.. and as randy as ever.. Got to talk to Daddy last night.. Wow, the stamina.. That man makes me SO hot... *happy sigh*

I'm in a little bit of a funk, tho.. I don't know if it's because I'm back to the boring same-old same-old after 24 days of waking up to something new and exciting every morning.. Maybe..

I guess part of it is that I spent those 24 days with my partner, and our relationship is still on exactly the same track. We cuddled a little, but mostly because it was cold. She got mildly affectionate at a few points, but I honestly just don't know how to take that anymore.. I don't really get affectionate back, because in my mind, we're just not that way anymore.. For a long time, affection was tantamount to false hope, and now I guess I'm just programmed to distrust it..

The BIG bummer part is that there's a thing called 'Wicked Wonderland' happening in a few weeks at 1763.. I want to go SO bad.. I asked my friend, and she said she'd go if she's in town, and I asked my partner if it would be OK, because I couldn't think of any good way to sneak out.. So what happened? She said that she would be interested in going.

FUCK.

So that means that anything I buy will have to be thoughtfully explained.. I was hoping to get a really kewl flogger, maybe shop for strap-ons and yummy attachments, possibly even a corset, but she'll be bound to wonder why when there's no chance of using it with HER.. She has this way of killing a buzz like nobody I've ever known.. Fuck.

And I DEFINITELY don't want to even bother trying to go to the party afterwards, because I won't really be able to talk to anyone with any honesty at all because I'll be trying to cover my ass as far as she's concerned.. FUCK!

I have to approach her about the open relationship thing, but I'm just really nervous about it. SHE paid off the house, so she could really just kick my ass to the curb, and I would just have to accept it.. FUCK.

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I wish I could stop thinking about this shit, but now that the trip is over, that's really all I have to focus on.. I just need to get crazy laid.. Like scary, painfully, intensely laid.. I need to be fucked into a mental oblivion where none of this shit matters, and I can just let go.. I've been playing with my glass dildo to the point of intense fatigue and soreness, but it's just not the same..

Oh well, need to stop being so pensive, and just get the fuck over myself.. That's a good thing for me to remember sometimes.. *sigh*