whether to tell him the Daleks had found us, or to just let him go. Jack saw the look on our faces. He said he was going to come back and he’s not running away again. That wasn’t what we were worried about.

Gwen made the decision for us and told Jack that we’d be alright. Then Ianto, I saw him fighting back the tears, told Jack that we’d be fine. Jack nodded and taped some buttons on his wrist strap. Then he teleported out. Now that was kind of cool. We’ve never seen him do that before. Forget the invisible lift! I want teleports out of the hub now.

Anyway, Jack disappeared, Gwen and Tosh walked off somewhere and I stood looking at Ianto. He wiped a tear out of his eye and I asked him why he’d let Jack just go off like that without telling him what was really happening. Ianto said, “Because whether Jack stays or goes, we don’t stand much chance against the Daleks. I just want him to be happy.”

I could sort of understand that so I just nodded. (And I didn’t cry, I had something in my eye.) Then Gwen and Tosh returned with some guns and handed them to us. Ianto told her that they are useless against Daleks, but then she said she was going down fighting. We all agreed. We all stood shoulder to shoulder, ready to die as a team, defending the Earth. After all, we’re Torchwood. That’s what we do.

There was a crashing sound in the hub and we could hear clearly the Daleks and their cries of extermination. They were in the hub. They were coming to get us. I don’t mind telling you I was a bit scared. Then Ianto had an idea.

“Jack’s hole,” he said.

We all looked at him like he’d lost the plot and I said, “Ianto, we’re about to die, now’s not the time to think about a quick shag.”

Then he said, “No. If we all go down to Jack’s quarters, the Daleks can’t get down there. The hole in the top is too small for them to fit through.”

I could have kissed Ianto Jones there and then. Okay, fine, I did kiss him there and then, and then I legged it to Jack’s office and threw open the hatch to his quarters, shouting at everyone to quickly get down the ladders.

The girls climbed down first. Me and Ianto watched as the cog door was forced open and we saw the tiniest glimpse of the Dalek. “EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!” That’s all it kept saying. I pushed Ianto so he’d snap out of his fright and climb down the ladders. Then I followed and pulled the hatch shut.

When I got to the bottom Ianto said, “You do realise we’re trapped now. We can’t open that door from the inside.”

I shrugged my shoulders and said I didn’t care as long as the Daleks couldn’t get in.

This was the first time I’d been down Jack‘s hole. (No jokes please.) I didn’t know what I was expecting but it certainly wasn’t what I saw. It was about the same size as Jack’s office. There was a bed, and a bed side table with some drawers. There was also a door leading to a little room. Ianto said it was a bathroom.

We all sat down on the bed and listened to the Daleks above our heads. They hadn’t found us yet. That was a good sign.

We heard the Daleks shooting random things. I swear if they hurt my plants I’d bitch slap them so hard. We were all conscious not to breathe too loud in case they heard us.

Ianto spoke normally. He said we didn’t have to be so quiet because the Daleks couldn’t hear us. The room was sound proof. Still, I wasn’t about to break into merry conversation when a killer pepper pot was upstairs.

As we all sat in silence something caught my eye. Jack had photo’s on his bedside table.

There was one of Ianto, one of him and Ianto and one of the team. Jack has a photo of me next to his bed? I’m flattered. There was also photo which looked like a cap from a CCTV camera, of Jack, but he looked younger, with two men and a blonde girl standing next to a blue box up in the Plass. Ianto noticed what I was looking at and told me that it was the Doctor, Mickey Smith and Rose Tyler, Jack’s old friends. This really confused me, the Doctor wasn’t the same man I’d seen on the screen. Jack has weird friends, that’s all I’m saying. (Except me. I’m his friend. I’m not weird.)

We couldn’t hear anything upstairs any more. Maybe that was the sound proofing. I wondered how long we’d have to hide for. Until Jack got back, I suppose, since we couldn’t open the door from the inside. I just hoped he really was going to come back and not disappear for three months again.

Gwen asked Ianto how he could spend so much time down in the bunker. She said Jack could have at least decorated. Ianto told her that he and Jack actually spend more time at his flat now, and not in the Hub. I didn’t bother asking why there was a load of Ianto’s clothes lying in a pile with Jack’s clothes at the other end of the room, if he doesn’t spend much time here anymore. Suddenly gossiping about Ianto’s private life wasn’t as important anymore. I was still far too concerned with the Daleks.

Thankfully, the Daleks never found us. We felt the Earth move again (I bet that's not the first time Ianto's felt the Earth move whilst in Jack's hole. Sorry. I couldn't resist that one.) and after who knows how long, the hatch to Jack’s office opened and Jack appeared. He grinned at us and said, “You know, if you’re all going to get in bed together you could have at least waited for me.” I’d never been so happy in my entire life to hear Jack’s shameless innuendo.

Ianto leapt up off the bed and climbed up the ladders in a bit of a hurry. He threw his arms around Jack and kissed him thoroughly. Ianto cried. He said he didn’t think he was ever going to see Jack again. Jack just held him close and told him that everything was alright now and that everything had gone back to normal. I really think the Daleks shook him up more than he was willing to admit. I got a hug too when I climbed the ladders. I like hugs. (In a none gay way! Not that hugs are gay… I’m not being homophobic…it’s just… oh you know what I mean!)

I tried to take Ianto’s mind off the Daleks when we were in the bunker, but what do you say to someone who knows more about the Daleks than you do?

Still, everything had worked out alright and Jack had told us about everything that happened with the Doctor. Jack told us all to go home and calm down and we’d clean up everything in the hub another day. Then he took Ianto back to his flat. At least they had each other. I kind of wish I had of asked Tosh if she wanted to come and stay at my place. (Just as friends.) I might text her. Gwen has Rhys, Jack and Ianto have each other, who do Tosh and I have? We have each other, I guess.

Anyway, I’m off to text Tosh and ask her if she wants to come over for a drink.

I need a shower first.

I’m also going to put my salt and pepper shakers to the back of the cupboard, I don’t really want to look at them right now. (They look evil.)

Owen ‘Kicked Dalek Ass’ Harper

P.S. When the Earth moved my apartment got a little bit trashed. Some of my stuff got ruined. The Daleks owe me one new Brokeback Mountain poster. 









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